Sal and Gabi Break the Universe

WHEN I’M GOOD, I’M VERY GOOD, BUT WHEN I’M BAD, I’M BETTER.”—MAE WEST.

I stopped one step down. What did you just say, brain? Nothing, said my brain, slowly eating an imaginary sandwich.

Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear.

How did you know it’s my brother’s birthday?!” asked Gabi. I could almost see her head exploding. Very satisfying.

and started to unlock the door. On the other side of the door, a bunch of voices started talking at the same time. “What the—?” “Oh God, it’s late! We’re behind schedule!” “We gotta hide the—!” “Stall them! Stall them!” I don’t know about you, but that sounded like a burglary in progress to me. Gabi and I traded looks. “Who’s in your house?” she asked. “I don’t know,” I said.

Humans,” the machine grumbled. “Even the nice ones turn on you.

The problem with pretending is that eventually you have to stop. It never, ever, ever lasts long enough.

tried the My Little Pony approach to handling bullies. “Sorry. Just trying to help.” And I started to walk away.

Fear is your body trying to tell your brain what to do. But the brain is the king of the body. It calls the shots.

Qué se yo!” he answered. “Puede ser que un diablo glotón vino y se lo voló. Este mundo está lleno de demonios que se pasan el día entero haciendo trampas y trucos.

The chicken, Mr. Milagros. Did you clean it up?” The walkie-talkie crackled as Mr. Milagros put his thoughts in order. “¿Bueno? I was going to. I was all ready to. But when I got to the lockers, no chicken.” The other three people in the office looked at me, a little stunned, a little scared, and yeah, I think, a little impressed.

Guess where I am standing question mark I am standing in front of the all caps MULTIPURPOSE all caps ROOM comma and guess what I just saw through the window question mark I saw capital Oso capital Amoroso sleeping on a football pillow and a bed made of those gross gym mats period new line new line You are my friend period You are supposed to tell me when you need help period This is all caps COMPLETELY unacceptable period new line new line Write me back all caps THIS all caps INSTANT and tell me where you are period send.

I ripped a hole in the space-time continuum and borrowed a chicken from another universe.” The computer didn’t have to think at all this time. Ding! it sang, and a check instantly filled the box next to TRUE. “Wut?” asked Gabi.

Your dead wife. In the flesh. I danced with her.

The giant taco is flying. It's like your own personal dragon mount, except it's a taco. Breathe out. Soar the skies on your giant taco, Gabi!

What's happening?" asked Gabi. "Everything," I answered, relaxing and relaxing. "Everything at once.

My dream, someday, is to be that deep guy who always says the right thing to everybody. I have my beard planned out and everything. So I stood slowly and, my voice dripping with wisdom, clapped a hand on his shoulder and said, “Being patient is the most important part of being a gentleman.” “You are a submarine sandwich,” he said, and walked out of the cafeteria.

Like any proper Cuban gathering, it took the adults another forty-five minutes of conversation to actually say good-bye.

I love it when adults remember to behave themselves. They forget all the time. Hard to blame them, though. They haven’t been kids for a long while.

One of the ways you know if an adult has been broken by life is if they never laugh anymore. Principal Torres? That woman bellowed. I mean, she laughed like the Loch Ness monster would, if it existed.

He thought. He blinked. He cocked his head at the happy class of kids. And then he got it. Like, I could almost hear his brain go click.

Your phone gets bars across universes?” She nodded philosophically. “It pay’ to buy the righ’ plan, Pipo.

Woah,” said the entropy sweeper. I could literally hear it misspelling “whoa.

I could almost hear him powering up. I could almost hear his eyes narrowing, his warrior’s smile spreading over his face. “Para servirle,” he said, two octaves down from his normal voice. And then he hung up.

Can a class-eight artificial intelligence lie?” “Oh yeah, sure. I lie all the time. I’m lying right now.” My brain short-circuited a little. “But if you’re lying about lying…But if you’re telling the truth about lying…” “I just blew your mind, didn’t I, kid? Bwa-ha-ha!

I mean, I tried to throw the door open. But the criminals in my house had sett he chain lock.