The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.

Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.

Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you.

The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. If you can accommodate each other’s “crazy” side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.

Women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.

Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together.

But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.

In the midst of a bitter dispute, the husband or wife picks up a ringing telephone and is suddenly all smiles: “Oh, hi. Yes, it would be great to have lunch. No problem, Tuesday would be fine. Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you didn’t get the job. You must feel so disappointed,” and so on.

most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.

Working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club

Active listening asks couples to perform Olympic-level emotional gymnastics even if their relationship can barely walk.

To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life.

The problem is that therapy that focuses solely on active listening and conflict resolution doesn’t work. A Munich-based marital therapy study conducted by Kurt Hahlweg and associates found that even after employing active-listening techniques the typical couple was still distressed. Those few couples who did benefit relapsed within a year.

I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.

Muchas parejas pierden el rumbo al tener un hijo si no cuentan con un detallado mapa de amor. Cualquier cambio drástico (un traslado en el trabajo, una enfermedad, la jubilación, etc.) puede obrar el mismo efecto. De hecho, el simple paso del tiempo puede afectar a la pareja de un modo similar. Cuanto más comprendas y conozcas a tu pareja, más fácil os resultará seguir conectados mientras la vida gira a vuestro alrededor.

In the Broadway play In Defense of the Cave Man, a man says that when he was first married, he saw his wife cleaning the bathroom and asked her, “Are we moving?” In his bachelor days that was the only time he and his roommates bothered to clean the bathroom.

Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.

Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.

At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out. Take the case of hardworking Nathaniel, who is employed by an import business and works very long hours. In another marriage, his schedule might be a major liability. But he and his wife, Olivia, have found ways to stay connected. They talk or text frequently throughout the day. When she has a doctor’s appointment, he remembers to call to see how it went. When he has a meeting with an important client, she’ll check in to see how it fared. When they have chicken for dinner, she gives him drumsticks because she knows he likes them best. When he makes blueberry pancakes for the kids on Saturday morning, he’ll leave the blueberries out of hers because he knows she doesn’t like them. Although he’s not religious, he accompanies her to church each Sunday because it’s important to her. And although she’s not crazy about spending a lot of time with their relatives, she has pursued a friendship with Nathaniel’s mother and sisters because family matters so much to him.

Por ejemplo, muchos estudios sobre felicidad matrimonial se realizaban simplemente sometiendo a los cónyuges a diversos cuestionarios. Esto se conoce como el método del autoinforme y, aunque tiene su utilidad, es bastante limitado. ¿Cómo sabemos si una esposa es feliz simplemente porque marca la casilla de «felicidad» en el cuestionario? Las mujeres sometidas en su relación a abusos físicos suelen obtener una calificación muy alta en los cuestionarios sobre satisfacción matrimonial. Sólo cuando una mujer se siente segura y es entrevistada a solas, revela sus sufrimientos. Para remediar estas lagunas en la investigación, mis colegas y yo hemos mejorado los métodos tradicionales estudiando el matrimonio con otros métodos más innovadores y exhaustivos. Actualmente seguimos a setecientas parejas en siete estudios distintos. No sólo observamos a recién casados, sino también parejas más veteranas, con cónyuges de cuarenta a sesenta años de edad. También hemos estudiado matrimonios que acaban de tener su primer hijo, y parejas interactuando con hijos recién nacidos, en edad preescolar o adolescentes. Como parte de esta investigación he entrevistado a parejas sobre la historia de su matrimonio, su filosofía sobre el matrimonio, sus puntos de vista sobre el matrimonio de sus padres. Las he filmado mientras hablaban sobre cómo habían pasado el día, sobre las áreas de continuo desacuerdo en su relación o sobre temas más alegres. Y para obtener una lectura psicológica de su estado de tensión o de relajación, he medido su ritmo cardíaco, su presión sanguínea, su sudoración o la función inmunológica. En todos los casos he permitido que la pareja viera las cintas de vídeo para que expresaran su propio punto de vista sobre lo que pensaban o sentían al ver, por ejemplo, que su ritmo cardíaco o su presión sanguínea subía bruscamente durante una discusión matrimonial. Y he mantenido el contacto con las parejas, estudiándolas al menos una vez al año para ver cómo seguía su relación. De momento mis colegas y yo somos los únicos investigadores que realizamos esta observación y análisis exhaustivo de las parejas casadas. Nuestros datos ofrecen la primera visión real del funcionamiento interno, de la anatomía de un matrimonio. Los resultados de estos estudios, y no mis opiniones, forman la base de mis siete principios para el buen funcionamiento del matrimonio.

Most couples are neither as stuck in distrust as Matt and Tina nor as masterful at living together as Dennis and Jackie. The majority of long-term relationships fall somewhere between these two extremes. That’s good news because it means partners don’t have to achieve a perfect relationship to succeed at love. The key is learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority. As the Seven Principles guide you in moving toward these goals, you’re likely to notice an improvement in the quality of your day-to-day interactions. While you may still disagree, your conflicts will become far less destructive. There’s a specific reason why this occurs, and it is one of the most important of the Love Lab’s findings. Repairs: A Happy Couple’s Secret Weapon Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them

In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, “Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically.

What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs. When addressing a partner’s request, their motto tends to be a helpful “Yes, and …” rather than “Yes, but …” This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to

These missions come down to attaining a rich understanding between partners that will allow both of them to feel safe and secure in the relationship. When these tasks are not accomplished, the marriage doesn’t feel like a port in the storm of life. It feels like just another storm.

remember that the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage—accepting influence. This means that for a compromise to work, you can’t have a closed mind to your spouse’s opinions and desires.

Unlike cherishing, which nurtures gratitude for what you have, “if only” nurtures resentment for what you don’t have. As long as this attitude prevails, conflicts will be very difficult to resolve.

Negotiation is possible only after you’ve followed the steps above—softening start-up, repairing your discussion, and keeping calm. Together, these will create a positive atmosphere. Remember: Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other.

Because repair attempts can be difficult to hear if your relationship is engulfed in negativity, the best strategy under such circumstances is to make your attempts obviously formal in order to emphasize them.