Quotes from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“My stepfather, John O'Hara, was the goodest man there was. He was not a man of many words, but of carefully chosen ones. He was the one parent who didn't try to fix me. One night I sat on his lap in his chair by the woodstove, sobbing. He just held me quietly and then asked only, "What does it feel like?" It was the first time I was prompted to articulate it. I thought about it, then said, "I feel homesick." That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“The thing about depression is that, if you're not the one who's actually suffering from it, there's very little you can do to be proactive. If someone in your family is depressed, all you can really do is send them to the shrink, get them their meds, be gentle, and wait.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“Summer camp: the second worst camp for Jews.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“I would pretend that I was in a glass box - that I was in this glass container that no one could see, and it protected me. At night I would open the door and get out of the box to go to bed. In the morning, I stepped into it and closed the latch. I dreamed that I would somehow be transported - that all this sadness and fear would actually fuel this glass box and carry me home.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“It seems to me that sometimes the worst parents make the best grandparents. I'm not sure why. Maybe because there is enough of a generational separation that they don't see their grandchildren as an extension of themselves, so their relationship isn't tainted by any self-loathing. And of course, just growing older seems to soften and relax people. Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping. I'm excited about the next generation!”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“I will always try to be happy. I don’t think people really understand the value of happiness until they know what it’s like to be in that very, very dark place. It’s not romantic. Not even a little.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“One of the biggest - and I would guess most common - mistakes parents make is to transfer their own childhood shit onto their kids. Whatever their joys and agonies were growing up, they assume will be exactly the same for their children, and they let it guide their parenting. I can see the same dumb instincts in myself. When I first started hanging out with my old boyfriend's kids, I found it depressing because I would just look at them and think of how miserable they must be, and how totally alone they must feel. To me, that's what childhood meant. But the truth was that they were fine. Happy-go-lucky, even.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“HE BROKE HIS NOSE GIVING A FAKE BLOWJOB. Holy shit. I love that story with every part of me.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“She loved dogs, New York, television, children, friendship, sex, laughing, heartbreaking songs, marijuana, farts, and cuddling.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“Look, there’s not much useful to take away from this book – it’s largely stories of a woman who has spent her life peeing on herself. But there is one way I really believe I can help the world, and that is to encourage everyone, in all things, to “Make It a Treat”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“At the time that this book is being written, I am single. If you've ever heard that song by Beyoncé, "Single Ladies", I am one of the people she's singing about. I have to be, because she sings, "All the single ladies." If she didn't mean to include me in that, then she really needs to choose her words more carefully.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so completely interbred that humanity will have a monolithic caramelish color and common facial features. There won't be blonds or hairy Jews anymore.Words like "Chink" will cease to have meaning. They will be relics, along with those who use them for comedy. Which is exactly why I am past that meta-racist shit and onto poop and pee. Onward and downward!”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“At some point, I figured that it would be more effective and far funnier to embrace the ugliest, most terrifying things in the world--the Holocaust, racism, rape, et cetera. But for the sake of comedy, and the comedian's personal sanity, this requires a certain emotional distance. It's akin to being a shrink or a social worker. you might think that the most sensitive, empathetic person would make the best social worker, but that person would end up being soup on the floor. It really takes someone strong--someone, dare I say, with a big fat wall up--to work in a pool of heartbreak all day and not want to fucking kill yourself. But adopting a persona at once ignorant and arrogant allowed me to say what I didn't mean, even preach the opposite of what I believed. For me, it was a funny way to be sincere. And like the jokes in a roast, the hope is that the genuine sentiment--maybe even a goodness underneath the joke (however brutal) transcends.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“I'm sympathetic to the nuns' violent impulses. I mean, if I'd given up sex to devote myself to a man who I had to just trust loved me, despite never being physically around to prove it, I'd probably be smacking little children too.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“After fifteen years of making my living in stand-up, The Sarah Silverman Program has been a lesson in collaboration. Rob, Dan, and I live by the mantra "Whoever is most passionate." If I was mentoring someone, that's the Shandling-esque advice I would proffer: Find people you really respect and trust, and then at each decision, heed the most passionate voice. I love that because it eliminates nearly all struggle. And when you're doing a show that's mostly about farts, penises, and vaginas, there should be as little struggle as possible.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“If life is a meal, then diaries are the toilets in which we shit out its vile remnants.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager's face. Instead, I hugged him. (about getting the SNL gig as a writer)”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“I looked up at this train car full of strangers, and my heart soared. In New Hampshire, I'd always felt like a goat among sheep; until I got to New York it had never occurred to me that there could be a place filled with other goats.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“If you’ve ever heard that song by Beyoncé, “Single Ladies,” I am one of the people she’s singing about. I have to be, because she sings, “All the single ladies.” If she didn’t mean to include me in that, then she really needs to choose her words more carefully.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“I know I'm not funny. I mean, let's face it, I'm no Groucho Marx. But if you're a guy, and you're watching late night television, are you gonna start jacking off to Groucho? I don't think so!”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“When my father first came home from college, he sat my grandparents down to tell them some very serious news. They followed him quizzically into the living room, and from the bantam couch stared up at their nervous, pacing son.
"I'm gay," he announced.
They sat stunned for a moment, and just as his mother started to cry he said,
"Just kidding. I smoke.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“Make It a Treat” is similar in spirit to “everything in moderation,” but still very distinct. “Moderation” suggests a regular, low-level intake of something. MIAT asks for more austerity; it encourages you to keep the special things in life special. I apply this rule in a variety of ways. For instance, I wear makeup and high heels on special occasions. But if I dressed up all the time, it would become ordinary, and I would receive fewer compliments.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“You might think that the most sensitive, empathetic person would make the best social worker, but that person would end up being soup on the floor. It really takes someone strong—someone, dare I say, with a big fat wall up—to work in a pool of heartbreak all day and not want to fucking kill yourself.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“The anxiety of being in Heather's stuff was stress-gravy on an already terror-filled plate.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“One thing I learned over the years since then is that the hours you work on a show are directly related to the happiness of the head writer's marriage.”
― Sarah Silverman, quote from The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

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