Quotes from Kingdom of the Wicked

Derek Landy ·  607 pages

Rating: (9.6K votes)


“I had an uneventful few days," it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think."
"No, they won't," Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them."
"That's what I told him," the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college."
Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?"
"I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Emergency Valve Regulators," she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?
"Not really," he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“He could be a butterfly dreaming he's a man."
"Well, he's not. He's a big fat man dreaming he's a big fat butterfly. What the hell am I supposed to do?"
There was another hesitation. "I'm not sure. You don't happen to have a large net handy, do you?"
"I want to hit him. I want to hit YOU, but I also want to hit him.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last
present you gave me was a stick.”
“You wanted a weapon.”
“It was a stick.”
“It had a bow on it.”
“It was a stick.”
“I thought you liked the stick. You laughed.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Is that it?”
“No. That’s a wall.”
“It could be disguised.”
“You’re not very good at looking for things, are you?”
“I’m good at looking for walls. Look, I found another one.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked



“What?" she asked again.
He pointed ahead of them. "See that?"
"What, the snow?"
"Beyond that."
"More snow?"
"Stop looking at the snow.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Can I ask you a question? You know with vampires and werewolves and goblins and things, is there any mythological creature that doesn't actually exist?"
"Of course," he replied. "The unicorn and the leprechaun would be would be the two main ones. The Loch Ness Monster isn't real, either, that's just someone called Bert.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“He could wear hats. He could wear an assortment of hats of different shapes and styles. Boater hats, cowboy hats, bowler hats. The list went on. Pork-pie hats, bucket hats, trillbies and panamas. Top hats, straw hats, trapper hats. Wide brim narrow brim, stingy brim. He could wear a fez. Fezzes were cool. Hadn't someone once said that fezzes were cool? He was pretty aur ether had. And they were. They were cool.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“It's a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don't you think?"
"It does much more that that," Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.
His eyes widened. "What wonder is this?"
"It's called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me?”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated."
"I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked



“You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Skulduggery."
"Fletcher."
Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment.
"I'm sorry, what are we doing now?"
"Shaking hands," Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know.
"You look a lot like him."
"Well, yeah, but-"
"And you have the same ridiculous hair."
"Can we just shake hands?"
"Of course we can," Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what?"
"I, uh...I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?"
"Generally, the first thing they do is let go."
"Oh, right," Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie.
"It's blue."
"And such a nice shade."
Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“You've done what?"
"I know," he said. "You're impressed. You send me out for bread and I come back with a boy. Well, not literally. That would be weird. Even for me.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Ravel said. “And I order people around really well. This morning, Tipstaff came over with a cup of tea and I told him no, I don’t want tea I want coffee. That was great. I really asserted my authority.”
“Did he go and get you a coffee?”
“No, he said he’d already made a pot of tea so I took the tea because, you know he’d already made it, but my authority was still firmly asserted.”
Ghastly nodded. “He’ll think twice about making tea again.”
“That he will, Ghastly my friend, that he will. What are we looking for, by the way?
“Seriously? I gave you the file half an hour ago.”
“Yes, you did.”
“And did you read it?”
“No, I did not.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“I don’t need you sensitive, Skulduggery. I need you aloof and irresponsible and arrogant. That’s why I love you. That’s why I let you hang out with me.”

“I’m truly blessed.”

She grinned. “You love me, too. Once you admit it, everything will be better.”

“They’re about to hook up the Cube to the Accelerator,” he said, and turned and walked off.

She followed. “You can’t run from your feelings.”

“I can walk from them.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked



“I should go in alone," Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. "If we both go in, it'll look to official."
"So I'll just stay out here?" Skulduggery asked. "But what'll I do? There's no one to talk to. It's boring."
"You're standing on the roof of a train," Valkyrie pointed out. "If you find this boring, you really need your head examined. Just wait here. I'll do what has to be done and I'll be find out.
"Fine," he said, sounding grumpy. "Don't be long.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“I also think Valkyire’s ex-boyfriend will come in handy here.”
Ravel frowned, “The dead vampire?”
Valkyrie glared at him, “I think he means Fletcher.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Caelen was never my boyfriend.”
“I didn’t mean to-“
“We never talk about Caelen,” Ghastly muttered.”
“I’m really sorry, Valkyrie, Ravel said. “Fletcher’s great. He’s wonderful. I’m sure he’d be delighted to help, and having a teleporter here will certainly solve some problems. We’ll arrange that, we’ll get him over to you, start the ball rolling, as it were. Once again, sorry about bringing up the vampire.”
Ghastly shot him a look whispered, “Why do you keep talking about him?”
“I can’t help it,” Ravel whispered back. “Now he’s all I can think about.”
“You realise,” Valkyrie said, “that we can hear you both perfectly well.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Now, before you begin to worry, the section of the gaol that I’m standing in is completely secure. No problems here. I’m not in any danger whatsoever.”

