Quotes from Tell Me It's Real

“I don’t think this is working out between us,” I told him. “You and I want different things. It’s not me, it’s you.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Float like a butterfly, sting like a unicorn ;)”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“He was hard lines, chiseled flesh, bronzed skin. I was a marshmallow melting in a cup of cocoa.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Because sometimes it’s about letting go of what your mind tells you and following what your heart shows you instead. That’s how you know it will always be real.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“It was as if God himself saw that my intention was to make my outer self match my inner fabulosity and didn't think the world could handle such an explosion of amazingness. So instead of letting me get to the gym where I would have transformed myself into a walking sex god, he created a Dunkin' Donuts out of nothing and then gave them away for free. I didn't make it to the gym. I had a bear claw instead. And a maple bar. And some donut holes. And then some more donut holes.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“He snorted into his radicchio, which I admired because it was a pretty purple. The radicchio was purple, not his snort. Just in case you got confused there. I don't think it's possible for people to snort colors. We're not unicorns, after all.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“After all, one does not scream at lesbians in Doc Martens unless one wants to receive a penis kicking.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“That’s a federal crime,” I told him. “Punishable by three to five years in a minimum-security prison. You’ll get passed around like condiments at a barbeque.” “My hole is already quivering,” he said.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“You think I gave you crack?"

"Maybe."

Is there anything about me that screams crack?"

He grinned as he swayed. "Your butt crack," he whispered before dissolving into giggles.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Sometimes I wonder if you should be on medication," Charlie said. "It can't be healthy to have you thinking all by yourself without some kind of pharmaceutical intervention.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Ix-nay!" I hissed at him. "Ix-nay!" I didn't know why I resorted to Pig Latin right then. It just seemed like the thing to do.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“The ass to end all asses,” I said, unable to stop myself. “The Holy Grail of asses. If we lived in a world with fairies and elves, there would be epic quests to go get that ass. I wanted to bite it.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Eric’s ass is so loose it sounds like wind blowing over a cave entrance when he walks.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Okay, okay. So. First things first. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Second thing: I should probably say “thank you” for saving my life. Say it and then follow it up with something funny like… okay. Spinach joke. Spinach joke. Shit. Um… Oh, I know! What do anal sex and spinach have in common? If you’re forced to have either as a child, you won’t want it as an adult. Holy fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me? There is no way I can make a spinach/molesting joke! I am a monster. Think of something else. Think of anything else!”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“There’s too many other people in the world who want nothing more than to kick you when you’re down. Don’t you dare do that job for them.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“JUST so you know, I don’t have a gargantuan penis.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“I’m not effeminate. I’m just… animated.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“is Whitney? Is that your dealer?” “Whitney Houston,” Mom said. “You know, dear. She was that singer who sang that song you like that Helena performed.” “‘Hit Me Baby, One More Time?” “That’s Britney, dear.” “‘Dirty?” “That was Christina.” “Umbrella?” “And that was Rihanna. Larry, you’re embarrassing yourself. You have a gay son, for God’s sake. How can you not know your divas?” Mom sounded affronted. “Paul? Paul! If you can hear me, don’t listen to your father! He obviously doesn’t know his ass from his elbow!” “Language,” Dad scolded. “And I know my divas. I know them very well. What about that Woman Goo-Goo that Helena performs like?”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Way gay,” I reassured him. “Like, super gay. I fart and rainbows come out.” Oh, crap.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Standing near the wall, surrounded by what looked like a group of total fratty jockish dudes, was a man. A very fine man. He looked a few years younger than me, with brown hair that fell all over his head in an artfully messy way that looked like he might have just rolled out of bed, but you knew was done on purpose. He had thick, pretty lips that were made for sin, stretching into a delicious smile that showed even teeth. Dimples. Fuck me up, we have dimples! Deep, deep dimples that I wanted to put my tongue into. I blushed a fire red, but I didn’t stop my depraved up and down assessment.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“and every time I saw him in the hall, I couldn’t help but think, There goes Captain Hook,”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“Paul?” “Yeah?” “Don’t take this the wrong way.” I tried not to flinch. Here it comes. Vince sighed. “I think I’m going to fall in love with you.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“I was able to come home to my family that didn’t give a shit who I would grow up loving. I was able to have my dad teach me how to fight back, and not because he thought his son was a pansy, but because his son was a pansy who wanted to fight back. I was able to come home and sit on a chair while my mother kneeled before me, wiping the blood from a cut on my forehead where Donnie Craig’s fist had hit me. I got to see the anger in their eyes, but it was never directed toward me. It was directed at everyone who thought they could hurt me. It was directed at anyone who thought I was something less than what I was. My parents never made me feel like I was something I wasn’t. They never tried to change me or break me down. They”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“I briefly considered getting a cat, but then decided against it because I didn’t want to be one of those people. You know what I mean. My grandmother, Gigi (Mom’s mom), was one of them. She’d make tuna fish and then sit in her old chair, which smelled like Bengay and broken dreams, and chew it, then open her mouth and let her cat eat it right then and there. She said it was because Mrs. Tingles was too old to chew her own food and she wanted to give her a treat. I told her I was the only person in the world who had a grandmother who made out with her cat and smelled like fish while doing so. My grandmother wondered aloud if that made her a lesbian.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“I bet there’s like an Easter egg on one of the DVDs,” Sandy said, taking a drink of his tea. “A deleted scene that shows Eeyore jerking off to a photo of Pooh fucking Piglet while hanging himself with his tail in the closet.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

“With him, I don’t have to worry about all the other bullshit that’s going on. I don’t have to wonder why I’m not smart enough, or why I’m not good enough. Paul doesn’t care about that stuff. I’m not smart, Matty. I know that. I say dumb stuff sometimes, and most of the time, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t even understand what Paul says half the time, but it doesn’t matter to me because it doesn’t matter to him. I think he likes me just the way I am, and I’ve never had that before. Not really. I don’t have to be anyone else but myself with Paul, and I think that’s okay with him.”
― T.J. Klune, quote from Tell Me It's Real

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