How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

I was a wonderful parent before I had children.

When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.

Let us be different in our homes. Let us realize that, along with food, shelter, and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that is to affirm their “rightness.” The whole world will tell them what’s wrong with them—loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what’s right about them.

The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves.

The more you try to push a child's unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortable you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to leg go of them.

It’s a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience—so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave us.

Some children can tell you why they’re frightened, angry, or unhappy. For many, however, the question “Why?” only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children don’t know why they feel as they do. At other times they’re reluctant to tell because they fear that in the adult’s eyes their reason won’t seem good enough. (“For that you’re crying?”) It’s much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, “I see something is making you sad,” rather than to be interrogated with “What happened?” or “Why do you feel that way?” It’s easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you’re feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations.

Once upon a time there were two seven-year-old boys named Bruce and David. They both had mother s who loved them very much. Each boy's day began differently.

Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear. So

All we are given is possibilities— to make ourselves one thing or another. JOSÉ ORTEGA Y GASSET

I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.

Living with real children can be humbling.

Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged.

Does my request make sense in terms of my child’s age and ability? (Am I expecting an eight-year-old to have perfect table manners?)

Does he feel my request is unreasonable? (“Why does my mother bug me to wash behind my ears? Nobody looks there.”)

Can I give her a choice about when to do something, rather than insisting upon “right now.” (“Do you want to take your bath before your TV show or right after?”)

Can I offer a choice about how something is done? (“Do you want to take your bath with your doll or your boat?”)

To Engage a Child’s Cooperation 1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE, OR DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM. “There’s a wet towel on the bed.” 2. GIVE INFORMATION. “The towel is getting my blanket wet.” 3. SAY IT WITH A WORD. “The towel!” 4. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL. “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!” 5. WRITE A NOTE. (above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks! Your Towel

It’s a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience—so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave

Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kis. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are--not to trust them.

Parents don’t usually give this kind of response, because they fear that by giving a name to the feeling they’ll make it worse. Just the opposite is true. The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.

Living with real children can be humbling. Every morning I would tell myself, “Today is going to be different,

One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son’s emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy’s bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises.

We say “please” to our children to model a socially acceptable way to make a small request. But “please” lends itself best to our more relaxed moments.

There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they’re upset. For them, Mom or Dad’s presence is comfort enough. One mother told us about walking into the living room and seeing her ten-year-old daughter slumped on the sofa with tear-stained eyes. The mother sat down beside her daughter, put her arms around her, murmured, “Something happened,” and sat silently with her for five minutes. Finally, her daughter sighed and said, “Thanks, Mom. I’m better now.

Is there any way to explain the fact that sometimes my kids respond when I ask them to do something and sometimes I can’t seem to get through?