Nightlight: A Parody

So, Belle, what's new today?" Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world." Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them.

I typed in a single word: Vampre. Google asked, 'Did you mean vampire?' I said, 'Yes.

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.

I had recently come into the possession of a Thesaurus. You would not believe how many words there are! When I opened that book, I was like, whoa! Word party!

I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.

After dinner, Edwart took me upstairs to see his room. At the top of the stairs was a giant wooden cross. "Ironic, huh?" Edwart said. "Why?" I asked with trepidation, imagining that, at any second, Edwart would turn into dust, which I would then sweep up and disperse over my furniture so he would always be with me. "Because we're Jewish, of course--nonpracticing.

Nice piano," I said. "Do you play?" "oh no, but Edwart does!" Eva Mullen said. "A little," Edwart said sheepishly. "Go ahead, play!" Eva said. She picked up the triangle that was lying on the piano and handed it to Edwart. He started banging on it. It sounded like construction work very early in the morning. "Whoops. I messed up. Let me start over," he said. He started banging again. "Wait. Uh. I haven't practiced in a while. Let me start over." Edwart continued to bang the triangle. Eva closed her eyes and raised her arms, swaying rhythmically to Edwart's music. Edwart held the triangle up high, in what appeared to be a grand finish, but then he brought it down hard, hitting the top of the piano. He continued to bang the piano, putting the entire force of his slim body into each smash. The piano shook. The room vibrated. When he finished I subtly removed my hands from my ears. "I wrote that for you," Edwart murmured, drawing me close. "It's called Belle's Lullaby.

You're lucky I was on that roof all day. That old man... he was trying to sell you a Sega product.

The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.

Germs contagious, contagious alert! But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt!

He made small talk on the way about how he was abandoned as a child and will only rest easy once he is avenged. His name was Tom.

I'll have AB positive', I told Josh when he returned from the dance floor, 'What's it made of? Apples and Bananas?' -Belle Goose

You don't have to hide your natural inclination to boss me around. I want you to feel comfortable with me, Edwart. To the point of domination." "Okay, okay." He took a deep breath and pointed at me. "You," he said stiffly, the words flowing straight from some primordial, bossy wordbank. "Come to the place where you want to go, which, hopefully, is my car, where I will be, God willing.

I took the one letter he had for us. It was from the Switchblade Gas & Electric Company. I didn't know I had admirers there too, but I wasn't that surprised. I threw it in the trash with the IRS's love letters and closed the door without reply.

Quick, I told myself. Try to remember what you learned from Jimbo's Self Defence for Young Ladies. Jimbo was a beefy man with prison tats. "Go into the nearest dark alley," I recalled Jimbo saying. "Freeze like a rabbit or the creature you desire your attacker to mistake you for. If your attacker shouts out to you, respond politely - maybe your optimism will change his mind. If you're about to get into an elevator with a man you feel uncomfortable spending time with in a small, escapeless room, head right in. Remember , fear i an irrational emotion, you should probably ignore it." Armed with these tips, I hung a right into the nearest dead-end, curled into a ball and started rolling.

They all got really quiet and started to lick their lips, closing in on Lucy. I started to lick my lips, too, because it's one of those subconcious, contagious things like sneezing, but then I stopped because it just isn't worth it if you forgot to bring ChapStick.

How about we walk back? Through the cemetery?' One thing my mom had taught me is that it's difficult to refuse requests made in italics.

Listen' he whispered ferociously, like a ferocious breeze or a very gentle hurricane.

I noticed there was garlic above the doorframe. Edwart held a stake in one hand and a 'Team Jacob' shirt in the other.

All of a sudden, he began to laugh. Had I said something funny? Had he? How long had I been spacing out for, slowly growing conscious that my fate was in the hands of a group of college kids who'd kill me off just for a laugh. Little did they realize that I was organizing a revolt.

The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire.

Then, suddenly, I remembered the accident, and Edwart's snow-proof body, and his eyes that changed from I-don't-remember to green, and I knew.

So all this time you thought I was a vampire?' Edwart whispered furiously, pulling me a few inches to the left. 'Sure,' I said, 'you know, the lion falls for the lamb...' 'What?' 'Sorry. It's easier for me if I explain things in animal terms.

I balked. Another vampire? I guess it made sense; the states of the Pacific Northwest were known for their lenient monster laws.

It suddenly occurred to me that, after all that frolicking in the meadows, he hadn't kissed me. Was it because of the mold that grew in my sinuses?

I had a dejected, brooding expression on my face, and I could tell from the reflection in the window that it was also an intriguing expression.

It’s no big deal. I want to go. I want to leave all of my friends and the sunlight for a small, rainy town.

When guys gnash their teeth and knit their brows in a broody, furious expression, it means they have found their soulmate.