Billionaire Boy

It's strange how sometimes you can be so happy it goes all the way round to sadness.

It was a long, long time since anyone had hugged him, so he hugged himself.

My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter." Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred. "Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.

BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!” The chants grew louder and louder. “BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!” They started clapping in time now. “BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!

Speeding around his own private racetrack in his own Formula One racing car. Some

Run to the local bookshop and buy a copy of How to Learn Mind Control in Ten Minutes by Professor Stephen Haste and very quickly hypnotise Miss Spite into thinking he had already given her his homework. Disguise himself as a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Bribe the school nurse into telling Miss Spite he had died.

roll that is moist on one side and dry on the other? he thought, as he rolled paper

still at number one… “It’s not just yourself you’ve let down

Joe looked at the page. There was a photograph of a woman’s hand squirting toilet cleaner around a U-bend. “Well I say model, she is a hand model really. I can’t wait to see her face.” Underneath the image it read, ‘Sapphire, 19, from Bradford. Likes shopping, hates thinking.

One day he had a daydream that was to revolutionise bottom wiping forever.

Oi!” It had all been going perfectly. Joe and Lauren had been sitting on a park bench eating their lollies from Raj’s shop. Raj could see Joe was trying to impress this girl, and so made a ridiculous fuss of him, giving him a one-penny discount on their lollies, and offering Lauren a free browse of Now magazine. At last, though, they had escaped the newsagent’s shop and found a quiet corner of the park, where they had been talking and talking as the melted red goo of their lollies dribbled down their fingers. They spoke about everything except Joe’s family life. Joe didn’t want to lie to Lauren. He already liked her too much for that. So when she asked him what his parents did he just told her his dad worked in ‘human waste management’ and unsurprisingly Lauren didn’t enquire any further. Joe desperately didn’t want Lauren to know how ridiculously rich he was. Having observed how Sapphire

right, Spud,” said a suspicious Miss Spite, before turning to the board and writing on it. “King Louis the sixteenth.” Stepping out into the spring sunshine, Joe turned to Lauren. “You totally saved my butt in there.” “That’s OK. I like you.” She smiled. “Really…?” asked Joe. “Yes!” “Well, then, I wonder if…” Joe stumbled over his words. “If, well…” “Well, what…?” “If you, well, I mean you probably wouldn’t, in fact you definitely wouldn’t, I mean, why would you? You are so pretty and I am just a big lump, but…” The words were spiralling out of his mouth in all directions now, and Joe was beginning to blush fiercely with embarrassment. “Well, if you wanted to…” Lauren took over the speaking for a bit. “If I wanted to go for a walk in the park after school and maybe grab an ice lolly? Yes, I would love to.” “Really?” Joe was incredulous. “Yes, really.” “With me?” “Yes, with you, Joe Potatoe.” Joe was a hundred

And still at number one… “It’s not just yourself you’ve let down, but the whole school.

All of those words are so rude I wouldn’t dream of putting them in this book.

Give us it you little ****,” said the other one. I have to confess, reader, that the **** bit was a swear word. Other swear words include ****, ******** and of course the incredibly rude ************************. If you don’t know any swear words it’s best to ask a parent or teacher or other responsible adult to make a list for you.

The Queen’s bum remained purple. She showed it to everyone in the country when she gave her yearly speech to the nation on Christmas Day, calling it her ‘anus horribilis’.

Friday Soup of the day – Terrapin Pan-fried otter steaks Or Owl quiche (kosher) Or Boiled poodle (not suitable for vegetarians) All served with a slice of gravy Dessert – Mouse mousse

Soup of the day – wasp Gerbils on toast Or Hair lasagne (vegetarian option) Or Brick cutlet All served with deep-fried cardboard Dessert – A slice of sweat cake Tuesday Soup of the day – Caterpillar consommé Macaroni snot (vegetarian option) Or Road-kill bake Or Slipper frittata

But it had been a few moments since Joe had last eaten and he was hungry.