“It’s like before when there was a huge pile up on the highway, as soon as you got to the point in the traffic jam that you could see the accident, your eyes were glued to the window and you nearly rear ended the guy in front of you so that you can catch a peek at the victims. Sick fucks that we are, we like to witness the suffering of others and say, 'sucks to be them.' We bob our heads to the radio as we open up our engines and tear down the now cleared highway, continuing on with our lives as if we didn’t just witness someone’s spine being scraped off the ground. Come on, you know you’ve done it. Everyone has, and right now is one of those moments.”
“She snores, she talks too god damn much, and she tries to cuddle.” John visibly shivers at that, so I nod and continue to state my grievances. “She’s always in my room, even when I’ve told her to stay the fuck out on multiple occasions. If she’s not in my room, she’s dogging my every step, or in my freaking face and asking so many fucking questions. ‘Do we have enough food, Jared? What about ammo? Are you sure it’s safe? What will happen if the monsters got in?’ I just want to go to fucking sleep, and she wants pillow talk after some subpar post coition.”
“What’s wrong with you?” John asks suspiciously. I give him a ‘what chu talkin’ ‘bout Willis?’ look and he explains. “You just woke up.” I nod. “Walked into the kitchen.” Once again I nod, not seeing what the big deal is. “And didn’t rip apart the cabinets like a rabid squirrel looking like coffee.” I shrug at that, I didn’t even remember it. “What the fuck have you done with my best friend?”
“Time is precious and should be spent doing things that make you happy, not brushing those very moments aside. That’s when you really die, and I plan on living.”
“You were supposed to be my wingman, not my freaking kamikaze pilot.”
“Are you even listening to yourself right now? You sound like you’re from the nineteen hundreds, not the two thousands." I pointed at the bed. "That thing has been laid straight more times than should be possible, but she managed it somehow; since she could sink the Titanic between her thighs, and still have room. Not to mention that they have this marvelous invention called a condom, and thank fucking Christ for that, since it prevents that troll from touching my baby making treasure.”
“Who the fuck calls their priest when their son is having a crisis?"
"I do, now shut up!" Ma answered.”
“You’re not so much of a shmuck after all, Jarry.”
“Thanks, PITA. But you tell anyone that I’m going soft, and I’ll deny it with my last breath.”
“Would I do that?” Sarah asks with what she attempts to be an innocent expression, and fails miserably.
“Yes,” I say easily. “Yes, you would.”
“You do know you’re a woman, right?” I ask.
“Are you sure?” Olivia asks with an astonished face. “I thought I had a penis.”
“Sorry, I didn’t know that you had a vagina, I’ll refrain from using vulgar words for now on. How about it smells like pee pee and poo poo, with a little bit of spew, is that better?”
“You’re a real character, you know that?”
“Thanks, I try,” she says. “Now, let’s get the shi-stuff and get out of here.”
“Fine,” I say. “But for future reference, I like it better when you curse. It’s pretty funny to see a pissed off Tinkerbell.” I run from the baseball mitt being hurled at my head, laughing all the way .”
“My god, I sound like a chick. I must be suffering the debilitating condition called DIC, Dick In Charge, since obviously he's running the show right now.”
“Fucking morning people, they just don’t understand what it a chore it is for us normal people to not want to leave our warm beds and face the miserable sun.”
“I should have known you’d have no taste,” Olivia says and rubs her temples. “Tacky from the tips of her toes, to her hair colored with what I can only assume is actual bleach.” She turns and points to John. “Hey, you would know. Does the carpet match the drapes?”
“Patience is a virtue," she replies.
"Why couldn't 'hurry the fuck up' be a virtue?”
“She's pretty, but in her face you can see all the things she's given up on in life.”
“It's a real problem to decide whether it's more boring to do something boring than to pass along everything boring that comes in to somebody else and then have nothing to do at all.”
“The Flamingo, as Siegel named his hotel, was a castle in the wasteland with a lot of tamed water nearby. And”
“Seek not revenge, but the Buddha.”
“This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin."
"Tell that to James Bond”
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