The Confidence Gap

TEN RULES FOR WINNING THE GAME OF CONFIDENCE The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later. Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear. Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem. True success is living by your values. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously. Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it. Failure hurts—but if we’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher. The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.

Rule 1: The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.

Fear is not your enemy. It is a powerful source of energy that can be harnessed and used for your benefit.

What holds you back is not fear, but your attitude towards it. The tighter you hold on to the attitude that fear is something ‘bad’ and you can’t do the things you want until it goes away, the more stuck you will be.

Rule 2: Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.

The world is full of people who are trying to purchase self-confidence, or manufacture it, or who simply posture it. But you can’t fake confidence, you have to earn it. If you ask me, the only way to do that is work. You have to do the work.

Acknowledge and appreciate these efforts, and give yourself a pat on the back for what you did right. This is absolutely essential for self-encouragement. It’s not enough to merely unhook from all our harsh criticisms and self-judgments; we need to actively appreciate our efforts, especially when we fail to achieve our goals. Each time we do this, we are learning how to be an effective coach. Ineffective coaches focus only on what went wrong, and do so in a harsh, judgmental manner. Effective coaches first acknowledge and appreciate what went right—and then, in a respectful, nonjudgmental manner, they acknowledge what went wrong and turn it into a useful learning experience.

How would you behave differently? How would you walk and talk differently? How would you play, work, and perform differently? How would you treat others differently: your friends, relatives, partner, parents, children, and work colleagues? How would you treat yourself differently? How would you treat your body? How would you talk to yourself? How would your character change? What sorts of things would you start doing? What would you stop doing? What goals would you set and work toward? What difference would your newfound confidence make in your closest relationships, and how would you behave differently around those people? What difference would your newfound confidence help you to make in the world?

There are three key mindfulness skills that will play a major role in your journey to genuine confidence. These are known as defusion, expansion, and engagement.

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

If you can take effective action, do so. If you can't, then make room for your discomfort, de-fuse from your worries, and engage in doing something meaningful, here, and now.