Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead

Feedback doesn’t tell you about yourself. It tells you about the person giving the feedback. In other words, if someone says your work is gorgeous, that just tells you about *their* taste. If you put out a new product and it doesn’t sell at all, that tells you something about what your audience does and doesn’t want. When we look at praise and criticism as information about the people giving it, we tend to get really curious about the feedback, rather than dejected or defensive.

Playing big doesn't come from working more, pushing harder, or finding confidence. It comes from listening to the most powerful and secure part of you, not the voice of self-doubt.

Research shows that women incur social costs for advocating for themselves too strongly; they are seen as less likable by those around them, especially by other women.

Attachment to praise and avoidance of criticism keeps us from doing innovative, controversial work and--more simply--from following the paths we feel called toward, whether or not those around us understand or approve.

A host of studies show that because of subtle bias, women have to perform better than their male counterparts to be seen as performing equally. In response to this, women often work harder than their male counterparts, spending more time on preparatory work. In other words, we learn (consciously or unconsciously) that diligent preparation is a pretty good strategy for succeeding, as best we can, in a professional and academic world where we’ll often be underestimated.

When a woman truly begins playing big according to what that means to her, she becomes one, naturally. The

Throughout my childhood, I often felt that I was living with one foot in each of two very different worlds. One world was about thinking, the other about emotion. One was about what we can see and touch and hear, the other was about the inner life that created that tangible reality. As I sought to weave together these two worlds, I moved between what I'd now call times of playing big and times of playing small. During some periods, I could remember what I truly loved - writing, the arts, spirituality, entrepreneurship, creativity, women's empowerment, and being a part of a community - and I could build a life that was about those things. But during many years, I was lost from all that. My education helped develop my intellect, but the artist in me became lost along the way and I neglected my spiritual life. I became a bit cynical about personal growth work, taking my cues from the academic culture around me rather than listening inward to what I knew to be true. Worst of all, I developed some fabulous "critical thinking" skills but then applied them to my own dreams for my future, playing the skeptic instead of being an ally to myself.