The Complete Yes Minister

Clarification is not to clarify things. It is to put one’s self in the clear (Sir Humphrey Appleby)

In defeat, malice. In victory, revenge

Civil servants have an extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated.

... a cynic is only a term used by an idealist to describe a realist.

Paperwork is the religion of the Civil Service. I can just imagine Sir Humphrey Appleby on his deathbed, surround by wills and insurance claim forms, looking up and saying, 'I cannot go yet, God, I haven't done the paperwork.

Mrs Hacker was the only woman present. They’d made her a sort of honorary man for the evening.

It is the law of Inverse Relevance: the less you intend to do about something, the more you have to keep talking about it.

He that would keep a secret must keep it secret that he hath a secret to keep.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: The Foreign Office is pro-Europe because it’s really anti-Europe. The civil service was united in its desire to make sure that the Common Market didn’t work. That’s why we went into it. Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, French and Italians against the Germans, and the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now, when it’s worked so well? Jim Hacker: It’s all ancient history, surely. Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, and current policy. We had to break the whole thing up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn’t work. Now that we are inside, we can make a big pig’s breakfast of the whole thing! Set the Germans against the French, French against Italians, Italians against Dutch —The Foreign Office is terribly pleased! It’s just like old times! Jim Hacker: Surely we are committed to the European ideal! Sir Humphrey Appleby: Really, Minister! Jim Hacker: If not, why are we pressing for an increase in membership? Sir Humphrey Appleby: For the same reason. It's just like the United Nations, in fact. The more members it has, the more arguments it can stir up, the more futile and impotent it becomes. Jim Hacker: What appalling cynicism! Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes. We call it diplomacy, Minister.

I went on to explain that it is an honour, and also that we need a transport policy. "If by 'we' you mean Britain, that's perfectly true," he acknowledged. "But if by 'we' you mean you and me and this Department, we need a transport policy like an aperture in the cranial cavity.

He’s suffering from Politician’s Logic. Something must be done, this is something, therefore we must do it.

He's a smooth-tongued, cold-eyed, hard-nosed, two-faced creep,' I said, trying to be fair. She was puzzled. 'How is he so successful?' 'Because,' I explained, 'he's a smooth-tongued, cold-eyed, hard-nosed, two-faced creep.