Suicide Watch

I can physically see the effort it takes for him to open his mouth and force out the words. He's spent so much of his life not being seen, not being heard, that he's forgotten how to realize anything he says does hold weight and is important.

The idea of not being a kid anymore terrifies me. I am an adult and I have been hurled out of the world of boys and girls into the fray of men and women, and expected to function as a grown-up when I never functioned very well as a kid.

It doesn't matter if it could be worse, because even those people living on the street could still say 'it's not as bad as it could be.' You still feel the pain. It still matters. All this means nothing unless you have people around who understand you. People who get that, sometimes, you're just...really, really fucking sad and it's for no reason at all. Then you get pissed off 'cause you realize you're upset without a good reason, and you feel even worse.

Once upon a time, I lost everything and I was so alone. The sadness, the hurt, it all seemed so infinite. When you're wandering alone in a storm, you can't see the end, or if there even is one, and how close it might be. I'm still wandering, but maybe I don't feel so lost now. I'll keep trying. I promise.

The ledge isn't even wide enough for my feet to fit on completely. I hang onto the rail tightly and do a Casper does...leaning out slowly over the water. Like this, there is no safety. No rail to catch me if I slip. I'm almost flying. Between me and death, there is...nothing. Nothing in the way but my own decision to hang on.

Just because someone doesn't act or look unhappy doesn't mean their lives are perfect." He raises his eyebrows. "There's this method of dealing with things that involves keeping your chin up. Knowing whatever crap you're dealing with right now isn't going to last forever. All things pass.

Except then I wonder what it's like to feel normal because if you take away the things I've felt all my life--the insecurity, the pain, the loneliness, the absolute dissolution of any sane or rational thought during one of my more manic moods and the helplessness when I realize one of said manic moods is creeping up on me (like right now)--what's left after the fact? Emptiness?

Of course you are. Emotions are totally irrational half the time." Her ice blue eyes lock onto me. "But you have full control over how you deal with them. Acknowledging that something is irrational and refraining from taking it out on someone is the best thing to do.

I take medication that makes me feel absolutely nothing. Medication that scoops out my insides and leaves me hollow. Sometimes I take it because that emptiness is the only way to keep my heart from crumbling to pieces.

Breathe in, breathe out. Over and over again. Just to prove a broken heart can't really kill you.

That was offensive on so many levels. You can't just tell someone they look like a Jew.

In this part of California, there is no fall or spring. Summer drops right into winter, into summer, back and forth. Our idea of autumn is October, where the leaves rapidly go from green to gold to on-the-ground, and it's suddenly freezing.

Finding something for a zombie costume in a wardrobe befitting Rainbow Brite isn't easy.