Sh*t My Dad Says

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

On Lego's "Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.

Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.

Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon

You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day...I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.

Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..

There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.

You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.

You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.

My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing." "You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me. "I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said. "Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties." "It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted. "Go get that fucking TV.

On Sharing “I’m sorry, but if your brother doesn’t want you to play with his shit, then you can’t play with it. It’s his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that’s his right. You always have the right to be an asshole—you just shouldn’t use that right very often.

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.

On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate “Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.

On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats “Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.