Quotes from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free world. And I can't find a clear definition of that, can you? Where is that? Russia? China? For chrissakes, Russia has a better Mafia than we do now, and China is pirating Lion King DVDs and selling dildos on the Internet. They sound pretty free to me. Here are some more jingoistic variations you need to be on the lookout for; "The greatest nation on Earth; the greatest nation in the history of the world"; and "the most powerful nation on the face of the Earth." That last one is usually thrown in just before we bomb a bunch of brown people. Which is every couple of years.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people's language with strict codes and rigid rules. I'm not sure that's the way to fight discrimination. I'm not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."
Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It’s nature’s supreme joke.
Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to fuck things up.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we're talkin' homemade.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“If you had yourself cloned, who exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you'd be driving yourself to school.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“If I had been in charge of reorganizing the government’s security agencies into a homeland defense organization, I would have divided the responsibilities into two agencies: The Bureau of What the Fuck Was That? and The Department of What the Fuck Are We Gonna Do Now?”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I'm tired of people using their cars as biographical information centers, informing the world of their sad-sack lives and boring interests. Keep that shit to yourself. I don't want to know what college you went to, who you intend to vote for or what your plan is for world peace. I don't care if you visited the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore or the birthplace of Wink Martindale. And I'm not interested in what radio station you listen to or what bands you like. In fact, I'm not interested in you in any way, except to see you in my rearview mirror.

Furthermore, I can do without your profession of faith in God, Allah, Jehova, Yahweh, Peter Cottonail or whoever the fuck it is you've turned your life over to; please keep your superstitions private. I can't tell how happy it would make me to someday drive up to a flaming auto wreck and see smoke curling up around one of those little fish symbols with Jesus written inside it. And as far as I'm concerned you can include the Darwin/fish-with-feet-evolution symbol too. Far too cute for my taste.

So keep the personal and autobiographical messages to yourself. Here's an idea: maybe you could paste them up inside your car, where you can see them and I can't.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Whatever happened to “In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance.” So said Frederick the Great.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I find it discouraging—and a bit depressing—when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky. Especially as the latter belief applies to the whole Jesus-Messiah-Son-of-God fable.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.”
― George Carlin, quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

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“Deny everything and you will easily pass for a man of ability; it's a well known trick. Simple hearted people are quite ready to conclude that you are worth more than what you deny. And that's often an error. In the first place, you can pick holes in anything; and secondly, even if you are right in what you say, it's the worse for you, your intellect, directed by simple negation, grows colorless and withers up. While you gratify your vanity, you are deprived of the true consolations of thought;life--the essence of life--evades your jaundiced and petty criticism, and you end by scolding and becoming ridiculous. Only one who loves has the right to censure and find fault.”
― Ivan Turgenev, quote from Rudin

“In the very midst of this panic came the news that the steamer Central America, formerly the George Law, with six hundred passengers and about sixteen hundred thousand dollars of treasure, coming from Aspinwall, had foundered at sea, off the coast of Georgia, and that about sixty of the passengers had been providentially picked up by a Swedish bark, and brought into Savannah. The absolute loss of this treasure went to swell the confusion and panic of the day. A few days after, I was standing in the vestibule of the Metropolitan Hotel, and heard the captain of the Swedish bark tell his singular story of the rescue of these passengers. He was a short, sailor-like-looking man, with a strong German or Swedish accent. He said that he was sailing from some port in Honduras for Sweden, running down the Gulf Stream off Savannah. The weather had been heavy for some days, and, about nightfall, as he paced his deck, he observed a man-of-war hawk circle about his vessel, gradually lowering, until the bird was as it were aiming at him. He jerked out a belaying pin, struck at the bird, missed it, when the hawk again rose high in the air, and a second time began to descend, contract his circle, and make at him again. The second time he hit the bird, and struck it to the deck. . . . This strange fact made him uneasy, and he thought it betokened danger; he went to the binnacle, saw the course he was steering, and without any particular reason he ordered the steersman to alter the course one point to the east. After this it became quite dark, and he continued to promenade the deck, and had settled into a drowsy state, when as in a dream he thought he heard voices all round his ship. Waking up, he ran to the side of the ship, saw something struggling in the water, and heard clearly cries for help. Instantly heaving his ship to, and lowering all his boats, he managed to pick up sixty or more persons who were floating about on skylights, doors, spare, and whatever fragments remained of the Central America. Had he not changed the course of his vessel by reason of the mysterious conduct of that man-of-war hawk, not a soul would probably have survived the night.”
― William T. Sherman, quote from Memoirs of General W.T. Sherman

“There will always be dark characters, but her life is good; it is as she wishes it to be.”
― John O'Brien, quote from Leaving Las Vegas

“Because one good thing leads to another.”
― Kevin Alan Milne, quote from The One Good Thing

“You might wish to revisit your understanding of the word everything.” Gregory turned to his mother.
“Vocabulary and comprehension were never her strong suits.”
Violet rolled her eyes. “Every day I marvel that the two of you managed to reach adulthood.”
“Afraid we’d kill each other?” Gregory quipped.
“No, that I’d do the job myself.”
― Julia Quinn, quote from On the Way to the Wedding

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