Quotes from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“There is a question I have learned to ask myself when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them?”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Most wars between individuals are of the 'cold' rather than the 'hot' variety---lingering resentment, for example, grudges long held, resources clutched rather than shared, help not offered. These are the acts of war that most threaten our homes and workplaces.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“...when I betray myself, others' faults become immediately inflated in my heart and mind. I begin to 'horribilize' others. That is, I begin to make them out to be worse than they really are. And I do this because the worse they are, the more justified I feel.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“The more sure I am that I'm right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken. My need to be right makes it more likely that I will be wrong! Likewise, the more sure I am that I am mistreated, the more likely I am to miss ways that I am mistreating others myself. My need for justification obscures the truth.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“...no conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Seeing an equal person as an inferior object is an act of violence”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“So if we are going to find lasting solutions to difficult conflicts or external wars we find ourselves in, we first need to find our way out of the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes toward others. If we can't put an end to the violence within us, there is no hope for putting an end to the violence without.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“In every moment...we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects. They either count like we do or they don't.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Because if you are the mess, you can clean it. Improvement doesn't depend on others.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Bruises heal more quickly than emotional scars do.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Have you ever been in a conflict with someone who thought he was wrong. If you are not wrong, then you will be willing to consider how you might be mistaken.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“As painful as it is to receive contempt from another, it is more debilitating by far to be filled with contempt for another.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“A solution to the inner war solves the outer war as well.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“...whenever i dehumanize another, I necessarily dehumanize all that is human---including myself.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“People whose hearts are at war toward others can't consider others' objections and challenges enough to be able to find a way through them.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“If we have deep problems, it's because we are failing at the deepest part of the solution. And when we fail at this deepest level, we invite our own failure.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“But like many who are lonely, I was more preoccupied with others than were those who lived to socialize...Everyone I hated was always with me, even when I was alone. They had to be, for I had to remember what and why I hated in order to remind myself to stay away from them.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Most problems in life are not solved merely by correction.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“When you begin to see others as people,’ Ben told me, ‘issues related to race, ethnicity, religion, and so on begin to look and feel different. You end up seeing people who have hopes, dreams, fears, and even justifications that resemble your own.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“In the way we regard our children, our spouses, neighbors, colleagues, and strangers, we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects.They either count like we do or they don't. In the former case we regard them as we regard ourselves, we say our hearts are at peace toward them. In the latter case, since we systematically view them as inferior, we say our hearts are at war.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“If you see people of a particular race or culture as objects, your view of them is racist, whatever your color or lack of color or you power or lack of power.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“My disability was my justification! It was my excuse for failing to engage with the world.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“the way we can know if we’ve betrayed ourselves is by whether we are still desiring to be helpful.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“But none of that is possible,” he continued, “if my heart is at war. A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“If we are poor learners, our teaching will be ineffective.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“... if I'm sure I'm right, there is little hope of seeing where I am failing. So I keep trying the same old things-”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“So, for example, if I had been raised in a critical or demanding environment, it might have been easier for me, relatively speaking, to find refuge in worse-than or need-to-be-seen-as justifications. Those who were raised in affluent or sanctimonious environments, on the other hand, may naturally gravitate to better-than and I-deserve justifications, and so on. Need-to-be-seen-as boxes might easily arise in such circumstances as well. “But the key point, and the point that is the same for all of us, is that we all grab for justification, however we can get it. Because grabbing for justification is something we do, we can undo it. Whether we find justification in how we are worse or in how we are better, we can each find our way to a place where we have no need for justification at all. We can find our way to peace—deep, lasting, authentic peace—even when war is breaking out around us.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Another characteristic of conflicts such as these,” he said, gesturing toward the board, “is the propensity to demonize others. One way we do this is by lumping others into lifeless categories—bigoted whites, for example, lazy blacks, crass Americans, arrogant Europeans, violent Arabs, manipulative Jews, and so on. When we do this, we make masses of unknown people into objects and many of them into our enemies.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“Seeing an equal person as an inferior object is an act of violence, Lou. It hurts as much as a punch to the face. In fact, in many ways it hurts more. Bruises heal more quickly than emotional scars do.”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“What are you afraid of, Lou?” “Afraid? I’m not afraid of anything,” Lou”
― The Arbinger Institute, quote from The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

About the author

Popular quotes

“there are places in the world where real life is still happening, far away from here, in a pre-Hitler Europe, where hundreds of lights are lit every evening, ladies and gentlemen gather to drink coffee with cream in oak-panelled rooms, or sit comfortably in splendid coffee-houses under gilt chandeliers, stroll arm in arm to the opera or the ballet, observe from close-up the lives of great artists, passionate love affairs, broken hearts, the painter’s girlfriend falling in love with his best friend the composer, and going out at midnight bareheaded in the rain to stand alone on the ancient bridge whose reflection trembles in the river. *”
― Amos Oz, quote from A Tale of Love and Darkness

“Not every man or woman sailing down the river will be a figure of force or significance. Some are merely in the boat with all of us.”
― Guy Gavriel Kay, quote from River of Stars

“I was interested, M. Poirot, in something you said just now. You said that there was evil done everywhere under the sun. It was almost a quotation from Ecclesiastes.” He paused and then quoted himself: “Yea, also the heart of the sons of men is full of evil, and madness is in their heart while they live.”
― Agatha Christie, quote from Evil Under the Sun

“The soul might be silent but the servant of the soul has always got a voice and it has got one for a reason.”
― Cormac McCarthy, quote from The Sunset Limited

“In The Shawshank Redemption, there's a short scene between Andy and Red that reveals the difference in their points of view. After almost twenty years in Shawshank Prison, Red is cynical because, in his eyes, the concept of hope is simply a four-letter word. His spirit has been so crushed by the prison system that he angrily declares to Andy, 'Hope is a dangerous thing. Drives a man insane. It's got no place here. Better get used to the idea.' And it is Red's emotional journey that leads him to the understanding that 'hope is a good thing.' The film ends on a note of hope, with Red breaking his parole and riding the bus to meet Andy in Mexico: 'I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”
― Syd Field, quote from Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting

Interesting books

About BookQuoters

BookQuoters is a community of passionate readers who enjoy sharing the most meaningful, memorable and interesting quotes from great books. As the world communicates more and more via texts, memes and sound bytes, short but profound quotes from books have become more relevant and important. For some of us a quote becomes a mantra, a goal or a philosophy by which we live. For all of us, quotes are a great way to remember a book and to carry with us the author’s best ideas.

We thoughtfully gather quotes from our favorite books, both classic and current, and choose the ones that are most thought-provoking. Each quote represents a book that is interesting, well written and has potential to enhance the reader’s life. We also accept submissions from our visitors and will select the quotes we feel are most appealing to the BookQuoters community.

Founded in 2023, BookQuoters has quickly become a large and vibrant community of people who share an affinity for books. Books are seen by some as a throwback to a previous world; conversely, gleaning the main ideas of a book via a quote or a quick summary is typical of the Information Age but is a habit disdained by some diehard readers. We feel that we have the best of both worlds at BookQuoters; we read books cover-to-cover but offer you some of the highlights. We hope you’ll join us.