Shepherding a Child's Heart

All behavior is linked to attitudes of the heart. Therefore, discipline must address attitudes of the heart.

The finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts. It is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another.

Some people think listening is what you do between opportunities to say something. During listening times they don’t listen at all. They are deciding what to say. Don’t be such a parent. The Proverbs remind you that the fool does not delight in understanding, but in airing his own opinion (Proverbs 18:2).

Recognizing that God has called you to function as his agent defines your task as a parent. Our culture has reduced parenting to providing care. Parents often see the task in these narrow terms. The child must have food, clothes, a bed, and some quality time. In sharp contrast to such a weak view, God has called you to a more profound task than being only a care-provider. You shepherd your child in God's behalf. The task God has given you is not one that can be conveniently scheduled. It is a pervasive task. Training and shepherding are going on whenever you are with your children. Whether waking, walking, talking or resting, you must be involved in helping your child to understand life, himself, and his needs from a biblical perspective (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).

You should encourage your children to see the needs of those around them.

I have spoken to many parents who feared they were producing little hypocrites who were proud and self-righteous. Hypocrisy and self-righteousness is the result of giving children a keepable law and telling them to be good. To the extent they are successful, they become like the Pharisees....The genius of Phariseeism was that it reduced the law to a keepable standard of externals that any self-disciplined person could do. In their pride and self-righteousness, they rejected Christ.

Proverbs 12:15–16 says: “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.

We give them material things and take delight in their delight in possessions. Then we hope that somewhere down the line they will see that a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving God.

The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God.

The parent can change his mind in the context of respectful appeal, but not in the presence of blatant rebellion.

The most powerful way to keep your children from being attracted by the offers of camaraderie from the wicked is to make home an attractive place to be.

Moms and dads tell the children what to do. Kids tell their parents their wishes and dreams.

When we allow our children to become independent decision makers we give them a false idea of liberty and a mistaken notion about freedom.

Parents tend to see their children’s behavior in very naive terms. We see the fight over a toy as simply a fight over a toy, when actually it is a failure to prefer others. It is selfishness. It is saying to others, “I don’t care about what your wishes are; I want to have what I want.” It is a determination to live in the world in a way that exploits every opportunity to serve oneself.

recently asked a young lad of ten what would get him into the most trouble, breaking a valuable vase or disobeying his parents’ clear directive. Without a moment of hesitation, he said it would be far worse to break a cherished vase. This lad has learned the values of the home. He perceives an unspoken value that says prized vases are of greater concern to his parents than disobedient boys. These values are based on hollow and deceptive philosophies.

You should help them learn to make peace.

You should teach that a soft answer turns away wrath.

Train your children to use occasions when hurt to learn how to love God and deepen their trust and confidence in him.

It is our task to faithfully teach our children the ways of God.

It is the Holy Spirit’s task to work through the Word of God to change their hearts.

The central focus of childrearing is to bring children to a sober assessment of themselves as sinners.

you may never use your children to promote your convictions. The purpose of discipline is not evangelism. The purpose of discipline is to shepherd your children.

I have often wondered why grounding is so universally popular. I believe it is because it is easy. It doesn’t require on-going interaction. It does not require on-going discussion. It does not assess what is going on inside the child. It does not require patient instruction and entreaty. Grounding is quick, incisive, simple. “You’re grounded for a month. Go to your room.” Perhaps parents just don’t know anything more constructive to do. They feel frustrated. They realize that something is wrong with their child. They don’t know how to get to it. They feel they need to respond in some way. One thing is for sure. Grounding does not address the issues of the heart in a biblical way. The heart is being addressed, but it is addressed wrongly. The child will learn to cope with the grounding, but may never learn the things that a godly parent desires for him to learn. My 10-year-old friend is rather philosophical about it. “It’s not too bad,” he said to me, “I can play and watch TV in my room. If I don’t let it bother me, it isn’t that bad.” He has learned to live under house arrest.

These gurus promise to teach you how to build self-esteem in your children. Have you noticed that no books promise to help produce children who esteem others?

It is possible to be well-educated and still not understand life.

The person your child becomes is a product of two things. The first is his life experience. The second is how he interacts with that experience.

Romans 12:17–21 tells us that the only weapon strong enough to overcome evil is good.

The child’s problem is not an information deficit. His problem is that he is a sinner. There are things within the heart of the sweetest little baby that, allowed to blossom and grow to fruition, will bring about eventual destruction.

The conscience within man is always either excusing or accusing.

Proverbs 13:20 says, “He who walks with the wise becomes wise.” As a wise parent your objective is not simply to discuss, but to demonstrate the freshness and vitality of life lived in integrity toward God and your family.

Two mistakes are made in interacting with the shaping influences of life. The first is seeing shaping influences deterministically. It is the error of assuming that the child is a helpless victim of the circumstances in which he was raised. The second mistake is denial. It is the mistake of saying the child is unaffected by his early childhood experience. Passages such as Proverbs 29:21 illustrate the importance of childhood experience. Here we see that the servant pampered from youth is affected in a manner that brings grief in the end. Neither denial nor determinism is correct. You need to understand these shaping influences biblically. Such understanding will aid you in your task as parents.

Proverbs 18:13 reminds us that “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.

You need to understand your child in relationship to the two broad sets of issues that affect him: 1) The child and his relationship to the shaping influences of life. 2) The child and his relationship to God.

No wonder we lose our kids. We lose them because we fail to think clearly about man’s chief end. The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever; therefore, your objective in every context must be to set a biblical worldview before your children. From their earliest days, they must be taught that they are creatures made in the image of God—made for God. They must learn that they will only “find themselves” as they find him. Your child must grow to see that real living is experienced when he stands before God and says, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you” (Psalm 73:25). If this is what you want for your children, then you must ensure that the content of everyday life fits this objective.

No debes avergonzarte de ser una autoridad para tus hijos. Ejercitas la autoridad como un agente de Dios y, por tanto, no debes dirigir a tus hijos según su agenda o para su conveniencia, sino que debes dirigirlos en nombre de Dios y para el bien de ellos.

You want to provide the best possible shaping influences for your children. You want the structure of your home to furnish the stability and security that they need. You want the quality of relationships in your home to reflect the grace of God and the mercy for failing sinners that God’s character demonstrates. You want the punishments meted out to be appropriate and to reflect a holy God’s view of sin. You want the values of your home to be scripturally informed. You want to control the flow of events so that your home is not chaotic, but well-structured. You want to provide a healthy, constructive atmosphere for your child.

Pressures of the teen years pull children away from home. This is the time when they develop camaraderie with those who “understand them.” They are looking for relationships in which someone knows, understands, and loves them. Your children should not have to leave home for that. You can provide family relationships in which your children are understood and embraced. The attraction the “wrong crowd” holds is not a license for being bad. The attraction of the “wrong crowd” is camaraderie. Children long to be known, understood, discipled and loved.

A wise parent talks when the kids are in the mood. Every so often they will ask a question, make a comment, reveal some little aspect of their heart. In those times, when their conscience is stirred, you need to talk. This may require dropping everything else to seize a critical moment.

This issue—submission to authority—is foundational for the entire parent-child relationship. It is possible to build this foundation after the house has been started. It is, however, more difficult and more expensive. If your children are young, do it right from the start. Don’t let them develop habits of disobedience. Be sure that they learn to obey without challenge, without excuse, without delay.

It is easy for a parent to say, "I am right and I am angry, therefore my anger is righteous anger." It may be that we are just angry because we are not getting what we want.