I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Ladies, let me give you some advice. You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self-help, why-doesn't-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people.. if you demand respect, he will either respect you or he won't associate with you. It really is that simple.

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER!

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)

She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn’t very good with my dick in her mouth.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.

Ladies let me give you some advice: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as “deserving” respect; you get what you demand from people,

I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor

FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.

Girl3 "You don't have to be a jerk" SlingBlade "Quite the contrary, my sloppy penile scholar.Order me another drink and be quick about it.

she was quite promiscuous, to the point where dating her was similar to the experience of sitting on a warm toilet seat:

SlingBlade: “If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.

Did you hear the nonsensical prattle spewing from her pie-hole?

I bought a liter of Everclear, a quart of Gatorade, and a can of Red Bull, and poured all of it into my CamelBak. I come prepared. We arrive at the lacrosse house, and I begin sucking back the Everclear/Gatorade/Red Bull mixture, which I will hereafter refer to as “Tucker Death Mix.” It tasted like ghetto romance. It was awesome.

porn stars are only objects for our sexual gratification, not real people.

If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.

Let’s just say that it did not end well. Things were thrown, curses hurled, none of the three ever came over again, and I had to recruit a whole new stable of booty calls. Maybe a better man than me could have turned that night into something out of Penthouse Letters, but all I did was end up with my dick in my hand and a mess in my apartment.