The Valedictorian of Being Dead: The True Story of Dying Ten Times to Live

Depression extinguishes our purpose in life—the purpose of anything in our lives—making it quite literally impossible to handle anything. Every day and hour and minute is an obstacle course of things we are supposed to handle; most people do so without any effort, but we can’t even see around the first corner. And so we collapse. Or we sleep for days on end. Or we yell at people who don’t deserve it.

That’s another thing that people don’t understand about depression: we don’t want to take a shower, we don’t know why we feel this way, and even if we did, it wouldn’t make us stop feeling this way. We have lost all interest in doing anything, especially anything that once brought us joy—because that thing will not bring us joy, and we can’t bear the meaning of that. It would be too much. It would crush us.

We think we will be alone forever.

And just in case you didn't know this little tidbit about social interaction, let me fill you in on something: Do not ever comment on how or what or when a woman is eating anything. Don't do it. Because you know what might happen? You might trigger an obsession with food that the woman had managed to stifle for over twenty years - an obsession that throttled her ability to function throughout high school and college - all because you couldn't resist monitoring her refried beans. Good job. Well done. Five stars. Ten points for you.

the exhaustion of thinking about it is what prevented me from wearing anything that would require thinking in the first place.

And then I began silently sobbing for all the children out therewhose parents don’t believe them. We so desperately do not want to feel alone. We don’t want to feel this way. We would do anything not to feel this way. The lengths we will go to so that we no longer feel this way. I sat there crying for those of us who believe the only way out is through death, wishing we all had someone like my mother who chooses to listen and believe. I cried harder for those of us who don’t, who do not ever make it up and out of the hole. I cried for those of us stuck in the loop of the lie, that the world would be so much better off without us. Please believe us. Help us find our way up and out and back to the truth that you would not be better off without us.

The dating scene in Utah is a beautiful backdrop for a suicidal ideation.