Quotes from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from "I understand" to "Help me understand." Everything else follows from that. . . .

Remind yourself that if you think you already understand how someone feels or what they are trying to say, it is a delusion. Remember a time when you were sure you were right and then discovered one little fact that changed everything. There is always more to learn.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“The urge to blame is based . . . on the fear of being blamed.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Often we go through an entire conversation – or indeed an entire relationship – without ever realizing that each of us is paying attention to different things, that our views are based on different information.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“People almost never change without first feeling understood.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Learning that you can’t control the other person’s reaction, and that it can be destructive to try, can be incredibly liberating. It not only gives the other person the space to react however they need to, but also takes a huge amount of pressure off you. You will learn things about yourself based on their reaction, but if you are prepared to learn, you’ll feel free from the desperate need for their reaction to go one certain way.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Depending on how we handle them, feelings can lead to great trouble. But the feelings themselves just are. In that sense, feelings are like arms or legs. If you hit or kick someone, then your arms or legs are causing trouble. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with arms or legs. The same with feelings.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Interpretations and judgments are important to explore. In contrast, the quest to determine who is right and who is wrong is a dead end. In”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Paradoxically, there is also considerable persuasion power in inquiry and listening.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“intentions are invisible. We assume them from other people’s behavior. In other words, we make them up, we invent them. But our invented stories about other people’s intentions are accurate much less often than we think. Why? Because people’s intentions, like so much else in difficult conversations, are complex. Sometimes people act with mixed intentions. Sometimes they act with no intention, or at least none related to us. And sometimes they act on good intentions that nonetheless hurt us. Because”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Imagine that while scuba diving, you suddenly see a shark glide into view. Your heart starts to pound and your anxiety skyrockets. You’re terrified, which is a perfectly rational and understandable feeling. Now imagine that your marine biology training enables you to identify it as a Reef Shark, which you know doesn’t prey on anything as large as you. Your anxiety disappears. Instead you feel excited and curious to observe the shark’s behavior.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Simply by changing your own behavior, you gain at least some influence over the problem.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Working to keep negative information out during a difficult conversation is like trying to swim without getting wet.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Talking successfully about feelings requires you to be scrupulous about taking the judgments, attributions, and statements of blame out of what you are saying, and putting the statement of feeling in. It is crucial to look at the actual words you are using to see whether those words really convey what you want them to. For”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Our Assumptions About Intentions Are Often Wrong”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“The point is this: difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“No matter how good you get at reframing, the single most important rule about managing the interaction is this: You can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood. And they won’t feel heard and understood until you’ve listened. When the other person becomes highly emotional, listen and acknowledge. When they say their version of the story is the only version that makes sense, paraphrase what you’re hearing and ask them some questions about why they think this. If they level accusations against you, before defending yourself, try to understand their view. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or unsure how to proceed, remember that it is always a good time to listen.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Sometimes life deals us a blow that we can’t cope with on our own. What constitutes such a blow is different for each of us. It may be something as undermining as rape or as horrifying as war. It may be a physical or mental illness, an addiction, or a profound loss. Or it may be something that would not disturb most other people but does disturb you. We sometimes ascribe valor to those who suffer in silence. But when suffering is prolonged or interferes with accomplishing what we want with our lives, then such suffering may be more reckless than brave. Whatever it is, if you’ve worked to get over it and can’t, we encourage you to ask for help. From friends, from colleagues, from family, from professionals. From anyone who might be able to offer a hand.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Ten Questions People Ask About Difficult Conversations 1. It sounds like you’re saying everything is relative. Aren’t some things just true, and can’t someone simply be wrong?   2. What if the other person really does have bad intentions – lying, bullying, or intentionally derailing the conversation to get what they want?   3. What if the other person is genuinely difficult, perhaps even mentally ill?   4. How does this work with someone who has all the power – like my boss?   5. If I’m the boss/parent, why can’t I just tell my subordinates/ children what to do?   6. Isn’t this a very American approach? How does it work in other cultures?   7. What about conversations that aren’t face-to-face? What should I do differently if I’m on the phone or e-mail?   8. Why do you advise people to “bring feelings into the workplace”? I’m not a therapist, and shouldn’t business decisions be made on the merits?   9. Who has time for all this in the real world? 10. My identity conversation keeps getting stuck in either-or: I’m perfect or I’m horrible. I can’t seem to get past that. What can I do?”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“we have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Because when we set out to try to change someone, we are more likely to argue with and attack their story and less likely to listen. This approach increases the likelihood that they will feel defensive rather than open to learning something new. They are more likely to change if they think we understand them and if they feel heard and respected. They are more likely to change if they feel free not to.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“we can make a reasonable argument that engaging (well) in difficult conversations is a sign of health in a relationship.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“We don’t care where the ball lands, as long as it doesn’t land on us.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“The big three blind spots are tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. The listener is very aware of these, the talker is not.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“If I’m the boss / parent, why can’t I just tell my subordinates / children what to do?”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“Blame Can Leave a Bad System Undiscovered”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“The truth is, intentions are invisible. We assume them from other people’s behavior. In other words, we make them up, we invent them. But”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“get curious about what you don’t know about yourself.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“The blame frame creates a difficult burden. You have to feel confident that others are at fault, and that you aren’t, to feel justified in raising an issue.”
― quote from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Popular quotes

