Franklin Veaux · 496 pages
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“Almost always, jealousy is rooted in some sort of fear: of abandonment, of being replaced, of losing the attention of someone you love, of being alone. Jealousy isn't really about the person you feel jealous of. It's about you: your feeling that you might lose something precious.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“You'll need courage because polyamorous relationships can be scary. Loving other people without a script is scary. Allowing the people you love to make their own choices without controlling them is scary. The kind of courage we're talking about involves being willing to let go of guarantees - and love and trust your partners anyway.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Polyamory can feel threatening because it upsets our fairy-tale assumption that the right partner will keep us safe from change. Polyamory introduces the prospect of chaos and uncertainty into what's supposed to be a straightforward progression to bliss. But a healthy relationship must first of all be resilient, able to respond to the changes and complexity life brings. Nor is happiness actually a state of being. It is a process, a side effect of doing other things. The fairy tale tells us that with the right partner, happiness just happens. But happiness is something we re-create every day. And it comes more from our outlook than from the things around us.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Things will go wrong. You and your partners will make mistakes. People will get hurt. To paraphrase Voltaire, we are all born of frailty and error. What happens afterward depends on how capable we are to forgive one another for our errors, handle the consequences with grace and dignity, and learn from our mistakes.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“So we have two choices: embrace and love what we have and feel joy as deeply and fully as we can, and eventually lose everything—or shield ourselves, be miserable…and eventually lose everything.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Many conflict-resolution professionals stress the value of curiosity, accompanied by active listening. Many conflicts can be avoided or de-escalated if the parties involved are willing to set aside their prejudgments—and the intense feelings connected to them—and ask a question. And then be curious about the actual answer. Not just any question, though. The question should be genuine and open-ended, a serious request for more information about another person's feelings, intentions or motivations. It should not be a choice between predefined alternatives, or an accusation followed by a demand for a response. It should be, as much as possible, unburdened from what you think will be the answer. That means being curious about what it really is.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Be flexible. Be compassionate. Rules can never cure insecurity. Integrity matters. Never try to script what your relationships will look like. Love is abundant. Compatibility matters. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for that of another. Own your own shit. Admit when you fuck up. Forgive when others fuck up. Don't try to find people to stuff into the empty spaces in your life; instead, make spaces for the people in your life. If you need a relationship to complete you, get a dog. It is almost impossible to be loving or compassionate when all you feel is fear of loss. Trust that your partners want to be with you, and that if given the freedom to do anything they please, they will choose to cherish and support you. Most relationship problems can be avoided by good partner selection. Nobody can give you security or self-esteem; you have to build that yourself.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“It's possible to be single and poly. It's possible to have only one partner and be poly. If your intention is to remain open to the possibility of multiple romantic relationships, you are polyamorous regardless of your current relationship status. Indeed, if polyamory is part of your identity (for some people, it is; for others, it isn't), you might be in a monogamous relationship and still be poly.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Practicing security means continually turning towards the best version of yourself.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Having a brilliant life means going outside your comfort zone. And sometimes discomfort shows us ways we can improve.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“In monogamy, a romantic partner and a sexual partner are, almost by definition, the same person. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are so tightly entwined that some self-help books speak of "emotional infidelity" and encourage married couples not to permit each other to become too close to their friends. Advice columnists and television personalities will speak gravely of the dangers that "emotional affairs" pose to a monogamous marriage and ask, "Is emotional infidelity worse than sexual infidelity?" Monogamy can leave surprisingly little room for close friendships, much less nonsexual romances.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“The difference between "boundaries we set for ourselves" and "rules we place on someone else" might just seem like one of semantics, but it is profound. Rules tend to come from the idea that it's acceptable, or even desirable, for you to control someone else's behavior, or for someone else to control yours. Boundaries derive from the idea that the only person you really control is yourself.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“The key with boundaries is that you always set them around those things that are yours: your body, your mind, your emotions, your time, intimacy with you. You always have a right to regulate access to what is yours. But by the time the boundaries of your self have become blurred with those of your partner, setting boundaries and defining your self feels like taking something away from her that she had come to regard as hers.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“is critical for that relationship to be consensual. You must give your partner the opportunity to make an informed decision to be in a relationship with you. If you lie or withhold critical information, you remove your partner's ability to consent to be in the relationship.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“STARTING THE JOURNEY The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“The most immediate is that if you tell your partner "It's okay to ask for anything you want," it better be true. If you're not prepared to make it safe for your partner to open up to you, he won't. Because he'll feel he can't.