The Unteachables: A Hilarious Novel About a Class of Misfits and Mayhem for Children

Justice and fairness aren't just part of the social studies curriculum, you know. They're the building blocks of our entire society.

Let me tell you about spirit.” The teacher comes alive, making eye contact with each of us as he speaks. “No one can command you to have spirit—not principals, governors, presidents, or even kings. There’s no spirit switch in your brain that can be flipped on or off. Spirit isn’t a week you can put on your calendar. It doesn’t come from posters, or streamers, or rallies, or funny hat days. And it definitely doesn’t come from making an ungodly racket with a cheap plastic instrument of torture that was invented purely for disturbing the peace!

Just because you’ve got anger management problems doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty to be ticked off about.

There are smart phones and dumb phones. His is a rock.

Why don’t you share how you hurt your leg? I’m guessing it was a football injury.” “No way,” Barnstorm scoffs. “The tackler isn’t born who can catch me. I was changing a lightbulb in the bathroom and I slipped off the toilet seat.

I read one book all the way through—just one! And this is what I get for it? The cover should come with a sticker: Warning: Do not read unless you hate dogs!

I’ve never ruined anyone’s life, but apparently it’s almost as hard on the messer as it is on the messee.

We’re free to spend—or not spend—our puffy-tails however we choose. That’s how a market economy works.

D? Ribbit never gave tests before, and now he’s throwing Ds around?” Barnstorm laughs in his face. “It isn’t Ribbit’s fault you’re stupid.” He examines his own paper. The word INCOMPLETE is written across the top. “What?!” he complains. “At least I got a grade,” Aldo tells him. “I miss the old Ribbit,” Barnstorm complains. “Yeah,” Aldo agrees. “This is way too much like education.

He should earn a puffy-tail for helping and lose it for being mean,” Parker puts in. “At least then he breaks even.

Even though I can’t stand the guy, at that moment, I actually relate to him a little bit. He may be the worst teacher in the world, but we have something in common. He has anger management problems too.

With my grandmother, there’s always something to slow you down—if isn’t meatloaf, then she’s buttoned her blouse wrong, or she’s wearing slippers instead of shoes, or she’s waiting for Grandpa to come home, even though he died a long time ago.

I’m allowed to drive for the family business,” he explains. “Which is what—a funeral parlor? You almost killed me.

I’m not retiring,” I tell her. “Sign me up for next year.

The calendar appears in my mind, that magical date in June circled in gold Sharpie. Only 172 more school days to go.

bucket-filler is someone loving and caring,

actually saw myself finishing out the year in this class I don’t belong in, in this school I don’t really go to. And in this town where my only connection is the fact that my parents grew up here.

His face is redder than his hair, and streaked with tears. “Old Dan and Little Ann!” he gasps, waving Where the Red Fern Grows in front of him. “They’re dead! Both of them!” “Heavy,” Elaine agrees, her expression solemn. “Well,” I begin, choosing my words carefully, “some stories—” Aldo cuts me off. “I read one book all the way through—just one! And this is what I get for it? The cover should come with a sticker: Warning: Do not read unless you hate dogs!

It would have been better to finish 150th than to come so close to winning only to take an L.

Aldo might be the only one who belongs in SCS-8. But he’s come a long, long way. He passed that science test—and the fact that he did isn’t half as amazing as the fact that he even bothered to try.

I see you on television. You’ll jump through hoops to provide fast relief from painful athlete’s foot fungus.” “That’s not me,” I tell her. “I get you a great deal on a new or used vehicle.

Kid, that was something!” the service chief exclaims admiringly. “If the lift system loses power, can we count on you to pick up cars on your shoulders?

He talks to me about cars, to Barnstorm about sports, and to Mateo about Game of Thrones. He talks to Elaine—I guess car dealers don’t worry about being head-butted down stairs or tossed into garbage dumpsters. He talks to Kiana about practically everything. He asks Rahim’s opinion on the art for new ads for Terranova Motors, and Rahim never so much as yawns when he’s around.

I thought Jake chose us because he wants to make up for the cheating scandal, not because of Miss Fountain.

Plus, Barnstorm is complaining about his mobility with only one crutch. “Then you shouldn’t have busted the other one over Elaine’s head,” Aldo tells him. “It was her back, not her head,” Barnstorm retorts. “I saved her life, man. She’d better remember that while deciding who her next victim’s going to be.

Everybody hates something,” I retort. “I don’t like lima beans—am I the Grinch too?” “It’s not just what you hate; it’s why you hate it,” Mateo replies seriously. “Indiana Jones hates snakes because he’s afraid of them. Superman hates kryptonite because it’s his weakness. The Wicked Witch of the West hates water because it makes her melt. But Mr. Kermit and the Grinch are both haters for the same reason—noise.

It’s not just for little kids,” Miss Fountain corrects. “It’s for everybody. Positive reinforcement is something you never outgrow. Think of how much better our world would be if national leaders would only sit in a circle and be kind and civil to one another.

How must it feel inside when the closest you can get to saying something nice involves foot odor?

I cheer when Barnstorm is introduced. I’ve never known anybody on a team before. He waves a crutch in our direction, and a few of the other kids clap too. Then Rahim falls asleep. His head slumps over and conks the girl sitting next to him. We get kicked out