A Man's Place

What if, at some level above or below his own perception, he does actually desire her? He doesn't even really know what desire is supposed to feel like. Any time he has had sex in real life, he has found it so stressful as to be largely unpleasant, leading him to suspect that there's something wrong with him, that he's unable to intimate with women, that he's somehow developmentally impaired.

Puisque la maîtresse me "reprenait", plus tard j'ai voulu reprendre mon père, lui annoncer que "se parterrer" ou "quart moins d'onze heures" n'existaient pas. Il est entré dans une violente colère. Une autre fois : "Comment voulez-vous que je ne me fasse pas reprendre, si vous parlez mal tout le temps!" Je pleurais. Il était malheureux. Tout ce qui touche au langage est dans mon souvenir motif de rancœur et de chicanes douloureuses, bien plus que l'argent.

Now it is imperative that I unravel these memories, all the more so since I have long suppressed them, believing them to be of no consequence. If they have survived, it is through sheer humiliation. I surrendered to the will of the world in which I live, where memories of a lowly existence are seen as a sign of bad taste.

Sadece arzu etmek için arzu etmek, çünkü neyin güzel olduğunu, neyi sevmek gerektiğini aslında bilmemek. Renk ve biçim seçiminde, neyin gittiği konusunda babam kendini hep boyacının ya da marangozun tavsiyelerine teslim etti. İnsanın tek tek seçilen nesnelerle etrafını dayayıp döşeyebileceği fikrinden bihaber olmak.

Because everything here was just like it used to be when I was a child, I couldn't possibly imagine that my father was seriously ill.

In school, when we couldn't understand sums, they called us the "war children".

It was in other people that I searched for the figure of my father, in the way they would call their children, sit down and looked bored in waiting rooms and wave goodbye on station platforms.

Aqueles que admiravam as nossas coisas velhas, a bomba d’água no pátio, as casas normandas com viga de madeira aparente, certamente queriam nos impedir de ter o que eles já tinham, eles que eram tão modernos, com água na torneira e uma casa branca.

Une autre fois, sa stupéfaction a été sans bornes, de me voir parler anglais avec un auto-stoppeur qu'un client avait pris dans son camion. Que j'aie appris une langue étrangère en classe, sans aller dans le pays, le laissait incrédule.

Devant la famille, les clients, de la gêne, presque de la honte que je ne gagne pas encore ma vie à dix-sept ans, autour de nous toutes les filles de cet âge allaient au bureau, à l'usine ou servaient derrière le comptoir de leurs parents. Il craignait qu'on ne me prenne pour une paresseuse et lui pour un crâneur. Comme une excuse : « On ne l'a jamais poussée, elle avait ça dans elle. » Il disait que j'apprenais bien, jamais que je travaillais bien. Travailler, c'était seulement travailler de ses mains.