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“We know we're expecting a great deal of courage by suggesting that you start exploring polyamory without relying on rules to feel safe. It does seem that the secret to healthy, dynamic relationships keeps coming back to courage. Forget training wheels. Forget trying to figure the right rules that will keep you safe forever ; there is no safe forever. Instead, go into the world seeking to threat others with compassion whenever you touch them. Try to leave people better than when you found them. Communicate your needs. Understand and advocate for you boundaries. And look for other people who will do the same. Trust them when they say they love you; where communication and compassion exist, you don't need rules to keep you safe. We don't learn how to be compassionate by disenfranchising other people; we learn how to be compassionate by practicing compassion.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“If you need a relationship to complete you, get a dog.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Forget trying to figure out the right rules that will keep you safe forever; there is no safe forever. Instead, go into the world seeking to treat others with compassion whenever you touch them. Try to leave people better than when you found them. Communicate your needs. Understand and advocate for your boundaries. And look for other people who will do the same. Trust them when they say they love you; where communication and compassion exist, you don't need rules to keep you safe. We don't learn how to be compassionate by disenfranchising other people; we learn how to be compassionate by practicing compassion. Limited-duration”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Above all else, trust that you don't have to control your partner, because your partner, given the freedom to do anything, will want to cherish and support you. And always, always move in the direction of greatest courage, toward the best possible version of yourself. Strong,”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Jealous feelings come from a sense of loss, or a fear of it.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“We propose a different metric for the success of a relationship. Relationships that make us the best versions of ourselves are successes.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“In the book Daring Greatly, shame researcher Brené Brown introduces the idea of "minding the gap." She's talking about the values gap: the space between who we are now and who we want to be. Minding the gap is part of walking toward the horizon we talked about in the previous chapter. There will always be times when we are imperfect, when we fall short of the best possible versions of ourselves. Minding the gap is being aware of where we are now and striving to move in the direction we want to go. That's part of living with integrity.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“In what ways am I empowered in my relationships? What things help me to feel empowered?”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“love itself is malleable and ever-changing. Its intensity and nature varies, and this influences its flow, its mutable forms. Monogamy tells us that successful, "real" relationships all look about the same. Relationships that last a long time are called successes, without regard to misery, and those that”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“If the idea of dating someone doesn't prompt an enthusiastic "Fuck yes!" then the answer is no. Ambivalence has little place in romance.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“Expectations are often invisible unless we specifically look for them.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“What boundaries can you set to protect your actual needs? How important is your own autonomy? Are you communicating your boundaries and needs?”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“There's nothing wrong with asking your partner to take time to show you why you're valued.”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“The agreements that work most consistently are those that are rooted in compassion, encourage mutual respect and empowerment, leave it to our partners' judgment how to implement them, and have input from—and apply equally to—everyone affected by them. T”
― Franklin Veaux, quote from More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
“...pain reaches a certain point and does not get worse but remains in all its intensity and you can survive it.”
― Robert Cormier, quote from Tenderness
“What are you supposed to do with all the love you have for somebody if that person is no longer there? What happens to all that leftover love? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Are you supposed to give it to someone else?”
― Maggie O'Farrell, quote from After You'd Gone
“Eilis imagined the years ahead, when these words would come to mean less and less to the man who heard them and would come to mean more and more to herself. She almost smiled at the thought of it, then closed her eyes and tried to imagine nothing more.”
― Colm Tóibín, quote from Brooklyn
“We don’t treat each other very well, I suppose. Even from the start. It was as though we had the seven-year itch the day we met. The day she went into a coma, I heard her telling her friend Shelley that I was useless, that I leave my socks hanging on every doorknob in the house. At weddings we roll our eyes at the burgeoning love around us, the vows that we know will morph into new kinds of promises: I vow not to kiss you when you’re trying to read. I will tolerate you in sickness and ignore you in health. I promise to let you watch that stupid news show about celebrities, since you’re so disenchanted with your own life.
Joanie and I were urged by her brother, Barry, to subject ourselves to counseling as a decent couple would. Barry is a man of the couch, a believer in weekly therapy, affirmations, and pulse points. Once he tried to show us exercises he’d been doing in session with his girlfriend. We were instructed to trade reasons, abstract or specific, why we stayed with each other. I started off by saying that Joanie would get drunk and pretend I was someone else and do this neat thing with her tongue. Joanie said tax breaks. Barry cried. Openly. His second wife had recently left him for someone who understood that a man didn’t do volunteer work.”
― Kaui Hart Hemmings, quote from The Descendants
“He winced when he stood--lumbago, he explained, from turning one too many sentences arounder that day--and said that he still his evening's reading. He did not do justice to a writer unless he read him on consecutive days and for no less than three hours at a sitting. Otherwise, despite his note taking and underlining, he lost touch with a book's inner life and might as well not have begun. Sometimes, when he unavoidably had to miss a day, he would go back and begin all over again, rather than be nagged by his sense that he was wronginger a serious author.”
― Philip Roth, quote from The Ghost Writer
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