Dinner for Vampires: Life on a Cult TV Show

I found out that when the numbness lasts for long enough it bears a striking resemblance to peace.

I think we’re all little cathedrals of contradiction. Terrifying darkness and shocking beauty coexist in everyone, and God doesn’t wait for us to clean out all the bad before celebrating the good. It’s scandalous, really—that kind of love.

There is one indisputable way to identify a cult, one characteristic they all share. If is not a belief in alien spacecraft or a plentiful supply of Flavor Aid. It is the notion that anyone who does not agree with the group's beliefs or choices, who expresses concerns, who simply dare to ask questions, is deemed "unsafe". Every good thing about that person must be subsumed by the fact that they disagree with me, so I can boil down their character into something vilifiable. For mind control to work, there has to be heroes and villains. It has to be us versus them. In a cult, it isn't good enough for you to say, "I love you, but I disagree with you." You must affirm my choices and beliefs. Only then can you be considered "safe". In a cult, safety means agreement. The irony of course, is that while you are not allowed to have your own opinions about my beliefs, I am allowed to have an opinion about yours.

Metin Basoglu, a psychiatrist and trauma researcher, studied the psychological effects of torture on political POWs and war survivors from Yugoslavia and Turkey by comparing continuous versus intermittent torture. His findings showed that torture with breaks between abuses induced more severe psychological effects than continuous torture. Victims of intermittent torture had higher rates of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The unpredictability and anticipation of more abuse heightened stress and anxiety, which then caused "learned helplessness," making victims feel powerless and passive over time. This increased compliance because resistance seemed futile." - p. 215

I wish it had occurred to me in that moment to ask him one question: Who has spiritual authority over you? Such a simple and vital question to ask any leader - spiritual or otherwise. I didn't ask, though. Instead, I thought sincerely about who had invested the most in my life recently. Pam was becoming the warm, sweet mom I never had. Les was becoming the emotionally available father figure I always wanted. This whole group felt like the loud, fun, real family I had dreamed of. If anyone was going to help me figure out the right way to live, it would be them. - pp. 93

I was generally more comfortable alone than with others precisely because of the expectations I often felt accompanied company.

In a cult, safety means agreement. The irony, of course, is that while you are not allowed to have your own opinion about my beliefs, I am allowed to have an opinion about yours.

I do not want ‘unity’ at the expense of truth.

I was terrified of being misunderstood by the people I loved the most.

Intelligent and ambitious people want to be challenged, and someone having high expectations of you is a turn-on. High demand is a motivator, success is a drug, and before you know it, you're rationalizing anything in order to meet the demand and get your high. The demand has become your god. There is one indisputable way to identify a cult, one characteristic they all share. It is not a belief in alien spacecraft or a plentiful supply of Flavor Aid. It is the notion that anyone who does not agree with the group's beliefs or choices, who expresses concerns, who simply dares to ask questions, is deemed "unsafe." Every good thing about that person must be subsumed by the fact that they disagree with me, so I can boil down their character into something vilifiable. For mind control to work, there has to be heroes and villains. It has to be us versus them. In a cult, it isn't good enough for you to say "I love you, but I disagree with you." You must affirm my choices and beliefs. Only then can you be considered "safe." In a cult, safety means agreement. The irony, of course, is that while you are not allowed to have your own opinion about my beliefs, I am allowed to have an opinion about yours.

No expectations. That seemed impossible. There were always expectations. To prepare, to perform, to deliver, to speak up, to be quiet, to relax, to behave, to be intelligent. There were expectations to pay attention, be on time, be professional, be original but don't be weird, be creative but don't make anyone uncomfortable. Be collaborative but trust your instincts. Be tough. Be sweet. Smile.

If someone wants to label you against the loving truth of who you are, you are empowered to make the declaration ‘I don’t receive that.

He said, well that's not your call to make. It's not a women's place to hold a man accountable.

My confusion was compounded by myself loathing over having been so naive and cowardly. To have been so afraid to live my own life that I completely turned over my autonomy and let someone else be in charge of me.

My confusion was compounded by my self loathing over having been so naive and cowardly. To have been so afraid to live my own life that I completely turned over my autonomy and let someone else be in charge of me.

You wanna see the Kingdom of heaven? The way is living surrendered, like little children.

I didn't notice that in all my protection over the truth of my identity, I wasn't practicing nor was I encouraged to practice speaking loving truth toward my own family. I guess it didn't really work both ways.

I’d been dining with vampires. No, I realized. I am the dinner.

So, you’re just spending all this money to put on a free show for people?” he asked. “Well,” I said, “the hope is that the response to the show is enthusiastic enough that some producer would want to take it to Broadway.” “And so then you’d make a lot of money?” “Possibly. But that usually only happens if a show runs for years. Most shows run for, like, three months. And only, maybe, one out of five make back their investment.” “So why do it?” I wanted to say, Because it’s Broadway, and because I’ve always dreamed of performing on Broadway, and I’ve always loved musicals and acting and telling stories that move people. And isn’t that the point of life: to try to do what you love and make the world a better place by achieving one unique dream at a time? But I had a feeling that answer would only result in rehashing the same conversation we’d had about me marrying QB—how emotions shouldn’t be a consideration in decision-making. So, I just said, “Because if you are one of those one out of five, you can really get rich.” That answer satisfied him and ended the conversation.

I know you can, Joy. But if someone is worried about you and calling you repeatedly and texting, it’s just kind to let them know that you’re all right.

For mind control to work, there has to be heroes and villains. It has to be us versus them. In a cult, it isn’t good enough for you to say, “I love you, but I disagree with you.” You must affirm my choices and beliefs. Only then can you be considered “safe.” In a cult, safety means agreement.

In that moment, with my eyes closed, I thought of Les and of what a huge responsibility it must be for him to constantly bear the weight of people. People asking for help, for wisdom, for prayer. The thought made me grateful that I was being shepherded by someone who was so strong and unselfish, because even though it felt good to be a conduit for peace in Camille, I felt something else, too, something that in the wrong hands could be used to manipulate and abuse: I felt power.

The only way people change their perception of abuse survivors is if they are challenged—if they hear about what it’s really like from someone who experienced it, rather than have the usual cult stereotypes and clichés reinforced by whatever trashy true-crime podcasts they listen to and documentaries they love to watch.

I sat with her on the kitchen floor. Octonauts Band-Aid, Popsicle from the freezer, and she was laughing again. As I watched those bright eyes, the rage in me quelled. I thought of the last lines I’d delivered as Haley. It’s a magical place. I’ve seen that magic in your eyes. There’s only one Tree Hill, and it’s your home. I wanted Rosie to be able to feel that kind of magic and peace. I had her. I had her. Nothing else mattered.

I hated myself. What a waste of space I was. A waste of talent. Of time.

Coldplay’s “Fix You” came on the radio like a ridiculous movie cliché, and I stared out the window trying to be strong and not succeeding.

Metin Başoğlu, a psychiatrist and trauma researcher, studied the psychological effects of torture on political POWs and war survivors from Yugoslavia and Turkey by comparing continuous versus intermittent torture. His findings showed that torture with breaks between abuses induced more severe psychological effects than continuous torture. Victims of intermittent torture had higher rates of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The unpredictability and anticipation of more abuse heightened stress and anxiety, which then caused “learned helplessness,” making victims feel powerless and passive over time. This increased compliance because resistance seemed futile.