Everyone You Hate is Going to Die: And Other Comforting Thoughts on Family, Friends, Sex, Love, and More Things That Ruin Your Life

You are not responsible for the happiness of other human beings. You are absolutely allowed to do everything within your power to make them happy, and you should. But it is not your fucking job. And if it feels like your job, quit. That's not a relationship. That's a job. Fuck that.

My point is that life is long, and parts of it can be immensely shitty. You shouldn't focus on the future because you've got little control over it. All you can do is make sure the steps you take now are going in the direction of the future you want and be prepared for trips and falls along the way. Why focus on the past when you cannot change it? Mistakes will always linger there, and all you can do is learn from them and use them as benchmarks for how much you've improved since then. Focus on the now...Life is a series of infinite Nows.

The only thing we truly have in common is that we're all going to die one day. Race ya. Last one there is the loneliest.

Grieving people don't want to feel better. We want to grieve. To sit down and shout and cry.

I believe love should be the most inconvenient thing in the world. Falling in love should be like, 'Are you fucking kidding me? Shit. I was having a swell old time alone, and then this perfect dumbass turned up and now I want to be with her. What an absolute selfish prick this person is to come out of nowhere and make me feel this. Goddamn it. I was having fun. Oh, well.

Blood is thicker than water” is not only wrong as a sentiment, it’s also wrongly quoted. The full proverb is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Which means the bonds you make through choice are infinitely more important and powerful than the ones you share by blood.

Sometimes the way to make someone feel better is by not trying to make them feel better. Let people be sad. It's not your job to fix them.

There is nothing wrong with being selfish as long as you're not selfish every second of every fucking day. Making decisions for the benefit of yourself should not be frowned upon unless it infringes upon the happiness of others.

That's why friendships that last a long period of time are quite special. You both grow and change over the years but somehow don't outgrow each other. These types of friendships are hard to keep going because once you stop going to school together, you get different jobs or live in entirely separate parts of the country. Friendships shouldn't really take that much effort. They should be effortless most of the time. Life is stressful enough as it is.

Men need to keep other men in line because when women try to do it they're called insane. Or many worse things. I may not believe in fighting fire with fire, but I do think you should fight men with men.

Jesus fucking Christ. Have some self-respect. You're a full-grown biological, statistical anomaly that has cognitive thought standing on a rock that's hurtling through an infinite universe, could you stop being so fucking basic, please?

In the first couple of years of your life, you don't really get to pick your friends. You're assigned to them. School is essentially, "Here's a bunch of kids whose parents fucked the same year that your parents did. Now find something else you have in common." It's a lottery. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

Learn to love being single and being alone. It can be tough, but it can also be brilliant. It's down to you to make it work. If you don't love yourself, you're going to spend the rest of your life auditioning people to do it for you. We all know how crazy it is to leave your emotions in someone else's hands.

Loneliness is like most things in the world: You have to practice it to get good at it.

Making decisions for the benefit of yourself should not be frowned upon unless it infringes upon the happiness of others.

A lot of people like to listen to people talk about death because we don't do it enough...We make it taboo, and I think that gives it too much power...I hope that for some of you, this made sense. That the uncertainty I felt while typing it clicked something into place for you. In a world where we strive to be different, to stand out, to be unique and not be like anyone else, sometimes it's nice to know that we aren't different...We're all scared little apes burdened with thoughts, worries, and uncertainties. Even our fight to be different proves we're the same.

The reason you are typing out how much you love your partner isn’t to convince the world you love them. You are trying to convince yourself. And I see right fucking through you.

Focus on the now...Life is a series of infinite Nows.

Biden’s victory was a relief for the rest of the world, but only a brief one. Trump wasn’t the problem. He was a symptom of the cancer that exists deep within America. A willfully uneducated population combined with deep-rooted race problems, fear of the outside world, and an inability to accept criticism, means that the next Trump is going to be worse. I don’t know what the cure is. I don’t know how to fix America. Happily, that’s not my job. My job is to make fun of it all and puncture the hypocrisy. Yeah, I know the mantra is “We all must join together, jerk each other off, and heal as a nation,” but how do you heal something that was never truly together? How do you fix something that won’t admit it’s broken? How do you stop the most powerful nation in the world from tearing itself apart from the inside because they’ve become so scared that they now wish death on their fellow Americans?

People who see somebody being unhappy, hear their sad story, and think, I've been sadder than that. As if grief negates grief as opposed to compounding it.

True friendship is being able to look your best friends in the eye and make fun of their deepest insecurities, call back the biggest mistakes of their lives, and say things that would normally get you punched in the head without fear of consequence. That is trust. You can say these things to me because I trust that you don't mean a word of them. If you did, it would utterly destroy me. But you don't. That's why it's fun. It's a safe version of the thing that would decimate me. Friends that don't take banter well do not trust you. They think you mean the horrible things you say and that means that they think, underneath it all, you are horrible. Or that they are.

Just because everything wasn't right doesn't mean some things weren't right, so it's sad. It's a chapter ending.

I started to berate myself for having the audacity to be sad when I knew other people were having it worse. Which is an absolutely batshit mental way to try to process emotions. It’s very common, though. I bet you do it, too, you fucking idiot. “Well, I’m having a hard time at the moment, but it’s not as bad as so-and-so who is going through all this PLUS these extra things.” Ah yes, turning emotions into a competition. How incredibly healthy. I can’t see how this could ever go wrong.

I think I may need to find the balance between bullying myself and convincing myself that I'm the world's first International Treasure.

Being an adult is fucking exhausting. Is it wrong to have a brief respites in life when we're nothing more than glorified apes?

We are a statistical anomaly floating on a rock through an infinite space.

Your emotions are my Everest. Thank you for letting me conquer them. I'll stick a flag in your rage and let the world know I inspired genuine anger in a person I haven't even met.

I'm thirty years old, and I have signed five separate divorce papers. None of them were mine. Don't worry. I was merely autographing the papers of people whose divorces I've caused. They lined up, in the rain, to meet me and thank me for causing their breakup and then asked me to sign the papers as a memento of their lives - which they said I had saved. Like a white Jesus. If that opening doesn't get you to buy this book, then honestly, just put it down and fuck off. It's not for you. I don't even want you to read it. Have a wonderful life. Still here? Brialliant. Thanks for the money.

That comes from the fact that most men I know are good. They are flawed, they make mistakes, and they get things wrong. But that also applies to every single person that ever existed. Except for Keanu Reeves, who is perfect in every way, and we must protect him at all costs.