The Woman in Me

There have been so many times when I was scared to speak up because I was afraid somebody would think I was crazy. But I’ve learned that lesson now, the hard way. You have to speak the thing that you’re feeling, even if it scares you. You have to tell your story. You have to raise your voice.

I wanted to hide, but I also wanted to be seen. Both things could be true.

As if gaining weight was something unkind I had done to them personally, a betrayal. At what point did I promise to stay 17 for the rest of my life?

In that moment, I made peace with my family—by which I mean that I realized I never wanted to see them again, and I was at peace with that.

Shaving my head was a way of saying to the world: Fuck you. You want me to be pretty for you? Fuck you. You want me to be good for you? Fuck you. You want me to be your dream girl? Fuck you. I’d been the good girl for years. I’d smiled politely while TV show hosts leered at my breasts, while American parents said I was destroying their children by wearing a crop top, while executives patted my hand condescendingly and second-

I wish back then I’d known the Dolly Parton joke: “I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.

The saddest part to me was that what I always wanted was a dad who would love me as I was—somebody who would say, “I just love you. You could do anything right now. I’d still love you with unconditional love.

If no one is used to you being assertive, they get very freaked out when you start speaking your mind.

If someone took my baby away from me, I would have done a lot more than get a haircut. I would have burned the city to the ground.

Everyone thought it was hilarious. Look how crazy she is! Even my parents acted embarrassed by me. But nobody seemed to understand that I was simply out of my mind with grief. My children had been taken away from me. With my head shaved, everyone was scared of me, even my mom. No one would talk to me anymore because I was I was too ugly. My long hair was a big part of what people liked – I knew that. I knew a lot of guys thought long hair was hot… shaving my head was a way of saying to the world: Fuck you. You want me to be pretty for you? Fuck you. You want me to be good for you? Fuck you. You want me to be your dream girl? Fuck you.

I was quiet and small, but when I sang I came alive,

I realized how powerful it can be when women defy expectations.

All I wanted was to be taken away from the everyday world and into that realm where I could express myself without thinking. When I was alone with my thoughts, my mind filled with worries and fears. Music stopped the noise, made me feel confident, and took me to a pure place of expressing myself exactly as I wanted to be seen and heard. Singing took me into the presence of the divine.

You have to speak the thing that you’re feeling, even if it scares you. You have to tell your story. You have to raise your voice.

I feel like a lot of women—and this is definitely true of me—can be as strong as they want to be, can play this powerful role, but at the end of the day, after we’ve done our work and made our money and taken care of everyone else, we want someone to hold us tight and tell us everything’s going to be okay.

Think of how many male artists gambled all their money away; how many had substance abuse or mental health issues. No one tried to take away their control over their body and money. I didn’t deserve what my family did to me.

My father shoved aside my bowl of receipts, setting up his things on the bar. “I just want to let you know,” he said, “I call the shots. You sit right there in that chair and I’ll tell you what goes on.” I looked at him with a growing sense of horror. “I’m Britney Spears now,” he said.

I was treated like a criminal and they made me think I deserved that. They made me forget my self-worth and my value. Of all the things they did, I will say the worst was to make me question my faith. I never had strict ideas about religion, I just knew there was something bigger than me. Under their control I stopped believing in God for awhile. But then when it came time to end the conservatorship I realized one thing: You can't fuck with a woman who knows how to pray. Really pray. All I did was pray.

Freedom means being goofy, silly, and having fun on social media. Freedom means taking a break from Instagram without people calling 911. Freedom means being able to make mistakes, and learning from them. Freedom means I don’t have to perform for anyone—onstage or offstage. Freedom means that I get to be as beautifully imperfect as everyone else. And freedom means the ability, and the right, to search for joy, in my own way, on my own terms.

There is so much freedom in being anonymous.

If you stood up for me when I couldn’t stand up for myself: from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Artists make things and play characters because they want an escape into faraway worlds, and escape was exactly what I needed. I wanted to live inside my dreams, my wonderful fictitious world, and never think about reality if I could help it. Singing bridged reality and fantasy, the world I was living in and the world that I desperately wanted to inhabit.

I’d been the good girl for years. I’d smiled politely while TV show hosts leered at my breasts, while American parents said I was destroying their children by wearing a crop top, while executives patted my hand condescendingly and second-guessed my career choices even though I’d sold millions of records, while my family acted like I was evil. And I was tired of it.

But I knew that I wouldn't let the darkness consume me. Even in the darkest night, you can still find so much light.

I can make my own way in life. I can make my dreams come true. Lying quietly on those rocks, I felt God.

And the fact that my friends and my fans sensed what was happening and did all that for me, that’s a debt I can never repay. If you stood up for me when I couldn’t stand up for myself: from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

But then, when it came time to end the conservatorship, I realized one thing: You can’t fuck with a woman who knows how to pray. Really pray. All I did was pray.

If I was sexy, they seemed to think I must be stupid. If I was hot, I couldn’t possibly be talented.

Once you start to see yourself that way - as not just someone who exists to make everyone else happy but someone who deserves to make their wishes known - that changes everything.

My freedom in exchange for naps with my children -- it was a trade I was willing to make. There is nothing I love more -- nothing more important to me on this earth -- than my children. I'd lay down my life for them. So, I thought, why not my freedom?