Men, Women, and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough

This idea that we ask men to show up and to be vulnerable, to let themselves be seen, but that we really can’t tolerate it, was probably one of the most significant patterns that emerged from my work with men. When I went back and talked to women about this, or I did interviews with both men and women, the response was, ‘it’s true. I ask him to be vulnerable, I ask him to show up, I ask him to show me the fear, but when he does it I am terrified and my response is shut that down immediately, I don’t want to see that’.

Empathy heals shame; sympathy exacerbates shame. We don't want people to feel sorry for us; we want people to be with us.

To know shame is to be human. And to have the capacity for empathy is also to be human.

Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

One of the greatest barriers to empathy is the fear of saying the wrong thing or the need to make everything better. Let me go on record as saying (putting you at ease a little bit, hopefully) that when someone has experienced something very traumatic - a significant loss - there’s nothing you can say to make it better. All you can do is to be with people in that space. So if all you can come up with is, ‘I don’t know what to say. I just know that I want to be with you in this. I don’t know how to make it better. I just know that I’m dying inside to make it better. I want to help.’ What we all need when we’re in struggle is the ability for other people to look us in the eye, to be with us, to embrace us, and to be willing to be with us.

If men and women are going to find their ways back to each other, and back to a relationship where we’re allowed to be less than perfect and allowed to be vulnerable and afraid, we have to understand shame.