Paper Aeroplanes

I feel like a waste of space. Like my whole life has been building up to the moment I failed. Like I don't have the energy to make up for what I've done, or to start again, or for anything. I feel like I want to be someone else.' Miss Anthony moves to Margaret's old seat and puts her arm around me. 'You're not the tough little cookie everyone thinks you are, are you?

I have two choices in life: I either try to do the right thing and get accused of being selfish, or I just do what is right for me and get called selfish anyway. This time, it's all about me.

The importance of friends and family in times of need By Renée Sargent When people feel sad, what they need is attention. Not the kind of attention where they have to be told how amazing they all the time. Just kind of attention where they know that should they need you, you are there. I would like that kind of attention. I don't care about the other kind, even though everyone thinks I do. When something horrible happens to someone the worst thing anyone can do is tell them off, or accuse them of being mean, or make them feel guilty about stuff they did that they are sorry about, because you can do bad things and be really sorry. They should just listen to them, and talk about things, because when you don't talk about things everything builds up inside you like boiling pan with a lid on. All the water dribbles out the sides but the lid won't come off. It's like that. Life just feels like little dribbles down the side of a pan. I think friends and families are the ones who can lift the lid off in a good way.

What's the point in worrying about the future? Who says there will even be a future? What happens if you die tomorrow and all you ever did was sit in maths classes and play the clarinet and moan about your family? What good is the future to you then?

My arm is weighted by the huge pile of clothing she’s hung over it. A moment of clarity comes over me. This isn’t what friendship is about, I know that now.

You don't have to tell me you're fine. I'm not fine. You're not fine either. We can be honest with each other about that, can't we?' I say. The sides of her face tense as tries to stop herself from crying, but she can't. There is something about her grief that makes mine less exclusive. Less like my world isn’t the only one falling apart.

You need to realise how gorgeous you are.' She laughs, but I’m not trying to be funny. ‘I mean it Flo, you really are. Somewhere under all that disbelief.

I scan the room for objects to hit her with. I want to hammer over the head with something, or stab her. I don’t know what stops me, but I guess that’s the difference between a good person and a murderer. The murderer doesn’t stop themselves, but that doesn’t mean good people, like me, don’t have the same thoughts sometimes.

Because as much as I dislike her, I would prefer not to have an enemy.

I just sit there where she tells me to and don’t make a fuss. If I answer back she gets loud and shouty. I don’t want everyone seeing how badly she pushes me around. It’s best just to take it. God knows what people mus think of me - some nervous, quiet drip with no opinion probably. It wouldn’t be far off the truth I should have stood up to Sally years ago, but she’d make my life I did...

This one is OK,' I say quietly. ‘OK, OK, OK. Everything is always just ‘OK’. It’s so boring. Who wants to be ‘OK’? I sit for a moment and think about what she said. It doesn’t take me long to realise that I, quite genuinely, just want to be OK.

I used to feel like this all the time and it didn’t bother me, but it’s different now. (…) …and besides, I want to test them. I have been the third wheel in this friendship for around ten years. They have no idea who I really am. It’s the exact opposite to my friendship with Flo. All these years I’ve passed off their lack of interest in me as an innocent vacancy, but it’s now feeling more like selfishness. I don’t belong here.

I just hug her, tell everything is fine, and walk with her to her house. It will be all OK in the end.

My life has changed so much over the last month. I lost the most important person in my entire world and when I thought I would never survive it Renee was just there, distracting me from all of it. I don’t know what would have happened to me if the only person I had to talk to was Sally. My heart might have stopped, like Dad’s.

We tell each other everything. You take the rap for bad things I do, we have this amazing time together and then all day in classes you ignore me like I don't exist. And I have to watch you and Sally together, and you licking her arse and not telling her about me. And when she says something mean to me you just stand there. I don't even answer back like I used to, I take it and you just stand there and let her speak to me the way she does. What about the fact that I am your best friend now? How do you think that feels, Flo? It feels HORRIBLE, that is how it feels. HORRIBLE.' I leave her standing in the rain. I deliberately go slowly so she can catch me up, but she doesn’t. I get all the way home and she never comes after me.

My belly does a flip and I get goosebumps on my arms. I’m so used to people translating every nice thing I ever do as me trying to get something for myself that I just presume people think the worst of me the whole time.

I close my mouth and shut my eyes. I can feel the tears building the tears building up again. I beg myself not to cry, not here, not in assembly with Sally right next to me so desperate for me to crumble. I feel a finger tap on my left shoulder. Sally, to my right doesn’t notice. I look back. It’s Renee. ‘Welcome back,’ she mouths. Apparently not bothered that a teacher might see. I smile for the first time in nine days.

Well, people who acknowledge their faults aren't so angry about them. Oh to be selfish, eh?' ‘I think life would be easier if I was selfish.’ ‘No, it wouldn’t. Not really. Those people aren’t happy, they’ll be on their death beds with little more than a life time of guilt and regret to think about. People like us die with a clear conscience, Flo. That’s the best way to be. If you admit to where you go wrong at least you stand a chance of making it better.’ I still wish I was selfish.

Nothing. That's why it's funny. It's so bad I just think it's funny,' Renee says, tilting her head back so the chips don't fall out of her mouth. ‘Do you really?’ ‘If I don’t laugh about it what else will I do?’ She doesn’t actually laugh though. She falls back, throws chips into the air and tries to catch them in her mouth

I’m hoping for an apology. An acknowledgement that she’s made me feel like crap about myself again, but obviously I don’t get anything like that out of her. She just sits in front of my mirror, rearranging her cleavage.

For a spilt second we stare at each other. I feel an off sense of relief in making that statement. My breath is broken, his face is still. I want to apologise but the words won’t come. Instead I turn round and keep running home.

He told me he loved me,’ she says, still out of breath. ‘Isn’t that good?’ I ask, confused. ‘It’s only good if you feel it back. If you don’t feel it back it’s just annoying.

What is it about old people that means they feel the slightest draught from two rooms away?

I’m so excited I do an involuntary star jump.