What Is a Girl Worth?: My Story of Breaking the Silence and Exposing the Truth about Larry Nassar and USA Gymnastics

I had to remind myself of the truth of who I was and the reality that success wasn’t defined by a result but by faithfulness. I had to remember that my identity and healing weren’t dependent on the voices that surrounded me and that the truth wasn’t dependent on popular opinion or cultural responses. I had to focus on what was real and true. The straight line instead of the crooked.

There are two major purposes in our criminal justice system, Your Honor—the pursuit of justice and the protection of the innocent.

Why don't victims report? Because most of the time, the only thing reporting accomplishes is heightening the trauma to almost unbearable levels. It invites an audience to view your sexual assault. It's choosing to have no voice in the process after having it stolen from you. That's why victims don't report.

An attorney who worked for victims who'd been abused by priests told an investigative reporter, “Mark my words, Mr. Rezendez, if it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to abuse one.” And it does. It always has. But the film showed that it takes a village to stop the abuse too. One rogue attorney unwilling to let it go. One survivor who stood up first and said you can use my name. One newspaper editor who said "this matters". And a team who pulled their hearts and minds into it.

I think often of what I tell my own young children as I walk them through the thought process of making decisions. I tell them daily that there are only two motivations for doing the right thing - they can first be motivated by love. They can choose what is right because they do not want the people around them to suffer the consequences of their wrong choices. Or they can be motivated by self-interest - because they themselves do not want to live with the consequences for their bad decisions. And I tell my children that love is the motivation that will give them joy and peace when doing the right thing is hard and hurts.

So much work remains. So much evil to fight. So much healing to reach for. So many wounded to love. Consider this your invitation to join in that work. To do what is right, no matter the cost. To hold to the straight line in the midst of the battle. To define your success by faithfulness in the choices you make. The darkness is there, and we cannot ignore it. But we can let it point us to the light.

The pattern of seeking ways to minimize or obscure our own choices - that is in all of us. The danger of lying to ourselves about who we really are or the things we've really done, no matter how small they seem in comparison to what others have done, is real. That is what makes the Gospel of Christ so sweet. Because it extends grace and hope and mercy where none should be found.

Throughout this process, I have clung to a quote by C.S. Lewis, where he says, my argument against God was that the universe seems so cruel and unjust. But how did I get this idea of just, unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he first has some idea of straight. What was I comparing the universe to when I called it unjust?

This is what abusers do,” they explained. “Everything centers on them. Even when they apologize, they keep the focus on themselves—how they’ve been wronged or what they think they’ve done well—to try to shift the focus away from the pain they’ve caused. They don’t truly take responsibility for anything.” Abusers pass the blame to others, they told me. But that’s not what love does. Love cares first about the harm done to the other person. Unlike abuse, love does not excuse or minimize wrongdoing.

Survivors are frequently too exhausted and traumatized to push through a public lawsuit, and enablers and abusers know this. Some attorneys will suggest a quiet settlement with a nondisclosure agreement (NDA), promising the victim fast relief and a smoother process. Getting abusers and enablers to agree is rarely a problem because an NDA ensures the victim's silence...Attorneys who don't want to put much time and effort into the process can bind survivors to silence at a time when they are too vulnerable to fight back or even know better, and then those lawyers walk away with a windfall payment.

Was I fighting for something because I just wanted to win—even if I was technically right—or was I fighting for something because

A saving grace through my abuse had been my parents' relationship with each other and with me. My mom was an abuse survivor, too, and she didn't hide that. I knew there were men out there who could walk through the grief and pain alongside survivors, who could help them heal instead of hurt them, because my dad had done that for my mom. From both my dad and my brother, I knew that healthy masculinity was a gift.

A saving gra e through my abuse had been my parents' relationship with each other and with me. My mom was an abuse survivor, too, and she didn't hide that. I knew there were men out there who could walk through the grief and pain alongside survivors, who could help them heal instead of hurt them, because my dad had done that for my mom. From both my dad and my brother, I knew that healthy masculinity was a gift.

As I lay in bed the night after Larry abused me, I remembered the time I’d found out why we’d lost our church and had begun to recognize how too many churches treat sexual abuse. The unwillingness to believe. The refusal to engage with experts. The denigration of those who do. Hushed secrecy to preserve the image of “the gospel,” when justice would demonstrate the love of Christ so much better.