Uganda Be Kidding Me

Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don’t get into fights with other people.

The saying that money doesn’t buy you happiness is true. But it sure as fuck helps.

There’s a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn’t mean you’re not classy, it just means you’re a free spirit with a small bladder.

And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you.

I had a therapist once tell me to “sit with my shit,” and I believe that to be a necessary evil of being constantly disappointed.

I just peed and forgot to take off my underwear.

If it comes easy...Take it twice

I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was a James Franco art exhibit.

Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian.

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...

Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, “You’ve offended so many people at this point. Don’t try to keep track now, girl.

We would parachute in like typical asshole Americans and be completely clueless about what kind of trip we were actually on, asking questions like, “When do we start shooting the animals? Where is the freshest sushi? When do we meet Aretha Franklin, and where are the squash courts?” I’d also insist on hunting live lobster and killing it with my handgun.

I believe people who shower twice a day are hiding a secret, or a sandwich.

If you are a drinker, always use a pseudonym when booking hotels. None of us really know what kind of mess we're going to leave behind, and there's no sense in getting banned from a resort you respect.

Kobe beef is not named after Kobe Bryant. Do not make this mistake.

Personally, I felt terrible for telling Truth my name was Schnitzeldoodle. I still think about it. Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, “You’ve offended so many people at this point. Don’t try to keep track now, girl.

You're going to catch pneumonia if you sit out here naked. Come in the hot tub," Gina instructed me. "I hate hot tubs, and everyone who knows me knows that. Secondly, I was already hot, so why would I get into a hot tub to get hotter? Do you want me to die?" "You're always hot," Gina said with a wave of her hand. "Why don't you take your temperature and find out if you have an actual fever?" "Thanks for your sympathy," I said. "I would love to take my temperature, but I don't carry a thermometer around in my ass. Do you?

I looked straight into the sky. There's a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn't mean you're not classy, it just means you're a free spirit with a small bladder.

Simone and my other sister, Shoshanna, had come out to visit me in Los Angeles two months prior with their five children. After two days of nonstop pool noise, I stared at the smaller children with deadness behind my eyes, looked at Shoshanna, and declared, “I just don’t get the upside of having kids.” She regaled me with her perspective: “Chelsea, sometimes I wake up and Russell [three years old] touches my face and says, ‘Mommy, you’re beautiful.’ ” I stared at her waiting for her to finish.

I wish Chunk was here to see this' 'If Chunk was here, he would be dead by now," Hannah declared. 'Who's Chuck?' Rex asked. As if I would name my dog Chuck. Sometimes I found Rex to be so stupid. 'It's Chunk, like chunky peanut butter. Chunk. He's my dog. He's amazing and he's dignified. He's got more dignity in one of his paws than Shakira does in her entire left hip.

I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.

It’s just hard to go from seeing elephants living their lives in the wild and not being bothered by humans, to seeing them put in a bunker every night and then being forced to take assholes like us on rides.