Don’t Tell Mummy: A True Story of the Ultimate Betrayal

A terrible sadness threatened to overwhelm me as I wondered how two people capable of such love for each other had eventually felt so little for the child they had produced between them.

So at twelve, I discovered that alcohol could dull pain and saw it as a friend. It was only in later years I realized that a friendship with a bottle can overnight turn into a relationship with the enemy.

I remember the pain I felt, and wonder why a man who was such an accomplished liar had to tell the truth that day.

The smile on his lips was always the smile of the nice father, but in his eyes I could see the nasty one, the one invisible to everyone else, the one that lived inside his head.

O segredo que não contei a meu pai foi o segredo que escondi a mim mesma. Minha mãe sabia. O único medo que ele tinha era que ela descobrisse. Assim, esse foi o dia em que nosso jogo começou.

We were young, she continued, while she had a bad heart. Did we not want to earn our tips, she asked us and, cowed, we refrained from introducing the subject again. Her bad heart, I noticed, did not force her to abstain from smoking, or from eating large portions of puddings. Every time I heard her opening how she could not carry anything heavy, I thought sourly "except yourself".

Don’t tell Mummy,' he said, giving me a slight shake. 'This is our secret, Antoinette, do you hear me?

Why, Tony, why didn't you ever let me grow up?

Sem ser capaz de fugir das lembranças, senti o passado me puxar de volta e me senti oscilar no limite da sanidade, limite no qual eu já vacilara duas vezes. Senti mais uma vez a tentação de atravessá-lo, pois o outro lado era seguro. Trata-se de uma segurança em que toda responsabilidade por nossa vida é abandonada, e nós, feito crianças, deixamos que os outros se responsabilizem. Assim, como um feto, podemos permanecer imóveis, deixando os dias passarem até que a mente fique vazia e livre dos pesadelos para sempre.

Antoinette, tu vas sûrement trouver que la vie est injuste, comme tu as déjà pu t'en rendre compte. Les gens vont t'accuser, ils l'ont d'ailleurs déjà fait. Mais écoute-moi bien. J'ai lu les rapports de police. J'ai vu ton dossier médical. Je sais exactement ce que tu as subi, et je t'assure que rien de tout cela n'est de ta faute. Tu n'as pas à avoir honte.

O laço palpável entre eles era uma força com energia própria, que minava a minha.