Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool--even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously they don't agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.

As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.

It’s the most talented, not the least talented, who are continually trying to improve their dialogue skills. As is often the case, the rich get richer.

Respect is like air. As long as it's present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it's all that people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose—it is now about defending dignity.

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy

The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.

Remember, to know and not to do is really not to know.

At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information.

The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. —MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. Mastering

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. —AMBROSE BIERCE

One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears—by listening to them. —DEAN RUSK

Let’s say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn’t handle it well. You decide not to put on added pressure, so you clam up. Of course, since you’re not all that happy with the arrangement, your displeasure now comes out through an occasional sarcastic remark. “Another late night, huh? I’ve got Facebook friends I see more often.” Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. You’re caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop.

Don't aim for perfection. Aim for progress. Learn to slow the process down when your adrenaline gets pumping.

I have become more aware of (1) how true emotions can feel during crucial moments, and (2) how false they really are.

You know what? We need to talk about this. I’m glad you asked the question. Thank you for taking that risk. I appreciate the trust it shows in me.

What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?

SUMMARY—START WITH HEART Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals—particularly when the going gets tough. Work on Me First, Us Second • Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. • Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?” • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?” • And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?” Refuse the Fool’s Choice • As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice. • Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on. • Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the and. • Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.

An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others.

Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works—it fails; thus, nothing fails like success.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in baskets of silver.

Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option?

When people purposefully withhold meaning from one another, individually smart people can do collectively stupid things.

There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus. These four options represent increasing degrees of involvement.

Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.