Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe

When dreaded outcomes are actually imminent we don't worry about themwe take action. Seeing lava from the local volcano make its way down the street toward our house does not cause worry it causes running. Also we don't usually choose imminent events as subjects for our worrying and thus emerges an ironic truth: Often the very fact that you are worrying about something means that it isn't likely to happen.

When a baby is born the mother in particular enters into a new larger relationship with the world. She has become connected to all people. She is part of keeping us on earthnot the "us" comprised of individuals but the species itself. By protecting this one baby this gift a mother accepts life's clearest responsibility.

For some parents, as with Jason’s father, the least popular feature of their children is defiance. Yet it is one of the most important for safety. If defiance is always met with discipline and never with discussion, that can handicap a child. The moment the two-year-old defiantly asserts his will for the first time may be cause for celebration, not castigation, for he is building the courage to resist. If your teenage daughter never tests her defiance on you, she may well be unable to use it on a predator.

While you may be able to keep your son Jimmy from owning [a gun], if you try to talk him out of wanting one, you are up against a pretty strong argument: You mean I shouldn't want a device that grants me power and identity, makes me feel dangerous and safe at the same time, instantly makes me the dominant male, and connects me to my evolutionary essence? Come on, Mom, get real!

The absence of adult males upsets the natural order in our species and in others. For example, game wardens in South Africa recently had to kill several teenage male elephants that had uncharacteristically become violent. These young elephants behaved like a contemporary street gang—and perhaps for the same reason: There were no adult males in their lives. To solve the problem, park officials imported adult male elephants from outside the area. Almost immediately, the remaining juveniles stopped misbehaving. Testosterone ungoverned by experience is dangerous, and older males temper the craving for dominance—merely by being dominant themselves.

Some parents have taught their small children, “Go to the manager,” but this poses the same problem of identification as with the policeman: That small name tag is several feet above the child’s eye-line. I don’t believe in teaching inflexible rules because it’s not possible to know they’ll apply in all situations. There is one, however, that reliably enhances safety: Teach children that if they are ever lost, Go to a Woman. Why? First, if your child selects a woman, it’s highly unlikely that the woman will be a sexual predator. Next, as Jan’s story illustrates, a woman approached by a lost child asking for help is likely to stop whatever she is doing, commit to that child, and not rest until the child is safe. A man approached by a small child might say, “Head over there to the manager’s desk,” whereas a woman will get involved and stay involved.

when a victim tells her story and people respond with You-should-have-this or You-should-never-have-that, they are often adding to the victimization.

Imagine Cara caring enough to make a police report about an abused child knowing the information will likely be unwelcome to the police, enraging to the parent, and unappreciated by the child, knowing nothing might happen, or worse, that the kid may be beaten for the trouble it causes—yet hoping this case is one where the child is actually helped. There’s nothing depressing about the heroism teachers show every day.

As parent and child advocate Anna McDonnell says, “To have a child is to have the chance to revisit your own childhood and self, and sometimes to make changes that have been needed for a long while.” Trained for decades to interact with men in ways that serve the patriarchy, the new mother must answer to no man if doing so might place her or her child at risk.

One of our closest relatives in nature, the Bonobo ape, long ago learned what these programs prove: that female alliances are the key to safety. When a female Bonobo is bullied by a male, other females will chase him off.

You cannot turn a decent man into a violent one by being momentarily rude, but you can present yourself as an ideal target by appearing too timid.

Just as rapport-building has a good reputation, explicitness applied by women in this culture has a terrible reputation. A woman who is clear and precise is viewed as cold, or a bitch, or both. A woman is expected, first and foremost, to respond to every communication from a man. And the response is expected to be one of willingness and attentiveness. Women are expected to be warm and open, and in the context of an approach from a male stranger, warmth lengthens the encounter, raises his expectations, increases his investment, and, at best, wastes time. At worst, it serves the man who has sinister intent by providing much of the information he will need to evaluate and then control his target.

seven key abilities human beings need to effectively manage life: the ability to motivate ourselves, to persist against frustration, to delay gratification, to regulate moods, to hope, to empathize, and to control impulse. Many

Men who will not harm you needn’t persuade you to trust them; they simply act appropriately from the moment you meet them and for as long as you know them. They

a good exercise when worrying is to ask yourself, What am I choosing not to see right now? Worry may well be distracting you from something important. For

through their families—and those families are important models for the rest of us

In Mr. Kaye’s crazy arms race, would we someday judge schools by comparing the ratio of armed students to armed teachers?

We may suppress an objectionable thought about a friend, but the only way to really banish a thought is to consider it.

It’s obvious that we need inexpensive and safe care for young Americans; this was clear to Congress nearly thirty years ago when it passed the Child Development Act of 1971. This act would have created a national network of child-care centers with parent fees set according to income. Here’s why I say would have: Though busy with the Watergate scandal and the impending loss of his job, President Nixon somehow found time to veto the Child Development Act.

The Unsolicited Promise When the man volunteered, “I promise we’ll look after him,” he gave one of the most reliable signals of trouble. Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees. A guarantee offers some compensation if the speaker fails to deliver, but promises offer no such collateral. They are the very hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than the speaker’s desire to convince you of something.

Here is a list of the PINS: Alcohol and drug abuse; Addiction to media products; Aimlessness; Fascination with weapons and violence; Experience with guns; Access to guns; Sullen, Angry, Depressed (SAD); Seeking status and worth through violence; Threats (of violence or suicide); Chronic anger; Rejection/humiliation; Media provocation.

Don’t think of persuasion as something someone does to us; persuasion is an internal process, not an external one. We persuade ourselves. A predator merely manipulates how things seem to us.

Sexual predators often start with nonsexual touch to desensitize their targets. It might be “accidental” touch, or hugs, pats, strokes, hair-brushing, holding. A

Your suspicion alone is more than enough justification for preventing time alone with your child. You

An unhappy child not getting comfort or support at home will look for it somewhere else. Next

(if you never make a decision, you can’t make a mistake). It

Those people we are willing to suspect are inherently less dangerous than those we refuse to suspect. We

The same way others become people we select for inclusion in our lives: We learn enough about them, they pass several of our tests, they lose their anonymity, and we discover an acceptable degree of shared values. The

Obviously, we cannot change or eliminate all the dangerous people in the world; what we can change is our ability to deal with them. That

NEWS: Nothing Educational or Worth Seeing. It