Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

Letting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past, along with the hope of a fantasized future. What we gain is a life more in the present, where we are not mired in prolonged anger and resentment that doesn't serve us.

The best apologies are short, and don't go on to include explanations that run the risk of undoing them. An apology isn't the only chance you ever get to address the underlying issue. The apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication. This is an important and often overlooked distinction.

Questioning ourselves for being "oversensitive" is a common way that women, in particular, disqualify our legitimate anger and hurt. ...The fact that some of us feel more vulnerable than others in a particular context does not mean we are weak or lesser in any way.

Sometimes, the failure of the other person to apologize when they should hits us harder than the deed they should apologize for.

But here is the real point when it comes to the challenge of apologies in family relationships. If our intention is to have a better relationship, we need to be our best and most mature self, rather than reacting to the other person's reactivity. Also, some of the other person's complaints will be true, since we can't possibly get it right all the time.

To listen with an open heart and ask questions to better help us understand the other person is a spiritual exercise, in the truest sense of the word.

When forgiveness experts talk in binary language (“You either forgive the wrongdoer or you are a prisoner of your own anger and hate”), they are collapsing the messy complexity of human emotions into a simplistic dichotomous equation.

NOT EVERYTHING IS FORGIVABLE Accepting an apology doesn’t always mean reconciliation. The best apology in the world can’t restore every connection. The words “I’m sorry” may be absurdly inadequate even if sincerely offered. Sometimes the foundation of trust on which a relationship was built cannot be repaired. We may never want to see the person who hurt us again. We can still accept the apology.

The need for apologies and repair is a singularly human one---both on the giving and receiving ends. We are hardwired to seek justice and fairness (however we see it), so the need to receive a sincere apology that's due is deeply felt. We are also imperfect humans and prone to error and defensiveness, so the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology permeates almost every relationship.

If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood. Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing.

Countless self-help books, blogs and seminars promise relief from suffering, when pain and suffering are as much part of life as happiness and joy.The only way to avoid being mistreated in this world is to fold up in a dark corner and stay mute. If you go outside, or let others in, you'll get hurt many times. Ditto if you've grown up in a family rather than begin raised by wolves. Some people will behave badly and will not apologize, repair the harm, or care about your feelings.

In my professional work I am struck by how often sibling relationships fall apart around the life-cycle stage of caring for elderly parents, and dealing with a parents death and it's aftermath. Failed apologies have the most serious consequences at stressful points in the life-cycle, and loss is the most challenging adaptational task that family members have to come to terms with.

If the other person has pushed through his or her discomfort to do the right thing and apologize, we can push through our discomfort and say, "Thanks for the apology." It's important to resist the temptation to cancel the effort at repair that a genuine apology is.

The healing power of a good apology is also immediately recognizable. When someone offers me a genuine apology, I feel relieved and soothed. Whatever anger and resentment I may still be harboring melts away. I also feel better when I offer an apology I know is due. I’m enormously grateful that I can repair the disconnection after having made a mistake or acted badly.

A wholehearted apology means valuing the relationship

Part of a true apology is staying deeply curious about the hurt person’s experience rather than hijacking it with your own emotionality.

Nu ești o persoană mai puțin iubitoare sau incompletă, dacă îți rămân anumite lucruri pe care nu le poți ierta și dacă îți dorești ca pe anumite persoane să nu le mai întâlnești vreodată-n viață. Poate că devii un om mai puternic și mai curajos, dacă ai ceva mânie reziduală (fie că provine dintr-o mare trădare, fie din numeroase neplăceri mici) și, în ciuda ei, reușești să-ți vezi de viața ta. Mai important ca orice, nu e treaba nimănui - nici a terapeutului, nici a mamei sau profesorului ori a vreunui ghid spiritual, a celui mai bun prieten sau expert în relații - să-i spună altuia că trebuie să ierte (sau nu).