“You are not just one person, Candice. You’re a whole tornado of a person.”
“Babe, I can’t promise you that I’ll always be perfect, but I’ll do my straight best to try, and I’ll make it my life’s goal to always make sure you’re happy. All you’ve got to do is marry me, and I’ll do the rest.”
“Google is your friend, people. I’m serious. It’s not a person, it’s a collective group of people who want to help each other, and that’s a good thing.”
“I try not to look at him, but it’s impossible not to. His presence is totally commanding. I’ve heard that expression before, but until being around him I never really appreciated what it meant. He’s like the boss of my eyeballs or something.
Do not look at his package, Candice. Do not look at his package. My eyes move of their own accord. Oh dammit , you looked at his package! And … oh my … Oh my, my, my … There’s a giant bulge! Hooray for giant bulges and the jeans that let me see them!”
“Do not look at his package, Candice. Do not look at his package. My eyes move of their own accord. Oh dammit, you looked at his package! And … oh my … Oh my, my, my … There’s a giant bulge! Hooray for giant bulges and the jeans that let me see them!”
“Damn you, Hamster! Stop making me think about him! Go to bed!”
“I look over at Andie. “Please don’t tell me she’s going to touch chicken poop.”
Andie’s face is totally impassive. “Nope.”
“Phew. That’s a relief.”…
“She is going to touch their eggs, though.”
… “Then she is going to touch their poop.”
She laughs, sounding confused. “How so?” She takes a sip of her drink as she waits to be educated by me.
I cringe. “Ew, Andie. Because the eggs come from their butts, of course.”
Andie laughs so hard she spits coffee out at me … “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She wipes tears away. “Oh, man, Candice, I sure have missed you.”
I frown at her obvious ignorance of all things chicken. “I missed you too. But why are you laughing over simple scientific facts? Google is your friend, you know, Andie. You really shouldn’t neglect your Googling.”
“I love it when my brain just spontaneously takes over like that. It always surprises me.”
“Girl you spent time with not drinking and screwing. Girl you hang out with when you could have been doing something else. Girl you spent quality time with. Girl you do nice things for. Girl you want to smooch all night.”
He laughs once. “I guess that makes you my girlfriend.”
“I totally feel like an FBI agent right now, with my legs spread and my arms out straight, gripping the gun. I’ll bet my butt looks awesome.
… I squint at the target, holding the gun like I’ve seen FBI guys do it in the movies. I am so badass.”
“I sit down on the toilet and think back on my day as I take care of business. My stomach continues to express its discontent as I wander through my memories. I’m really glad it’s just Ian and me here in the house. I’m making a lot of noise in this little room. Wow.”
“Yes. Go away.” I stare at the ceiling. Having him this close makes me sad for some reason. Must be the drugs again. I never did like being on them. Wine is way better.
He takes my hand back. “Don’t be like that.”
“Everyone has his own timeframe for grieving. His is just longer than the average person’s.”
“I reach out to hit him, but he catches my wrist.
“Calm me down … who do you think you are?”
He pulls me close, until our chests are touching again. “I’m your guy, that’s who.”
“The nine millimeter? Don’t you think that’s a little much for her?” Henry asks. His happiness is all gone. Now he just looks worried. I frown at him. “Of course it’s not too much for me. I hold blow-dryers and flat irons all day long. Have you ever done a two-hour blow-out? Because I have. Without breaks.” I snort. “Trust me, I can handle it.”
“What for?” Mildred squints up at him, staring at his hat. “You gonna marry him?”
My jaw drops open and my face burns red. “Uhhh …” Ian and I haven’t talked marriage. Yes, we’ve discussed him living out here, but that was it. I’m so embarrassed right now it’s not even funny. I wish I could turn back time and bring Ian in here on a day that Mildred wasn’t going to be around.
Ian walks over and takes a seat in the chair next to Mildred. “Maybe. If I can convince her it’s a good idea.”
“In vogue and cosmopolitan they clutch their Pomeranians and walk among the millionaires or watch from swayback steamer chairs”
“Don't pretend you don't like it when I treat you as a lady.”
“Maybe I don't.”
Despite that, he still opened the car door for me, with his lips curving up into a careless grin. “Girls always do that,” he said, “—pretend they think you're taking their independence from them if you open a door. But that's not the case.”
“Well, what is the case?” I sat down on the front seat—leaving my feet on the driveway.
“Simply that we're demonstrating good-breeding; showing the girl we're worthy and capable of taking care of her—that we're polite, considerate and nurturing.”
I folded my arms. “Women don't need nurturing—or to be taken care of. We can fend for ourselves. We're equal to men, you know.”
“Dear Judy: Your letter is here. I have read it twice, and with amazement. Do I understand that Jervis has given you, for a Christmas present, the making over of the John Grier Home into a model institution, and that you have chosen me to disburse the money? Me - I, Sallie McBride, the head of an orphan asylum! My poor people, have you lost your senses, or have you become addicted to the use of opium, and is the raving of two fevered imaginations? I am exactly as well fitted to take care of one hundred children as to become the curator of a zoo.”
“...chicks are naturally attracted to the scent of badass”
“I was very depressed in those months, because it’s not funny to lose both your feet when you’re thirty years old.”
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