Quotes from Bite Me

Christopher Moore ·  309 pages

Rating: (23.2K votes)


“And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“[...]I am a romance slut, and there's nothing I can do about it. If a guy does or says something romantic, I'm all "Oh, please excuse me, kind sir, let me dial down my IQ and oh, if it would please sir, may I offer you this moist, yet helpless va-jay-jay that seems to have lost its way."
-The Chronicles of Abby Normal”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in 'Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Kayso, Foo finally came home and I jumped into his arms and sort of rode him to the ground with a massive tongue kiss so deep that I could taste the burned cinnamon toast of his soul, but then I slapped him, so he didn't think I was a slut. (Shut up, he had wood.)
--Being the Journal of Abby Normal”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me



“Pervy and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.)
--Being the Journal of Abby Normal”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“She's so obnoxious. Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body." Detective Cavuto”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff.
--Being the Journal of Abby Normal”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Yeah, that's right, Lash. Because I'm Chinese I have a deep-seated need to nosh house pets. Now why don't you let him in before my inner Chinaman forces me to kung-fu your bitch ass.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me



“Oh my God, you're like Obnoxious and Annoying had an ass baby!”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“So, like, the master needed a hand, if you know what I mean, so I was like, "Oh chill, it's a stress thing, everyone does it. I'm flicking the bean under the table right now just to dial the tension back a little. Yes. Yes. Yes! Oh-zombie-jeebus-fuck-me-Simba-lion-king-hakuna-matata! Yes!"
--The Chronicles of Abby Normal”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Foul and magical fumes bubbled out of the kettle, like the flatulence of a dragon on a demon-only diet.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Which isn’t, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read What the Fuck? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me



“He, Jeff, and Troy Lee carried Super Soakers loaded with Grandma Lee's Vampire Cat Remedy, other Animals had garden sprayers slung on their backs, except for Gustavo, who thought that making him carry a garden sprayer was racial stereotyping. Gustavo had a flame thrower. He wouldn't say where he got it.
"Second Amendment, cabrones." (The guy who sold Gustavo his green card had included two amendments from the Bill of Rights and Gustavo had chosen Two and Four, the right to bear arms and freedom from unreasonable search and seizure. [His sister Estrella had had seizures as a child. No bueno.] For five bucks extra he threw in the Third Amendment, which Gustavo bought because he was already sharing a three-bedroom house in Richmond with nineteen cousins and they didn't have any room to quarter soldiers.)”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Foo shuddered. It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love was very unscientific.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“That's it, said Cavuto. You're too much of a nerd to be gay. I'm contacting the committee. They'll revoke your rainbow flag and you will not be permitted anywhere near the parade.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“You motherfucking kitties need to step the fuck off!”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“So I'm like getting some perspective now - like when you're a kid and you think it sucks that you have to eat hydrogenated peanut butter on your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving commercials kids with flies in their eyes, who don't even have a sandwich - and you're all, 'Well, that sucks.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me



“…turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if you're a superhero.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“[Abby to Tommy and Jody who are hugging]
So I'm like, "Cold-faced killers on the clock, bitches, we don't have time for your bonery right now."
--The Chronicles of Abby Normal”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“He started skipping, but then caught himself and returned to deliberately pacing out his steps with his sheathed sword. People might ignore a tiny Japanese man in an orange porkpie hat and socks, with a sword, but if you went around expressing unrestrained joy, they would have you in a straightjacket before you could belt out a verse of "Zippity Do-Dah.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“The City of San Francisco is being stalked by a huge, shaved vampyre cat named Chet, and only I, Abby Normal, emergency backup mistress of the Greater Bay Area night, and my manga-haired love monkey, Foo Dog, stand between the ravenous monster and a bloody massacre of the general public. Which isn’t, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“Oh, and a huge Federal Building that looked like it was being molested by a giant steel pterodactyl, but evidently that was just the government trying to get away from their standard bomb shelter architecture to something more aesthetically appealing, especially if you liked Godzilla porn.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me