“He'd never asked her whether she would prefer to have a master again, and now the thought of such a conversation made his throat tighten. In a sense it would be like asking someone whether they'd like to escape their present difficulties by killing themselves”
― Helene Wecker, quote from The Golem and the Jinni

“But 'why then publish?' There are no rewards
Of fame or profit when the world grows weary.
I ask in turn why do you play at cards?
Why drink? Why read? To make some hour less dreary.
It occupies me to turn back regards
On what I've seen or pondered, sad or cheery,
And what I write I cast upon the stream
To swim or sink. I have had at least my dream.”
― George Gordon Byron, quote from Don Juan

“You came to a party, got drunk and got laid. Same as me. The minute you gave me more of you, I took it, wanted even more and I didn’t keep that a secret, babe, and you fuckin’ know it.”
― Kristen Ashley, quote from Motorcycle Man

“There are people whose deaths make you ache with sadness. And then there are people whose deaths prevent the sun from rising, deaths that turn the walls black in every room you walk through, deaths that send storm clouds and a wail swirling through your head so that you can't hear music and you can't recognize your furniture or your own face in the mirror.”
― Marisa de los Santos, quote from Love Walked in

“Someday, when I am nothing but dust and wind, what tale will they tell about me? Once upon a time, a girl had a father, a prince, a society of friends. Then they betrayed her, and she destroyed them all.”
― Marie Lu, quote from The Rose Society

Interesting books

About BookQuoters

BookQuoters is a community of passionate readers who enjoy sharing the most meaningful, memorable and interesting quotes from great books. As the world communicates more and more via texts, memes and sound bytes, short but profound quotes from books have become more relevant and important. For some of us a quote becomes a mantra, a goal or a philosophy by which we live. For all of us, quotes are a great way to remember a book and to carry with us the author’s best ideas.

We thoughtfully gather quotes from our favorite books, both classic and current, and choose the ones that are most thought-provoking. Each quote represents a book that is interesting, well written and has potential to enhance the reader’s life. We also accept submissions from our visitors and will select the quotes we feel are most appealing to the BookQuoters community.

Founded in 2023, BookQuoters has quickly become a large and vibrant community of people who share an affinity for books. Books are seen by some as a throwback to a previous world; conversely, gleaning the main ideas of a book via a quote or a quick summary is typical of the Information Age but is a habit disdained by some diehard readers. We feel that we have the best of both worlds at BookQuoters; we read books cover-to-cover but offer you some of the highlights. We hope you’ll join us.