Molly Harper · 371 pages
Rating: (15.6K votes)
“Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.”
“If God didn't want us to eat the animals, He wouldn't have made them so tasty.”
“He's like that with everybody. Don't take it personally. Some people were just born with a pinecone shoved up their butts.
In Cooper's case, it's lodged sideways.”
“There's an inverse relationship between my temper and my ability to control my accent. If you hear me say 'Fiddledeedee', run for the hills, because I'm getting ready to take out bystanders.”
“What do you want from me, Maggie? Advice? Absolution? Go forth and be a bitch no more.”
“You will treat my underwear with the reverence it deserves. Next time, you will stop and appreciate--hell, you'll marvel at the miracle of my ass clad in silk.”
“Maybe it was just an over abundance of hormones, a response to a sexual starvation diet. I'd been without for so long that my body was craving the worst possible thing for me. Cooper was carnal triple chocolate cheesecake, deep-fried on a stick.”
“Well, pardon me for not knowing about the thermal-only panty rule,” I said, smirking as he dipped his head to nuzzle one of the silky bra cups. “I’ll rush right out and buy some long johns.”
Pausing to look up with perfect sincerity, he promised, “If you do, I will weep. Like a little girl. In public.”
“It was not healthy for one man's smile to make my panties spontaneously combust”
“When a naked man shows up on your doorstep with a bear trap clamped around his ankle, it's best just to do what he asks”
“Instead of celebrating with a cake (too full of poisonous refined sugars) and presents (too materialistic), my mother would come into my room at exactly 3:57 A.M. to tell me the story of my miraculous emergence into this world, as if it was some fairy tale. Although I supposed few fairy tales involved the words 'vaginal flowering'.”
“Establishing dominance early in the relationship is key. Vampire children are like human children in that they can sense weakness. They will wait for you to be busy or too distracted to realize that you’ve given them permission to feed on the pizza guy.
—Siring for the Stupid: A Beginner’s Guide to Raising Newborn Vampires”
“Why couldn’t I have spent the last few months like this, wrapped in his arms, drinking in the warm, spicy scent of him? Oh, wait. Cooper was a complete dick to me, that’s why.”
“I loved lingerie. I loved the feel of satin and silk on my skin. I loved the juxtaposition of wearing a pair of two-hundred-dollar lace panties under blue jeans, like the pair I was wearing at the moment. Lingerie was a personal statement that you didn't have to declare to the world. You could be as demure or as naughty as you wanted to be, and no one ever had to know unless you showed them... or were injured in a serious car accident.”
“Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.”
“I tend to bake when I'm upset. Or bored...or premenstrual...or if it's Tuesday. I'll use any excuse.”
“A boot up the ass could be considered a 'nudge' right?”
“I sighed. 'Ah spite, the stuff of fairy tales.”
“THE BLUE GLACIER SALOON was part general store, part restaurant, part bar. It was my fantasy come true, a Stuckey’s that served shots.”
“He delivered the mail, ran our modest recycling program, and maintained our handful of public buildings. He also occasionally fell asleep while driving a snowplough, but he was such a cheerful guy it was hard to stay pissed at him. Besides every village needs an idiot.”
“My mother had spent one hundred dollars on shipping to send me cookies, antimeat propaganda, and laxatives.”
The coward turned and walked into the kitchen as if he hadn't seen me getting frogmarched by the estrogen squad.”
“The rest of the morning would consist of checking on a pothole in the parking lot of the village clinic and writing up a schedule for the community centre that might finally settle the ongoing feud between the local quilting group and the bridge club.
It was good to be queen.”
“Head nodding has its origins in bowing to appear subordinate.”
“Death’s a funny thing. I used to think it was a big, sudden thing, like a huge owl that would swoop down out of the night and carry you off. I don’t anymore. I think it’s a slow thing. Like a thief who comes to your house day after day, taking a little thing here and a little thing there, and one day you walk round your house and there’s nothing there to keep you, nothing to make you want to stay. And then you lie down and shut up forever. Lots of little deaths until the last big one.”
“The pleasantness of their company outweighed the regret of their passing. On the whole, then, it is better to experience what you experience now than not to.”
“Hurry," she breathed.
Man, talk about pressure. He was supposed to get it up while demon hordes were trying to kill him, and Satan himself was knocking at the door.”
“Abruptly the voice became the plaintive treble of the little girl. “I can climb. Do you think I won’t think to move the table over there under the hole? I, who can talk?” “You know yourself a beast, then.” The man’s voice came again. “We know we are within the beast, just as once we were within the cases of flesh the beast has devoured.” “And you would consent to its devouring your wife and your son, Becan?” “I would direct it. I do direct it. I want Casdoe and Severian to join us here, just as I joined Severa today. When the fire dies, you die too-joining us—and so shall they.”
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