“The noise was like, well, it was like a thousand vampire cats clawing on Plexiglas—it made their teeth hurt.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“I’m very insecure, actually, but I have found that if you roll up screaming like a madwoman, hair on fire, guns blazing, no one is going to mention the zit on your forehead.” Which”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“And I’m all, “Do you want to get coffee? I have a bag of blood and ten thousand dollars in my messenger.” The nosferatu can totally drink lattes as long as they put some blood in it, unless they’re lactose intolerant. And he stops and looks at me. He’s like, “Really, ten thousand? Think that will be enough?” And I’m like, “Well, you’ll have to drink the cheap stuff, but I like to drink my lattes directly out of the veins of a toddler, and those little fuckers aren’t cheap.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me


“His words were: hello, good-bye, yes, no, please, thank you, okay, sorry, and suck my dick. He”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Bite Me



About the author

Christopher Moore
Born place: in Toledo, Ohio, The United States
See more on GoodReads

Popular quotes

“our lives are shaped for better or worse, to move forward along largely unmapped terrain. to what extent can you direct your own life when you can see only so far and the weather change quicker than you can say?”
― Sheena Iyengar, quote from The Art of Choosing


“Well, I think home spat me out, the blackouts and curfews like tongue against loose tooth. God, do you know how difficult it is, to talk about the day your own city dragged you by the hair, past the old prison, past the school gates, past the burning torsos erected on poles like flags? When I meet others like me I recognise the longing, the missing, the memory of ash on their faces.”
― Warsan Shire, quote from Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth


“Unsure how to find grace and security in the complex world we’ve inherited, we try to fill up the spaces in our children’s lives with stuff: birthday entertainments, lessons, rooms full of toys and equipment, tutors and therapists. But material pleasures can’t buy peace of mind, and all the excess leads to more anxiety—parents fear that their children will not be able to sustain this rarefied lifestyle and will fall off the mountain the parents have built for them.”
― Wendy Mogel, quote from The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee: Using Timeless Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children


“Of course, you're always a cynic before you fall in love yourself...”
― Holly Bourne, quote from Soulmates


“You have to know, from the moment I saw you outside Paradise High, I knew. I knew we were going to fall in love. And I've never regretted even a second of it. Not even now. I love you with all my heart. I always will. It was... it was all worth it. - Sarah Hart”
― Pittacus Lore, quote from The Fate of Ten


Interesting books

Fated
(8.9K)
Fated
by Rebecca Zanetti
The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine
(109.1K)
The Big Short: Insid...
by Michael Lewis
Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption
(23.7K)
Kisses from Katie: A...
by Katie J. Davis
Night of the Soul Stealer
(22.9K)
Night of the Soul St...
by Joseph Delaney
In His Steps
(20.7K)
In His Steps
by Charles M. Sheldon
Timeless
(9.7K)
Timeless
by Alexandra Monir

About BookQuoters

BookQuoters is a community of passionate readers who enjoy sharing the most meaningful, memorable and interesting quotes from great books. As the world communicates more and more via texts, memes and sound bytes, short but profound quotes from books have become more relevant and important. For some of us a quote becomes a mantra, a goal or a philosophy by which we live. For all of us, quotes are a great way to remember a book and to carry with us the author’s best ideas.

We thoughtfully gather quotes from our favorite books, both classic and current, and choose the ones that are most thought-provoking. Each quote represents a book that is interesting, well written and has potential to enhance the reader’s life. We also accept submissions from our visitors and will select the quotes we feel are most appealing to the BookQuoters community.

Founded in 2023, BookQuoters has quickly become a large and vibrant community of people who share an affinity for books. Books are seen by some as a throwback to a previous world; conversely, gleaning the main ideas of a book via a quote or a quick summary is typical of the Information Age but is a habit disdained by some diehard readers. We feel that we have the best of both worlds at BookQuoters; we read books cover-to-cover but offer you some of the highlights. We hope you’ll join us.