The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage

Grace is when you aren’t striving or controlling or trying to change or manipulate or make something happen. Grace is when you find yourself carried along, when all that’s left to do is receive. Grace is when you know you’re loved, exactly as you are. Grace is an entirely different way of experiencing life. Another word for grace is gift.

People aren’t static; they’re dynamic—endlessly complex and capable of tremendous surprise and change.

In those moments when the two of you see things differently, you can hold on to your view, defending it and protecting it and arguing for its superiority, or you can allow your perspective to be broadened, enriched, expanded, and deepened.

When you’re fighting, it’s absolutely crucial to keep remembering that they’re trying to figure it out just like you are.

Your marriage will only be as healthy as the least healthy one of you.

When in doubt, assume that they’re seeing something that you aren’t.

When you get married you’re starting a conversation that never ends,

Great marriages have an ease about them, a back-and-forth nonreactive, nondefensive, open, and ongoing flow in which you never stop talking and figuring it out together.

When you create space for another to thrive, it always unleashes new energies.

I am for you. I've got your back. I am committed to your best. Help me understand things from your perspective. What can we do together to change things?

The scorecard is rooted in resentment, and the space between you is highly responsive to resentment. The scorecard is lethal because its rooted in fear - fear that we're on our own, that we're not going to be taken care of, that we're not going to get what we need...In order to get rid of scorecard, you have to choose to act in love instead of fear. To get rid of your scorecard, someone has to move toward the other first.

It’s one thing to be in love; it’s another to act because of love. Love is a noun—a feeling you have—and it’s also a verb, something you do.

Boundaries and budgets and clarity and transparency free you from tension, revealing how much money there actually is and how much you can spend

when you get married, you get another set of eyes. If you aren't careful, this other set of eyes that sees the world differently can become a constant source of tension and conflict - with each of you endlessly trying to get the other to see everything like you do and win them over to your view

past wounds,bitterness that's gone unchecked, things you haven't brought up because of shame or fear over how they'll react or insecurity because you just want them to think the best of you- you know there's an issue behind the issue when your reaction is way out of proportion to whatever it is you're fighting about

When you are both intentional about moving toward the other in love, over time you build up tremendous reserves of love and grace and goodwill. Love - with spark and substance and sacrifice all together - is a cumulative phenomenon. It builds on itself, it gains a head of steam, it grows in depth and breadth and intensity. This propels you into an entirely different way of relating to each other - another kind of life altogether.

Even the slightest tremors of bitterness can block the flow of love.