Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children

It is one of those simple but beautiful paradoxes of life: When a person feels that he is truly accepted by another, as he is, then he is freed to move from there and to begin to think about how he wants to change, how we wants to grow, how he can become different, how he might become more of what he is capable of being.

But what if your kid runs into the street in front of a car? Don't you have to use Method I?" ... If a child develops a habit of running into the street, a parent might first try to talk to the child about the dangers of cars, walk her around the edge of the yard, and tell her that anything beyond is not safe, show her a picture of a child hit by a car, build a fence around the yard, or watch her when she is playing in the front yard for a couple of days, reminding her each time she goes beyond the limits. Even if I took the punishment approach, I would never risk my child's life on the assumption that punishment alone would keep her from going into the street. I would want to employ more certain methods in any event.

Parents can raise children who are responsible, self-disciplined, and cooperative without relying on the weapon of fear; they can learn how to influence children to behave out of genuine consideration for the needs of parents rather than out of fear of punishment or withdrawal of privileges.

Parents are blamed but not trained.

Most parents hate to experience conflict, are deeply troubled when it occurs, and are quite confused about how to handle it constructively. Actually, it would be a rare relationship if over a period of time one person's needs did not conflict with the other's. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently, have different needs and wants that sometimes do not match.

Much of the rebellion of today’s adolescents can be attributed to parents and other adults who put pressure on them to modify behavior that the kids feel is their own business. Children do not rebel against adults—they rebel against adults’ attempts to take away their freedom.

Active Listening provides parents with a way of moving in and offering to help the child define the problem for herself, and starting up the process of problem-solving within the child.

Readers who have owned animals will appreciate how difficult it would be to train a dog to play exclusively in his own yard, to fetch his sweater whenever he sees it is raining outside, or to be generous in sharing his dog biscuits with other dogs. Yet these same people would not even question the feasibility of trying to use reward and punishment to teach their children the same behaviors.

Parents report that Active Listening when a child is hurt and cries vigorously frequently brings about a dramatic and instantaneous cessation of the crying, once the child is certain her parent knows and understands how badly she feels or how much she is afraid. For the child, getting this understanding of her feelings is what she needs most.

Parents who satisfy their own needs through independent productive effort not only accept themselves but also needn’t seek gratification of their needs from the way their children behave. They don’t need their children to turn out in a particular way. People with high self-esteem, resting on a firm foundation of their own independent achievement, are more accepting of their children and the way they behave.

You have created a life, now let the child have it. Let him decide what he wants to do with the life you gave him

Parents can modify themselves, and reduce the number of behaviors that are unacceptable to them, by coming to see that their children are not their children, not extensions of themselves, but separate, unique. A child has the right to become what he is capable of becoming, no matter how different from the parent or the parent’s blueprint for the child. This is his inalienable right.

I often tell parents, “Don’t want your child to become something in particular; just want him to become.

The successful consultant offers her ideas, then leaves responsibility with the client for buying or rejecting them.

The point is, the child must accept the logic that her behavior is having a tangible and concrete effect on the parent. Only then will she be willing to enter into no-lose problem-solving.

In conflicts about bedtime, a family may want to discuss who is going to watch the clock and call time.

In conflicts about chores and work duties, for example, “How often?” “On what days?” and “What are to be the standards of performance required?” are questions that often must be discussed.

Further, parents unconsciously come in with preconceived solutions that will meet their need rather than express the need itself. Separating needs from solutions can be very difficult because even when people use the word need, what they are saying is often a solution that would meet a need. While Active Listening is the most important skill to use in separating needs from solutions, the questions “What will that do for me?” and “What will that do for you?” can also be extremely helpful. For example, if you say, “I need a new car,” is that a need or a solution? Ask the question “What will that do for me?

One of the most universally accepted myths about child-rearing is that if parents force their young children to do things, they will turn out to be self-disciplined and responsible persons.

This is the critical factor in any relationship: how the conflicts get resolved, not how many conflicts occur.

I-Messages containing these three parts: 1) a description of the unacceptable behavior, 2) the parent’s feeling, and 3) the tangible and concrete effect the behavior has on the parent. [BEHAVIOR + FEELING + EFFECT.]

You-Messages are poor codes for communicating what a parent is feeling, because they will most often be decoded by the child in terms of either what she should do (sending a solution) or how bad she is (sending blame or evaluation).

Feelings are an essential part of living, not something pathological or dangerous. Our system also shows that feelings are generally transitory—they come and go, leaving no permanent damage to the child. The key to their going, however, is parental acceptance and acknowledgment, transmitted to the child by empathic Active Listening.

Active Listening can do wonders in such predicaments. The main thing the child wants is recognition from the parent of how deeply the child is feeling.

The receiver does not send a message of his own—such as an evaluation, opinion, advice, logic, analysis, or question. He feeds back only what he feels the sender’s message meant—nothing more, nothing less.

It is one thing for a parent to feel acceptance toward a child; it is another thing to make that acceptance felt.

Why is parental acceptance such a significant positive influence on the child? This is not generally understood by parents. Most people have been brought up to believe that if you accept a child he will remain just the way he is; that the best way to help a child become something better in the future is to tell him what you don’t accept about him now.

Kids learn that talking to their parents is not helpful and often not safe. Consequently, many parents miss thousands of chances to help their children with problems they encounter in life.

While children undoubtedly prefer to be accepted, they can constructively handle their parent’s unaccepting feelings when parents send clear and honest messages that match their true feelings.