Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps

Be the kind of friend that you want to have. This is what it all boils down to. Listen when they bitch. Tell them they'll be okay. Go over and check in on their cat when they're on vacation. Call them on their birthday, or better yet bake a cake in the shape of their initial. Keep their secrets. Treat them like what they are--the rare person in this world who gives a fuck about you not because they have to, but because they want to. Give a fuck about them.

Intentions are nice, but ultimately intentions don't really matter because they only exist inside you.

Your parents, presumably, love you very much and think you are perhaps the most adorable, talented thing ever to prance upon this earth. Your friends agree with them, as do your favorite teachers, as does your significant other. When there is a You Parade, these people will be the flag bearers, the drum majors and majorettes, so make sure you are always flag bearing and drum majoring for them, too. These people who think so highly of us are very special and precious, and we must treasure them. Because here is the truth: Most of the world doesn’t give a flying fuck about you.

One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it's a finite resource, constantly in danger of extinction, that must be carefully tracked and monitored, like pandas?

A slightly modified version of the Serenity Prayer: Lord, grant me the serenity to ignore the assholes I cannot avoid; The luck to avoid the ones I can; And the self-awareness not to be one myself

Meaning to send a thank-you note but then not doing it is exactly the same as never thinking to send one -- that person is still receiving zero thank you notes.

Step 6: Stop enjoying things ironically. Just enjoy them Know what? I love Britney Spears and Forever 21. And I could pretend like it’s this whole meta thing where I’m not actually enjoying it but rather just making this esoteric statement on lowbrow culture, but (insert handjob motion here). The truth is that I love trashy dance pop and the garments that are its clothing equivalent. You don’t need to make your tastes a self-conscious statement about who you are. Just unapologetically like the things you like.

You're a grown-up, and you get to decide what behaviors affect you for five minutes versus what behaviors change you as a person.

If we were all our most real and raw selves every moment of the day things would be just awful. The world would be full of man-size toddlers.

A big part of being a well-adjusted person is accepting that you can’t be good at everything.

People will come to care about you, but only if you give them a valid reason. Don’t assume they’ll give you love like your parents, emotional support like your best friend, and cheerful feedback like a soccer coach for seven-year-olds. Because they won’t, unless you give them good reason to. And even then, they still probably won’t.

It's not as though the world hates you- it just has no idea who you are

Remember that, for better or for worse, you are in control of your physical self and surroundings

This is the most difficult and important thing to accept if you wish to be a grown-up: You are not a Special Snowflake.

remember that there was at least one person who thought Einstein was a colossal dick.

Some people have blond hair. Some people are really good at baseball. Some people find nothing more pleasurable than organizing a drawer full of buttons. Some people are assholes. This is the human spectrum.

Here is what I’m trying to tell you: Adult isn’t a noun, it’s a verb. It’s the act of making correctly those small decisions that fill our day.

You don’t need to make your tastes a self-conscious statement about who you are. Just unapologetically like the things you like.

Jellyfish do not respond to reason, they usually don’t respond to kindness, and they will always show up to ruin a fun party if possible.

Pay attention to natural consequences, then learn to anticipate them

Because here is the truth: Most of the world doesn’t give a flying fuck about you.

Like heartbreak, these unpredictable crises are not something you should live in fear of. Perpetual fear won't protect you. Fear is not a citronella candle; scary life happenings are not mosquitoes. They happen in ways we can't predict, control or understand. The only guaranteed outcome of feeling scared all the time is that you will feel scared all the time.

Whether someone is short or tall or originally from Canada or gay or Asian or born to rich parents or redheaded or whatever—that’s not something they chose or cultivated in themselves, and it’s not something they work for. What makes someone good and valuable is not these traits. It’s the choices they make and the things they do.

Step 45: Do not keep things in your house that make you feel sad or bad

When you begin at the beginning, any progress you make is yours.

You are already way more of an adult than you think you are. Truly. Be good, be decent, be responsible, be kind. And don’t forget to send thank-you notes.

If you wouldn’t show or tell your mom, boss, and ex-boyfriend, then don’t put it on Facebook.

Wise random strangers at bars are modern-day Oracles of Delphi, except drunk and sometimes leaving abruptly when it's their turn for karaoke.