Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior

Emotions are built on layers. Beneath hatred is usually anger; beneath anger is frustration; beneath frustration is hurt; beneath hurt is fear. If you keep expressing your feelings, you will generally move through them in that order. What begins with “I hate you” culminates in “I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t know what to do about it.

You know the old saying, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Well, if you always get out as soon as the kitchen gets hot, your life will end up half-baked.

man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” —ALEXANDER POPE

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.” —INDIRA GANDHI

Both partners describe one of their own character flaws. Humility resolves self-righteousness.

Both partners share a quality of the other person that they admire. Admiration resolves disappointment. Both partners express appreciation for something that the other one did. Gratitude resolves resentment. Both partners apologize, without excuses, for something they did to hurt the other person. Remorse resolves hurt.

All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a simple lonely action.

But the goal is not to replace what cannot be replaced, or duplicate what cannot be duplicated, but simply to create opportunities for new memories. One

That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way.” —DORIS LESSING Ordinary

Those who are comfortable taking chances know that the best way to grow is to reach beyond their grasp. Their sense of direction comes from the heart. They don’t shy away from surprise; they might even seek it out. And they seldom die with regrets. In the end we regret not what we have done but what we have not done.