The Bone Witch

by Ivy Asher · 2020

I never thought in a million years that the bones would choose me. The power, the magic, was supposed to go to someone else in the family. I was counting on it. But now my Grammy Ruby is gone, and here the bones sit on… more

14 quotes ★ 4.13 (13,238) Fantasy

Quotes from the Book

Listen, coffee maker, I know you think you’re the shit because you’re bougie as hell, but let’s keep it real. You have one job— to make coffee— and, bitch, right now you’re sucking at it. You should be ashamed. What would all the other coffee makers have to say about your attitude?

I’m so ready for a glass of wine, my just big enough tub, and some Witcher. Lord knows I need a healthy dose of Henry Cavill in my life to remind me why I shouldn’t look into becoming a lesbian.

Did you just get a bath, little buddy? You smell so good, you handsome little tater tot,” he coos at him. I bite back a scoff as I watch Rogan kiss him again. Hoot rubbed himself all over my dirty underwear while I was in the shower this morning. The only thing he smells like is eau de mon vagina.

And I’m not about to get myself snatched because I was too polite to say hold the fuck up and answer some questions for me before we go any further.

Nope. I can come play catch the lycan with my vagina some other time.

I dip my sandwich into my soup and practically orgasm with the first bite. Rogan shakes his head and tries to fight a smile as I make sweet, sweet love to my lunch without a single ounce of shame.

How'd you sleep?" he asks, and then he takes a quiet, demure sip that I have no respect for.

Everything was better because she was here, and now she's not, and I don't want this world without her. I don't want anything if I can't share it with her.

I seriously need to get a grip. Yes, it's been a while since a good looking man got all up in my business, but the fact that my brain just jettisond off into oh, you know what would be fun? An orgasm! territory is just plain pathetic.

Ruby was powerful, and like it or not, I'm the bloodline's next Osteomancer. I will get the hang of things, and when I do, do you really think it wise to fuck with me, Rogan Kendrick?

He's the most dangerous lure I've ever seen: mouthwatering on the outside with a crunchy batshit-crazy center.

I'm like the Hagrid, Obi Wan, Haymitch, and Khloe of your story, and that is hilarious.

Worse. I tried to go out tonight, just to make sure my gaydar is fully operational, and the woman almost had a conniption. She practically turned purple with outrage. I tried to take a picture, but she attacked too fast.

The overwhelming scent of rotten eggs fills the car, and I groan and cover my nose with my shirt. I glare at Hoot, who couldn’t give two shits about the ass bombs he keeps dropping.

About Ivy Asher

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About the book

I never thought in a million years that the bones would choose me.

The power, the magic, was supposed to go to someone else in the family. I was counting on it.

But now my Grammy Ruby is gone, and here the bones sit on my kitchen table.

I thought bitter relatives would be my biggest problem. But I’ve barely had time to find a familiar before trouble comes a-knocking. The kind that possesses smoldering green eyes and a smile that can turn any woman dumb.

His name is Rogan Kendrick, and he’s certain that someone is hunting down and taking my kind.

According to him, I’m next.

This is a world that I never wanted to be a part of, but magic gives no fucks and takes no prisoners... At least we have that much in common.

I don’t know what my ancestors were thinking when they chose me, but I’m going to give them a run for their money. My name is Lennox Osseous, but you can cal