Twisted Twenty-Six

Truth is I’ll be relieved when all this is over, and I can move on to what’s in front of me instead of what’s behind me. It’s not like I want to forget Jimmy. It’s just that he’s in a different spot in my life now. He’s in the good memories spot. If I didn’t put him there, I’d be sad all the time, and I don’t like being sad. I figure happiness is a choice that you make. Even in terrible times.” Grandma slumped a little. “Sometimes you really gotta work at it.

put the lid back on the cookie jar. At this time of the day the traffic would be horrible getting to Dick’s. And did I really want to shoot someone? No. So, what was the point in getting bullets? If I felt like I needed bullets tomorrow, I’d have Lula get some for me. They sold ammo at her hair salon.

Lula swung into the room. “What’s going on? What did I miss? I couldn’t get a hair appointment so I came for lunch.” She spied the guy on the stretcher. “Holy crap! What happened to him?” “He tried to kidnap Grandma, so my mother took him out with her iron,” I said. Lula turned to my mom. “Way to go, Mrs. P.!” She did a high five and a down low with her. “Is he dead?” “Not yet,” Grandma said. “Good thing,” Lula said. “If California found out a guy got killed with an iron, they’d ban them, and all those movie stars would be wrinkled all the time.

I helped myself to coffee and brought it to the little kitchen table. I'd eaten baby food at that table, and I'd done my homework at it too. The refrigerator and the stove got changed out, but the table remained. It was the heart of the kitchen, and the kitchen was the heart of the house. Even after the attempted kidnapping, the kitchen still felt safe. Even with my mother nipping at the whiskey and my grandmother reading the obits for entertainment, the kitchen felt sane. Going with Grandma's theory, I was pretty confident that all our souls were intact, and that the kitchen was partly responsible for keeping them that way.

There’s another part to success,” Ranger said. “You have to be brave.

You’re like the sky at midnight, when the moon is shining, and the wind is blowing.

A winner is willing to look like a idiot for as long as it takes to get the job done.

I spent as much time on the rifle range as I spend with my knife in the peanut butter jar, I’d be a crack shot.

Notice he called us losers and not quitters. That’s on account of we never quit. In my mind, that’s the difference between being a loser and a winner. A winner is willing to look like a idiot for as long as it takes to get the job done.

Good thing,” Lula said. “If California found out a guy got killed with an iron, they’d ban them, and all those movie stars would be wrinkled all the time.

Some men enter a woman's life and screw it up forever.

I couldn’t imagine the table not being there. The refrigerator and the stove got changed out, but the table remained. It was the heart of the kitchen, and the kitchen was the heart of the house.

I figure happiness is a choice that you make.

I get my hair done first, and then Margie and I go shoot a hundred rounds,” Grandma said. “I wouldn’t be telling you this, but pretty soon I imagine I’ll have my own house and lots of money for ammo, and I’ll be able to shoot every day if I want.

It’s a known fact that you get fucked at the drive-thru.

In my mind, that’s the difference between being a loser and a winner. A winner is willing to look like a idiot for as long as it takes to get the job done.

Life is easy when you’re a hamster,” I said to Ranger.

I exchanged glances with my mother and Grandma. None of us wanted to tell my father about the contract on Grandma. “Mistaken identity,” I said. “Prank,” my mother said. “Damn aliens,” Grandma said.

You need a cat,” Lula said. “A cat?” “Yeah. I read an article online about how people are getting therapy cats on account of cats are good companions. We could go to the shelter and pick one out for you.” “That’s a big responsibility. I don’t think I’m ready for a cat.” “Well, your life can’t be all that bad if you don’t want a cat.” “A cat isn’t going to fix my job.

No one’s going to get killed. If anything bad goes down, I’ll get kidnapped and tortured while they try to extract information out of me about the keys.” “Do you know anything about the keys?” “No.” “That’s not good. You’ll have to make something up and hope you die before they come back and torture you some more for telling a fib.” “I’m glad you’ve thought this through for me.” “I always try to be helpful. It’s one of my best qualities.

This is great,” Lula said, handing me a coffee and opening the box. “Just you and me and a box of donuts. This is the way people bond over good memories and shit.

My cooter falls asleep when I ride a bike.

They have cracked souls,” she said. “You know how some people are born with physical defects? Like those sweet Down syndrome babies. I think some people are born with souls that aren’t all there. Or maybe their souls got a crack somewhere along the line. Like a broken leg, only it’s a soul.

Sometimes I find human nature to be real disappointing,

I mean Earth. One minute you think you know where you’re going, and then in a second it could all change. You don’t even have to make a bad decision. You could be doing everything right, and the bad thing happens. It’s like we’re one of them videogames. Someone pushes a button, and BANG you’re dead. It’s gotta make you wonder what’s next.

There’s times when it’s quiet at night, and I wonder about him. And I hope he’s okay,” Grandma said. “I guess he did some bad things, so it’s a crapshoot if he got into heaven.” She pushed some macaroni salad around on her plate. “Truth is I’ll be relieved when all this is over, and I can move on to what’s in front of me instead of what’s behind me. It’s not like I want to forget Jimmy. It’s just that he’s in a different spot in my life now. He’s in the good memories spot. If I didn’t put him there, I’d be sad all the time, and I don’t like being sad. I figure happiness is a choice that you make. Even in terrible times.

I’d take the flu over the funeral any day of the week.

Grandma was in her mid-seventies and didn’t look a day over ninety.