The Fran Lebowitz Reader

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive – you are leaking.

That I am totally devoid of sympathy for, or interest in, the world of groups is directly attributable to the fact that my two greatest needs and desires — smoking cigarettes and plotting revenge — are basically solitary pursuits.

Think before you speak, read before you think.

Perhaps the least cheering statement ever made on the subject of art is that life imitates it.

If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?

I am not the type of person who wants to go back to the land I am the type who wants to got back to the hotel.

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Presently it appears that people are mainly concerned with being well rested. Those capable of uninterrupted sleep are much admired. Unconsciousness is in great demand. This is the day of the milligram. The rigors of learning how to do long division have been a traditional part of childhood, just like learning to smoke. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the two go hand in hand. Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.

The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.

Sarcasm: what they have in New York instead of jacuzzis.

Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one’s home.

But alas, I do not rule the world and that, I am afraid, is the story of my life—always a godmother, never a God.

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong silent type.

I am not a callous sort. I believe that all people should have warm clothing, sufficient food, and adequate shelter. I do feel, however, that unless they are willing to behave in an acceptable manner they should bundle up, chow down, and stay home.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

First of all, nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

I open the refrigerator. I decide against the half a lemon and jar of Gulden’s mustard and on the spur of the moment choose instead to have breakfast out. I guess that’s just the kind of girl I am—whimsical. 5:10

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn’t make up yourself—a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.