Darynda Jones · 308 pages
Rating: (29.1K votes)
“If you must eat a banana in public, never make eye contact.”
“Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you're done.--T-SHIRT”
“When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.--T-SHIRT”
“I meant to behave. There were just too many other options.--T-SHIRT”
“Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT”
“Don't judge me because I'm quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.”
“Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster and with more energy!”
“Amber, you could never embarrass me."
"Never?" she asked.
"One time, I yelled across the store to Mom and asked her if she wanted the regular or the super-absorbent tampons. I added that, according to the box, the super-absorbent were for those heavy days. Then I asked her to rate her heaviness on a scale of one to ten."
"Okay, you could."
"Then while we were standing in line, I asked her why she was buying three boxes of Summer's Eve in the middle of winter."
I set her at arm's length. "Wow."
"I know, right? I had no idea a person could turn so red.”
“Gemma talking to Charley...
"Got it. Have you seen my pants?"
"Speaking of which, how did you get home without them?"
"I borrowed a pair of you sweats. I ran into a convenience store with them on. I talked to neighbors out in their yard when I pulled up. And only after I got inside did I realize the had 'Exit Only' written across the back."
"You stole my favorite sweats?"
"I wanted to die."
"It's weird that sweats would make you suicidal. I'd analyze the crap out of that if I were you."
"Do you actually wear those in public?"
"Only when I go out in them”
“You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it was a 2 by 4.--T-SHIRT”
“Well, that sucked more ass than liposuction.”
“There is a fine line between love and hate, or haven't you heard? Sometimes it's hard to decipher exactly which emotion is strongest."
I raised my chin. "I don't love you either."
He lowered his head and watched me from underneath his dark lashes. "Are you certain? Because the emotion pouring out of you every time I'm near you is certainly not disinterest."
"That doesn't mean it's love."
"It could be, I promise you. Take off that sweater and give me ten minutes, and you'll believe beyond a shadow of a doubt you're in love.”
“Where have you been?"
I stepped into my apartment and met Uncle Bob's glare with one of my own. "Out trying to pass myself off as a movie producer to get hot guys to sleep with me. Where have you been?”
“Your existence gives me a headache. Go stand over there.”
“He's an enigma wrapped up in sensuality padlocked with a dozen chains of desire and topped off with a razor-sharp ribbon of danger. There are more layers to him than a billionaire's wedding cake.”
“SARC- was my second favorite -ASM word”
“I can hear other things, too. Before you came around, I had no idea a man could make a girl scream like that. Reyes seems very talented.”
“We stood there, the three of us, our jaws firmly planted on the floor. Aunt Lil recovered first. She nudged me with her elbow and said with a cackle of delight, "I think you guys should make some more of those brownies, 'cause that boy looks hungry.”
“I had a soft spot for crazy people.”
“...But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I’d suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome.”
“Who knew that all this time the nectar of the Gods was in my va-jay-jay.”
“Since I didn't have a candy wrapper to help me with the bad connection I was about to have, I resorted to using vocal sound effects. When Agent Carson picked up, I started my performance. "Agent... Agent Carson," I said, panting into the phone.
"Yes, Charley." She seemed unimpressed, but I wasn't about to stop now.
"I--I know who the kshshshshshsh are."
"I'm a little busy right now, Davidson. What is a Ksh, and why do I care?"
"I'm sorry. My kshshsh... is kshshsh... ing."
I repeat. What is a Ksh? And why do I care if it is ksh-ing?"
She was a tough one. I knew I should have waited and bought a Butterfinger at the Jug-N-Chug. Those wrappers crakled like Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning. "You aren't listeni--kshshsh."
"You're really bad at this."
"Bank ro-ksh-ers. I know who they kshshsh."
"Charley, if you don't cut this crap out."
I hung up and turned off my phone before she could figure out what I was trying not to tell her and call back.”
“Are you using that handbag that has the word fuck written all over it again? I warned you about taking that out in public.”
“For one week, all I could think about was drinking margaritas--well, that and running my tongue along Reyes's teeth--but I didn't have salt--or Reyes's teeth. I'd also lacked the energy to leave my apartment to get some--or the desire to stoop low enough to beg Reyes to let me lick his teeth after what he did--so I could only wish for a margarita. And dream of Reyes's teeth.
I'd secretly hoped a margarita would magically appear in my hand, but that would mean I would have to put down the remote, and God knew that was not going to happen.”
“Welcome back. I see the assassins have failed.”
“Mr. and Mrs. Lowell are not receiving."
What the hell did that mean? "I'm not throwing a forty-yard pass. I just have a few questions. I think their daughter is in danger.”
“After searching for a space, I parked behind the tattoo parlor in front of a sign that said NO PARKING. Since it didn't specify to whom it was referring, I figured it couldn't possibly be talking to me.”
“She looked at me, confused. “He hardly knew me. My parents dated and got married before we knew what happened. Let’s just say we were not
brought into the loop on that decision.”
“That’s weird. I wasn’t brought into the loop with my parents’ marriage either.”
“Really? How old were you?”
She giggled. “I can’t imagine why they didn’t ask your opinion.”
“Surely my macking on some guy in an insane asylum wouldn't hurt him. He'd been living with his stalker, for heaven's sake.”
“If they had been riding in a car, she would have waited for him to go around and open the door for her, but riding in a truck is different”
“О, это мление скуки — гибель русских людей!”
“Within himself Jack had not the slightest doubt of victory, but it would never do to let this conviction take the form of even unspoken words; it must remain in the state of that inward glow which had inhabited him ever since the retaking of the Africaine, and which had now increased to fill the whole of his heart - a glow that he believed to be his most private secret, although in fact it was evident to everyone aboard from Stephen Maturin to the adenoidal third-class boy who closed the muster-book.”
“It was 1976.
It was one of the darkest days of my life when that nurse, Mrs. Shimmer, pulled out a maxi pad that measured the width and depth of a mattress and showed us how to use it. It had a belt with it that looked like a slingshot that possessed the jaw-dropping potential to pop a man's head like a gourd. As she stretched the belt between the fingers of her two hands, Mrs. Shimmer told us becoming a woman was a magical and beautiful experience.
I remember thinking to myself, You're damn right it had better be magic, because that's what it's going to take to get me to wear something like that, Tinkerbell! It looked like a saddle. Weighed as much as one, too. Some girls even cried.
I raised my hand.
"Mrs. Shimmer," I asked the cautiously, "so what kind of security napkins do boys wear when their flower pollinates? Does it have a belt, too?"
The room got quiet except for a bubbling round of giggles.
"You haven't been paying attention, have you?" Mrs. Shimmer accused sharply. "Boys have stamens, and stamens do not require sanitary napkins. They require self control, but you'll learn that soon enough."
I was certainly hoping my naughty bits (what Mrs. Shimmer explained to us was like the pistil of a flower) didn't get out of control, because I had no idea what to do if they did.”
“I would not say no to a tortoise, I said.”
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