True Letters from a Fictional Life

If a fight looks like a lot of fun, you should be suspicious. 'If you ain't scared of standing up for what's right, you ain't standing up for much.

I didn't come up with the lie. It wasn't mine. They handed the lie to me, and I tried like hell to make it work for a while.

I mean, I really liked him to the point where being around him was sort of wonderful and painful all at the same time, you know?

James, you’d like Lou Reed,” Michael insisted. “He was bisexual.” Their laughter turned to coughs. They were all staring at me when I turned around. I told myself to relax. “Oh, yeah?” I said. “He doesn’t sound bisexual.” Michael just shook his head, but Ronan and Glenn smiled. “They did electroshock therapy on him when he was a teenager,” Michael said. “Electro-what?” said Glenn. “They electrocuted people?” “Kind of. They zapped their brains to alter their personalities. That’s how they tried to make gay people straight back then.” They all looked at me for a response. I shrugged. “So, he was bisexual? It worked halfway?

I'm good. I mean, I want to die, but I'm good.

I could feel his hand on my waist, his arms around me, feel the rise and fall of his chest next to mine as I held my breath, and wished the sun would drop out of the sky.

Please your mother: just lie around upstairs and smoke some pot. Be a revolutionary.

She kissed me on the cheek, and my mom sang Theresa’s name from the open front door. She loves Theresa. I think she loves me more when I’m with her.

He could either be who everyone wanted him to be—and be miserable—or he could just ignore people who hated him, be himself, and be happy.

Now whenever I left class to go to the boys' room, I worried that I would end up on the blue tiled floor in a puddle of piss and blood.

I've always wanted to wake up one day in a world where I liked the right people, and they lied me in return. I worry it'll never happen.

Dude,” he said instead, “I’m flattered as hell.” And then he kicked my foot, lightly, twice. He was smiling. He couldn’t see the chasm that had opened behind my ribs.

There are plenty of days when I don’t hear anything like that, but there aren’t too many days when I don’t feel as though . . . I don’t know. It always feels like other guys want me to disappear. Every day. I can tell they just wish I didn’t exist.

I was thirteen. She wanted me to play a team sport. I would have none of it. ‘I’m gay’ was number four on my list of ten reasons it was a bad idea.” “You just slipped it in there, huh? Smooth.” “Right between ‘I’m allergic to Gatorade’ and ‘The other boys smell like sneakers.

It was duck apocalypse!

I do like the way people behave toward me and Theresa when we’re together-everyone’s voice changes to music, and we get all sorts of smiles.

You know,” I said, “I think the thing that scared me most about admitting that I’m, you know, gay or whatever isn’t so much that people would taunt me by saying ‘Oh, James likes other boys,’ but that they would say stuff like, ‘Oh, turns out James isn’t a boy after all.’ You know?

I don’t feel like I’ve been lying to anyone, though. I mean, since I was little, everyone’s told me that I like girls. Think about it—even when you’re in kindergarten, there are all sorts of messages that eventually you’ll grow up to like girls. Man, when you’re barely able to walk people make these cutesy comments about your girlfriends and how you’re going to be a lady killer and all sorts of crap like that. You were an ugly little kid, Derek, so perhaps you didn’t get that sort of attention, but I’ve always been told that I’m straight. And that’s the story I was trying to make happen. I didn’t come up with the lie. It wasn’t mine. They handed the lie to me, and I tried like hell to make it work for a while. No one meant any harm, but I’ve spent some long nights unable to sleep, worrying about how it’s all going to work out and blaming myself for being some sort of pervert. You know, I was lying in bed at night worrying when I was in, like, eighth grade. That ain’t right.

I never bought into what they meant by a real boy, anyway.

I put my chin on his chest. “I have never, ever felt this free.

Derek shot me a glance and lobbed another rock. “You know, a few years ago a kid at my church told me I was damned because I’m black. Something about Noah cursing the descendants of Ham. He showed me the Bible passage. I was sort of scared, so I asked my parents about it, and they just laughed at the idea. I remember my father rolling his eyes and saying, ‘Of course you’re not going to hell.’ But then I asked him whether gay people were going to burn, and my dad stopped laughing. He just goes, ‘Are you gay? No? Then don’t worry about it.’ Since then, the whole ‘God hates you and you’re going to hell’ idea has seemed sort of stupid. I don’t know. Seems like Jesus probably likes you and Topher more than He likes the Christians who kill people.

Why didn’t you say something?” The front legs of my chair banged onto the kitchen floor. “I just did,” I said, much more loudly than I’d meant to. My mother’s head snapped up, and I thought she might scream at me. “I just did,” I repeated more quietly. “And I don’t know what else you want me to say. Look at my eye. This is why I didn’t say anything to anyone. People find out and this happens and you guys look like you don’t want me for a son.” Somehow I was managing to speak coherently while tears poured down my face.

Could my mom read me? Could she see that I couldn’t control my smile around this kid? I wanted to get him out of my kitchen as fast as possible, but if I’d immediately suggested that we go outside, my mom would’ve wondered if he was selling me drugs. I hoped he had a plan.

she still isn’t totally comfortable with the idea that I’m gay. I told my parents when I was in ninth grade, and my mom made me go to a psychiatrist. She asked him to prescribe me something.” “No kidding. Did he put you on meds?” “No, that old guy’s my hero. He spoke with me for about an hour, and when my mom came to get me, he said to her, ‘Mrs. Owens, your son is a happy, articulate young man. He also happens to like other boys. He has a bright future ahead of him, and you should decide now whether you want to be part of it.’” “Wow, I might need that guy’s number.