How to Fight

Very often in a conflict, we believe the problem is the other person or group. We think it is all their fault and that if they would just stop doing what they are doing or being the way they are, we would have peace and happiness. So we may be motivated by the desire to destroy the other side. We may wish they didn’t exist. But looking deeply, we know that we are not the only ones who have suffered—they have also suffered. When we take time to calm ourselves down and look deeply into the situation, we can see that we are co-responsible, that we have co-created the conflict by our way of thinking, acting, or speaking, either individually or as a group or nation.

When we observe or listen to other people, we often don’t see them clearly or really hear what they’re saying. We see and hear our projections and prejudices instead.

Stillness is the foundation of understanding and insight.

When we’re able to love our enemy, that person is no longer our enemy. The idea of “enemy” vanishes and is replaced by the person who is suffering and needs our compassion.

Interbeing is the understanding that nothing exists separately from anything else. We are all interconnected. By taking care of another person, you take care of yourself. By taking care of yourself, you take care of the other person. Happiness and safety are not individual matters. If you suffer, I suffer. If you are not safe, I am not safe. There is no way for me to be truly happy if you are suffering. If you can smile, I can smile too. The understanding of interbeing is very important. It helps us to remove the illusion of loneliness, and transform the anger that comes from the feeling of separation.

Creating happiness is an art. Living together is an art. Even with a lot of goodwill, you can still make the other person very unhappy. Goodwill is not enough. We need to know the art of making the other person happy. Art is the essence of life. Try to be artful in your speech and actions. The substance of art is mindfulness. When you are mindful, you are more artful.

When we have hatred and anger in ourselves, they rebound to all quarters. When we have peace and joy in ourselves, our peace and joy will radiate throughout the whole cosmos.

When we cannot communicate, we suffer, and we spill our suffering on to other people. We can find ways to open the doors of communication again.

The ability to apologize sincerely and express regret for the unskillful things we say or do is an art. A true apology can relieve a great deal of suffering in the other person.

When we feel anger, irritation, or indignation arising in us, we pause. We stop and come back to our breathing straight away. We do not say or do anything when we are inhabited by this kind of energy, so we don’t escalate the conflict. We wait until we’re calm again. Being able to pause is the greatest gift. It gives us the opportunity to bring more love and compassion into the world rather than more anger and suffering.

Any peace talks should begin with making peace with ourselves. First we need to recognize our anger, embrace it, and make peace with it. You don’t fight your anger, because your anger is you. Your anger is the wounded child in you. Why should you fight your anger? The method is entirely nonviolent: awareness, mindfulness, and tenderly holding your anger within you. Like this, your anger will transform naturally.

how can we expand our heart? increasing our understanding and compassion makes our heart grow greater

When you remove the conflict within yourself, you also remove the conflict between yourself and others. One arrow can save two birds at the same time—if the arrow strikes the branch, both birds will fly away.

We “kill” our anger by smiling to it, holding it gently, looking deeply to understand its roots and transforming it with understanding and compassion.

If you get angry every day, your seed of anger will grow bigger and bigger, and it will be much more difficult for compassion to grow. Without compassion, it will be difficult to use loving speech.

WHERE WILL WE BE Being angry in the historical dimension I close my eyes and look deeply: Three hundred years from now where will you be and where shall I be?

THE FIVE-YEAR-OLD CHILD Often, our suffering begins when we are quite young and continues to fester as we grow. There is a five-year-old still inside us. This child may have suffered a lot. A five-year-old is fragile and easily wounded. Without mindfulness parents may transmit all their pain, anger, and suffering to their children. By the age of five, the child is already filled with fear and sorrow. A child so young isn’t always able to explain her suffering in a way that others can hear. As she stumbles over her words, adults around her might interrupt or even shout at her. Such language is like ice water thrown over a tender heart. The child may never try to confide in grown-ups again, and the wound remains deep and hidden. Adults repeat acts like this over and over until their connection with their children is severed. The cause is a lack of mindfulness. If a parent doesn’t know how to manage his anger, for example, he may destroy the communication with his child and the child may suffer their whole life, and pass that anger on to the next generation. So it is important to get in touch with the five-year-old child within, and begin to heal the wounds still inside. We can learn to listen to the suffering of our five-year-old, to embrace it tenderly. Holding our pain and suffering with the energy of mindfulness and compassion, it begins to transform.

We can only understand another person when we’re able to truly listen to them. When we can listen to others with deep compassion, we can understand their pain and difficulties. But when we’re angry, we can’t listen to others or hear their suffering. Listening deeply to another is a form of meditation.

Before you do the work of reconciliation with another, you need to restore communication with yourself.

The practice of inclusiveness is based on the practice of understanding, compassion, and love. … Increasing our understanding and compassion makes our heart grow greater.

Hugging meditation is something to practice with people you love and trust, particularly if you have been upset with each other. To begin, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and visualize yourself and your beloved three hundred years from now.

The roots of discrimination, conflict, and war are not to be found outside us. They are within our own way of thinking and looking at the world. The real enemy is our ignorance, our attachment to views, and our wrong perceptions.

Part of acknowledging suffering is acknowledging we need help. It is much easier to practice compassion if you have the energy and support of a community.