“And the section I’m standing in?”

“Well,” he said, “the important thing to remember is that I’m perfectly safe.”

Valkyrie sighed. “I’m stuck in here with the bad guys, aren’t I?”

“Or you could be glass-half-full about it and say that they are stuck in there with you. Which might make you feel better.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Other stories tell how I eat innocent newborns, how I’m ten feet tall, how I breathe fire and have great dragon wings. None of these are wholly accurate. I don’t have dragon wings, I don’t breathe fire, I’m only eight feet tall and I’ve never eaten a newborn that didn’t have it coming. My name is Mevolent. What’s yours?”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“mostly we've had to found ways to amuse ourselves."
"Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"
Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."
He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.
Then they both let go. laughing.
"Naw," Plight said, we just play board games."
..."she fell for it!" gasped Lenka. "She fell for the human sacrifice bit!”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked



“Grand Mage,” Ghastly said, as he put the map away, “did you know the sparrow flies south for the winter?”
“What an odd thing to say,” Ravel said, and as he turned, he snapped his palm against the air and Paloma slammed into the wall.”
…..“What do you know,” Ravel said, breathing a little faster, “Skulduggery’s silly little code actually works.”
“Grand Mage,” Ghastly said, as he put the map away, “did you know the sparrow flies south for the winter?”
“What an odd thing to say,” Ravel said, and as he turned, he snapped his palm against the air and Paloma slammed into the wall.”
…..“What do you know,” Ravel said, breathing a little faster, “Skulduggery’s silly little code actually works.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“He said a bad word. Do you want to know what it was? It started with F. It's not the one you're thinking of, though. To the other one. The one that ends with P. do you want to know what it was? It was troop." She frowned. "Wait that's not a word.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“People!" she screamed. "There are people here! New people!”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“You’re seventeen. You’re supposed to be dealing with school and hormones and dim-witted parents. You’re supposed to be finding out who you are as a person.”
“But I already know who I am,” Valkyrie said. “I’m a world-breaker.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Even as she'd been writing it, she wondered if she was using too many exclamation marks, but she was glad she left them in. Nothing says "all is good in the world" like exclamation marks, after all.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked



“The dart is loaded with enough sedative to bring down a—”

“Small elephant?”

He looked at her. “What?”

“You know. In the movies, if they’re going after something dangerous, they always say their tranquilliser darts have enough sedative to bring down a small elephant.”

“What do people have against small elephants?”

“Well, nothing, but—”

“There’s enough sedative in these darts to bring down a werewolf, which is exactly what we’re hunting. Why would we want to bring down an elephant if we’re not hunting elephants?”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Ah...Dectective, this is a very private and personal moment for them both. I'm sure you can understand their need for-"
A man stumbled out clutching a sheet round his waist and Valkyrie's eyes widened. "Whoa," she said as he hummed into a table. He was tall and sandy-haired and his physique was jaw-dropping lay amazing. "No way," she said. "Scapegrace?"
The man looked at her, and shook his head. The a woman came charging out of the back room, slammed into the man and they both went rolling across the floor.
"Give it to me!" The woman screamed. "Give it to me!"
Nye scuttled over. "Mr Scapegrace, you know the procedure cannot be repeated, your brains are in far too deteriorated a condition."
"You! Gave! Me! The! Wrong! Body!”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


“Doran stood on the dais, fists clenched. "All right," he said. "Let's do it, come on. Charge me up."
Skulduggery tapped the controls. "Just give me a moment…"
Doran's leg was shaking. "Come on," he said. "Hurry up. Haven't got all day."
"Just one more moment…"
"Here," said Doran. "You have used this on people before, right?"
"Hmmm?" Skulduggery said. "People? No, not on people. Ah, here we go."
The dais lit up.
"Oh, I don't know about this," said Doran. "I don't think I want to do this…"
"You'll be fine." Skulduggery said.
"How do you know?"
"I don't."
The hair stood up on Valkyrie's arms and light filled the room. The Accelerator wined like an animal, the wine getting louder and louder and the dais beginning to tremble.
"I want to get off!" Doran shouted. "I want to get off!"
"You can't get off!" Skulduggery shouted back over the roar. "If you get off you'll die!"
"I'll die?"
"I don't know," Skulduggery shouted. "Probably.”
― Derek Landy, quote from Kingdom of the Wicked


About the author

Derek Landy
Born place: in Lusk, Ireland
Born date October 23, 1974
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