30+ quotes from Seduction and Snacks by Tara Sivec

Quotes from Seduction and Snacks

Tara Sivec ·  286 pages

Rating: (45.7K votes)


“And let’s face it people, no one is ever honest with you about child birth. Not even your mother.       “It’s a pain you forget all about once you have that sweet little baby in your arms.”     Bullshit.   I CALL BULLSHIT.   Any friend, cousin, or nosey-ass stranger in the grocery store that tells you it’s not that bad is a lying sack of shit.   Your vagina is roughly the size of the girth of a penis.   It has to stretch and open andturn into a giant bat cave so the life-sucking human you’ve been growing for nine months can angrily claw its way out.   Who in their right mind would do that willingly?   You’re just walking along one day and think to yourself, “You know, I think it’s time I turn my vagina into an Arby’s Beef and Cheddar (minus the cheddar) and saddle myself down for a minimum of eighteen years to someone who will suck the soul and the will to live right out of my body so I’m a shell of the person I used to be and can’t get laid even if I pay for it.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw,”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I'm a quirky, intelligent, dark haired chick!   Me, me, me, pick me!   And who the hell keeps whining and ruining my perfect moment?   I will cut a bitch.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they cut your wiener,” Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects.
“Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately” Carter muttered.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I had been out of the game for too long. I couldn’t even get drunk and flirt anymore. I could however, get drunk and look like a stroke victim.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I quickly tried to do the math but my brain was a jumbled mess and I couldn’t remember what number comes after potato!”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Pussy punch: when a twat tap just isn't enough”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Holy shit, did they just kill off that fish’s wife?” I blurted in shock.
“Yep,” Gavin replied. “That big, mean fish ated her.”
He said it so calmly – like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn’t be appropriate for kids. I didn’t think it was appropriate for me.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis’s voice like in Look Who’s Talking. “Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."

"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“All the baby books written by women who had the most perfect birth experience in the world said you should talk to your child in the womb. That was about the only piece of advice I took from those things. Every day I told him if he ruined my vagina I would video tape his birth and show all his future girlfriends what happened to your who-ha when you had sex, ensuring that he will never, ever get laid.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I remember that night fondly. And by fondly, I mean with bitter resentment toward all things alcoholic and with a penis.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I shouldn't be allowed to think when I'm drinking.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Who keeps putting alcohol in my alcohol?”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“In hind sight, telling him all strangers wanted to eat him wasn’t my finest hour. Having to explain to a bunch of crying children in line to see Santa why my kid was screaming ‘DON’T GO NEAR HIM! HE’LL EAT YOUR FINGERS!’ was no picnic.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me.

"You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“No one likes an ugly crier. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I was going to have to tell people I got fired from selling dildos. I can't even sell fake cocks to a room full or horny women. How do you come back from that shit?”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Right when my fingers started to slip inside my underwear, I opened my eyes and screamed.     "HOLY SHIT!"     My son stood there next to the bed just staring at me. Seriously, two inches from my face just staring at me like those creepy twins in "The Shining." I waited for him to start saying, "Come play with us" in their freaky twin voices while I tried not to have a heart attack.     "Gavin, seriously. You can't just stand here and stare at mommy. It's weird," I grumbled as I put my hand to my aching head and tried to calm my pounding heart.       Sweet Jesus, who kicked me in the head and shit in my mouth last night?     "You said a bad word, Mommy,”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Aaarrggg, ahoy me matey, thars a great grand vagina over yonder." Penises talk like pirates when I'm drunk.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with F**k Her Hard and be done with it?”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Your tits are like Bounty. The quicker dick picker upper.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Give me a cat over a kid any day.   You can open up a bag of Meow Mix, plop it down on the floor next to a bucket of water, go on vacation for a week, and come home to an animal that is so busy licking it’s own ass that it has no idea you were even gone.   You can’t do that with a kid.   Well, I guess you could, but I’m sure it’s frowned upon in most circles.   And if my kid could lick his own ass, I’d have saved a shit load of money on diapers, I can tell you that.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Granted, she was obviously one lick away from riding the short bus”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Money can't buy happiness but it can buy chocolate, which is kind of the same thing.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand.
“Very funny asshole. Looks like you’re on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


“Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me that four-year-olds get woodys? I am not equipped to deal with this shit, Liz.”
― Tara Sivec, quote from Seduction and Snacks


About the author

Tara Sivec
Born place: in The United States
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