Death's Excellent Vacation

By the time Bones announced it was Tammy's turn, I'd fallen in love with him all over again. Flowers and jewelry worked for most girls as a romantic gesture, but here I was, misty-eyed at watching him show my mother how to stab the shit out of him.

A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then the desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish things up, my curiosity's piqued. That same ghoul ends up with his head cut off by a mysterious redhead . . . Ah. Now I'm interested.

Vance took the news of their "big-city fellows" status better than Philip. Probably because it turned out that he was actually gay. "You're what?" "Well, I'm not entirely sure," said Vance, "but I'd say it's seventy-thirty for it." "But I've seen you with women." "That would be the thirty part of the equation," said Vance as he sipped his coffee. "Oh my God. That's why you agreed to do this with me. You think I'm gay, too!" Vance chuckled. "Dude you're not gay." "I know I'm not, but do you know I'm not?" "I'd say ninety-two-eight on the straight side," said Vance. "How the hell-" "They've made some terrific advances in gaydar, dude.

Vance shook his head. "Philly, I love you, buddy. I do. But you're not my type." "I'm not?" "What? Are you insulted?" Philip was pondering that when the front door jingled.

So how about you?" she asked. "Why did you and your" - she broke out the air quotes again - "'life partner' decide to move to Clam Bay?" "Not really a good reason for it, I guess. Just bad judgment on... Wait. What did you call us?" "Oh, I'm sorry." She blushed. "Was that the wrong term? I didn't mean to offend." "You think... Uh, we're not gay." She laughed. "Oh, it's all right. Nobody here cared about something like that. We're pretty tolerant of alternative lifestyles." "We're not gay," he said with a little more force than intended. "We're just friends." "Are you married?" "No." "Girlfriends?" "Not at the moment." "Confirmed bachelors?" She raised an eyebrow/ "Not confirmed," he replied. "So two single guys from the big city move to our little town and open a bed-and-breakfast. But you're not gay." "We're just friends," he said. "Right. Because straight men open bed-and-breakfasts all the time." "These straight men did." "Straight men names Philip and Vance." He wanted to argue, but he was suddenly beginning to question it himself.

There are areas of New England, plenty of them, with quaintness to spare, with color-changing leaves and folksy folks full of folksy homespun wisdom accompanied by folksy accents

Jeff Abbot was once involved in a taxicab race with Charlaine Harris in North Carolina (he did not win).