The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You

Like a plant, the kind of seed that goes into the ground—your innate temperament—is only part of the story. The quality of soil, water, and sun also deeply affects the grown plant that is now you.

Because people without the trait (the majority) do not understand that, they see us as timid, shy, weak, or that greatest sin of all, unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others and then by ourselves.

If you remember only one thing from this book

In all cases, you are consciously ridding yourself of the discomfort. So forget the idea that you are inherently uncomfortable in social situations.

If your action turns out to have been a mistake, you are the one who made it. At least you tried.

This image is important for HSPs to keep in mind because one of the most arousing moments in one’s life is either confessing or receiving a declaration of affection. But if we want to be close to someone, we must do it! We must endure all the risks of getting closer and being close, including speaking up.

Often we have to make ourselves unpopular by stopping the majority from rushing ahead. Thus, to perform our role well, we have to feel very good about ourselves. We have to ignore all the messages from the warriors that we are not as good as they are. The warriors have their bold style, which has its value. But we, too, have our style and our own important contribution to make.

None of the above is meant to take more HSPs out of the battle for social justice and environmental sanity. On the contrary, we need to be out there, but in our way. Perhaps some of what goes wrong in government and politics is not so much a product of the Left or Right but the lack of enough HSPs making everyone pause to check the consequences. We have abdicated, leaving things to the more impulsive, aggressive sorts, who do happen to thrive on running for political office and then on running everything else. The Romans had a great general named Cincinnatus. The legend is that he had wanted to live quietly on his farm but was persuaded twice to return to public life to save his people from military disasters. The world needs to coax more such folks into public positions. But if they don’t coax us, we had better volunteer now and then.

You say you’re afraid of failing. Which inner voice says that? A wise one that protects you? Or a critical one that paralyzes you? For the sake of getting going, assume the voice is right and you’ll fail. Forget about the people who tried and succeeded, the theme of so many movies. I know people who have tried and failed. Many of them. They may be out megabucks and megatime, but they’re still happier for having tried. Now they’re moving on to other goals, wiser for what they learned about themselves and the world. And really, since no effort amounts to a total failure, they’re much more confident about themselves than when they were sitting on the sidelines.

In its gentlest form, yours probably, selling is simply sharing with others what you know about something. Once they understand what you think is its value, you can let them make up their own mind.

The body fluids (blood, urine, saliva) of sensitive children show indications of high levels of norepinephrine present in their brains, especially after the children are exposed to various forms of stress in the laboratory. Norepinephrine is associated with arousal; in fact, it is the brain’s version of adrenaline. Sensitive children’s body fluids also contain more cortisol, both when under stress and when at home. Cortisol is the hormone present when one is in a more or less constant state of arousal or wariness.

To sum it up again, you pick up on the subtleties that others miss and so naturally you also arrive quickly at the level of arousal past which you are no longer comfortable. That first fact about you could not be true without the second being true as well. It’s a package deal, and a very good package. It’s also important that you keep in mind that this book is about both your personal innate physical trait and also about your frequently unappreciated social importance. You were born to be among the advisors and thinkers, the spiritual and moral leaders of your society. There is every reason for pride.

When I asked, as I usually do, what advice he would give others, he said, “Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world—your sensitivity is not something to be feared.

We are so skilled, but alas, when being watched, timed, or evaluated, we often cannot display our competence.

There are many fruits growing from the trait of sensitivity. Your mind works differently. Please remember that what follows is on the average; nobody has all these traits. But compared to non-HSPs, most of us are: • Better at spotting errors and avoiding making errors. • Highly conscientious. • Able to concentrate deeply. (But we do best without distractions.) • Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed, and the detection of minor differences. • Able to process material to deeper levels of what psychologists call “semantic memory.” • Often thinking about our own thinking. • Able to learn without being aware we have learned. • Deeply affected by other people’s moods and emotions. Of course, there are many exceptions, especially to our being conscientious. And we don’t want to be self-righteous about this; plenty of harm can be done in the name of trying to do good.

FACT 2: People differ considerably in how much their nervous system is aroused in the same situation, under the same stimulation.

FACT 1: Everyone, HSP or not, feels best when neither too bored nor too aroused.

D is for depth of processing. Our fundamental characteristic is that we observe and reflect before we act. We process everything more than others do, whether we are conscious of it or not. O is for being easily over-stimulated; if you are going to pay more attention to everything, you are bound to tire sooner. E is for giving emphasis to our emotional reactions and having strong empathy, which among other things motivates us to notice and learn. S is for being sensitive to all the subtleties around us.